Landing the Right Job

Today’s Day Eight Reverb13 prompt is as follows:

What went right in 2013?  Maybe you didn’t quit smoking or lose those pounds or go to Paris, but something did work, did happen, and/or was realized. What was it?

In 2013, a lot of things went right.  A few things went wrong, and a lot more fell through the cracks, in between.  They just “went.”  As DSB says, “it is what it is.”  He actually says that so much it is annoying, but I think after reflecting upon this past year, there is some truth to it.

Sometimes we have to accept our circumstances for what they are.  And I have had to do a lot of accepting over the past year.  This coming April will be two years that I have not worked a “regular, full-time” job.  I have been working 15 hours each week for my parents in a very low-stress, flexible way.  I didn’t work much last year (2012) because I was struggling so much with my mental health, but I worked the full season this year, and I think that is definitely something that has “gone right.”

My little job gives me a sense of purpose and makes me feel like I am helping my parents out, which is especially a good feeling, because they do so much for me above and beyond.  My little job gives me structure, too.  Three days a week, I know where I will be and what I will be doing.  It isn’t a glamorous job, but it is rewarding and easy.  I get to interact with people, use my brain a little, and get out of the house.  That may not sound like much, but I think it is a lot of what is helping me keep it together.

Unlike any other job I have had, I have never called-in last minute, never faked sick, never walked off.  I’m not sure I’ve even had a sick day, although I did miss a couple of days when I broke my foot early 2013 and missed a few days when I did my last group therapy session.  That is a new record for me.  I think most of it has to do with the fact that I have a lot of respect for my parents and I don’t want to put them in a bind.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, job-wise.  I know I can’t return to the stress of working in the mental health field, and I probably can’t manage full-time employment.  Hopefully I can keep going on working for my parents for some time to come.

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Figuring Things Out

So after a week’s worth, possibly more, of posts about depression, despair, hatred, anger, misery, so-on-and-so-forth, I’m on an upswing.  For the past two or three days, I have been feeling much more like the “alive” Rose.  I have been doing more, accomplishing more, taking enjoyment in everyday activities, doing things I like to do, and definitely (I think, anyway) being a more enjoyable person to be around.

So what does this all feel like?  Well, it feels like I’ve had a lot of caffeine, but in a good way.  I feel extremely, almost scarily clear and focused.  I feel like I can accomplish tasks that seemed insurmountable just days ago.  I am facing upcoming rainy, Fall weather, and I feel like I’ll get through it without a glitch.

I have had a lot of structure the last two to three days, and I know that helps.  I worked on Saturday and Sunday, and had several things going on today where I was busy all day.  I accomplished a lot at the store and feel really good about the direction the winter season will take for my job.  I will be learning QuickBooks (book-keeping software) and more about Excel, and am quite excited about that.  I am even more excited that, in learning these things, I will be able to help my mom more and I can do the rote work and she can focus on the more complicated tasks.  It boils down to me being the QuickBooks bitch, and I’m okay with that.

I have decided to keep going to group, for now, even though I was thinking of not doing it to save money (it’s about a 30 minute drive from here).  Group has been really helpful for me, and I really do enjoy it, so when I brought up the possibility of quitting with QoB, she suggested to me that I might occasionally be able to afford extra money for gas.  Problem solved!

I don’t know why I hadn’t asked her about it before.  I just keep trying to stretch my weekly money as far as it will go, and know that there are some things that I once considered essential or wouldn’t have batted an eyelash over buying are now just not in the cards.  I have come to accept my more limited budget (I know, it’s been over a year now, but it’s a lot to come to grips with!) and be more creative with my money.  I also get a lot of help from QoB and the Big Dawg, which I couldn’t be more grateful for, and, frankly, would be up shit creek without their assistance.  My dad helps, too, when he can, and that is also appreciated.  Every little bit helps.

I think the key to all of this happiness and clear-headedness and contentment is keeping to a schedule, staying structured, and getting things accomplished.  I know this group I have been doing has done wonders at getting me to achieve goals I didn’t think were possible two months ago, like showering semi-regularly (I know, gross, but huge accomplishment).  It also helps me to have a job, even if it is a bit of a cush job and very low-stress.  I think I need to keep on with the structure, throw in a bit of sunlamp, and I am going to have a very functional, quasi-happy Fall.

And hooray for Ritalin.  Just sayin’.

Epiphanies, Realizations, and “Duh” Moments

I feel like my mind is a little less foggy than it has been over the past six weeks of being ill.  Today, crazy ideas and realizations just seemed to come to me, sweep over me.  I think this is why so many people say that the thirties are the best years of your life…when you really start to figure things out.  At least that is how my thirties have been so far…all three months of them.  Can’t hardly wait to be 37 now and know it ALL!  Hah!

Something I have actually found is, the older I get, the more I realize that I don’t know.  Things I thought I had figured out…nope, not even close.  Things I didn’t think I knew anything about, I find myself knowing a little more now.

It has seemed to me, as of late, that my co-workers are frazzled and burning out.  In particular, my supervisor has seemed especially annoyed and irritated with me.  I asked a co-worker about it today, just to check and see if he was sensing what I was.  He told me that she was annoyed and irritated with me.  That all of my checking in and letting her know about things happening on my caseload bothered her.  That I was needy and needed constant confirmation and reassurance.  Well, I can see how that might be.  I also tend to talk about things I have already emailed about.  That is also apparently annoying.

I have tried talking to my supervisor many times, and here within the past six months just get an “I’m busy” and an annoyed look.  If I don’t want to chat with her about the new car she wants to buy or the latest family drama she has going on, she doesn’t want to hear from me.  It’s really strange, because I am just realizing this almost as I type it.  Whooooo epiphany!

What is so strange about this is that, from the start, she has put herself right in the middle of my job.  She wanted to be kept in the loop, updated, etc.  Now she just doesn’t give an eff.  I am trying not to take that too personally.  As QoB reminded me, I am always talking about how burned out she is, and now I should realize that, by being burned out on her job, part of that being burned out has to do with my supervision.  Well ok.

I’m not too sure what to do about all of this.  I don’t want to try and talk to her, because she’ll just think I’m needy and am complaining (something she said today, “you never come in here except to complain.”)  I guess I thought that employees were supposed to come to their supervisors with their difficult cases and concerns.  Apparently I am doing too much of that.

So, because she has changed, I need to change how I operate when communicating with her.  I can do that.  I don’t like change, but I can do it.  It is difficult to take 30 years of neediness and put it aside, but I think I can do it slowly.  I think I have actually made some progress in that area in my personal life, over the past few years, and I know I can apply it to my work life.

Now that I know all of this, I have my “duh” moment.  Her constant crap mood is not about me.  It is directed at me sometimes, but I am not the root.  If I were to come into her office to talk trash about anything, she’d eat it up.  If I go to her office to talk business, she doesn’t want to hear it.  This is not about me.  I repeat (mostly to myself), this is not about me.

After some thought, and a suggestion, I unfriended anyone associated with work from my Facebook page today.  It was a good feeling.  I looked at the people left on my friends list and thought, “Wow, I really would like to know more about what those people are up to now!”  I also unfriended some people that I just find annoying.  What a relief.  Who knew that “unfriend” button could bring so much satisfaction?!?  QoB did, that’s who.

QoB also once sent me this YouTube, before I knew what it meant to actually work in a cubicle.  Things that make you go hmmmmm.

My Cubicle, A James Blunt parody