I do not even know how to start this post, I have been doing it so infrequently. It doesn’t help that my mind is racing and I am doing my oh.so.very.best to ignore, block, avoid. Ignore, block, avoid, repeat. And so on and so on. It just seems like there has been so much going on, and I haven’t been able to handle it all at once.
Two things can be true: 1) You can have an ended relationship and know it is for the best, while at the same time, 2) not be able to get your shit together, your new routine going, your scattered life to come back to one piece again. That is how I feel, I think. I feel like I have been broken into a million pieces and I am trying to put them all together again, and it is too painful/hard/irritating/overwhelming, so I just sit around, still functional, but in pieces.
I don’t think it helped that I went through another rough spot this winter right before Dr. Love and I broke up. I hadn’t exactly recovered when we did break up, and, while sometimes things seem much brighter, there is this lingering and poisonous fog that hover. And the mind can play tricks on you. I am up and down, up and down — life is great/life is shit, I can’t deal/I can do anything, I want to quit smoking/I’ll never quit, feels great to be healthy/feels like home to throw self-control out the window.
I have been doing better about taking my Cymbalta, but nowhere near perfect. I have this huge mental block around it, and try as I do to go through it, over it, under it, around it, I just keep getting stuck. Sometimes I have this thought:
If I feel good, I might start doing more, and I might meet someone, and then they will break me in two.
Ok, so it’s not sometimes I have this thought, it’s all the time. I absolutely do not want another relationship and the thought that someday I might feel up to it again terrifies me. Yet, I sometime seek out these situations where I might meet someone.
I am lonely/I am terrified
QoB keeps on telling me that I’ve spent a lot of time alone in my life, so she knows I can do it again. I don’t remember many alone times. I was thinking about it, and I don’t think I have been without a boyfriend for longer than five months since early in high school. It’s hard and it’s scary and lonely as hell. The thought of being with someone though, makes me feel sick to my stomach and I whisper t0 myself over and over again that I don’t need love, and I don’t need kindness. All I need is myself.
And you know, that’s just not true. It’s a nice thought, that humans can be totally an island unto themselves, never needing, never seeking. People can practice their lives that way, but true happiness does not shine through. There is always a special friendship, caring family, someone that brings light into the life of that person.
I have my people and they know who they are. Sometimes it is hard for me to reach out, but when I do, I feel relief. And I continue to reach out to God, and sometimes I feel like He hears me and sees me. Other times, I feel an oppressive weight upon myself and I feel that there is no hope for any change, so depressed that there are no gifts to be happy for, so agitated that all I can do is curl up in bed and hope I can fall asleep so the world will become silent to me.
I saw Goddess of Mindfulness yesterday. I have goals for the week, although I am not sure I was able to process this therapy session appropriately because my mind was wrapped so tight. I have not embraced these goals, but I know that I will try, because I said I would, and because I feel like I must constantly try and pry myself open and let new ideas and thoughts in. But it hurts, so I am not getting too excited about it.
Sometimes I sit out in my backyard and repeat prayers and loving-kindness meditations, mixing them, and whispering them to myself in some attempt to connect with God, to connect with my own soul, to remember people I love who are no longer here, and try to forgive, forgive, accept, accept. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. I do this sometimes when I am driving from place to place, as well. One might think that driving a car down the highway, or the boulevard, or wherever, would really limit one’s ability to connect to anything other than the highway, but I know that I have found myself over and over again, wandering out there on that road.
Dashboard Confessional, Vindicated
You’ll have to just click the link. Apparently YouTube hates my blog and has decided that, because of me, they must ban embedding. Either that or I have fallen behind the technology.