Resurfacing After a Period of Extreme Selfishness

I have barely looked at another blog, have stopped interacting with nearly everyone I follow on FaceBook, have ceased communications with the small handful of people that I had usually communicated with on a semi-regular basis, and I went underground.  My friend Marilyn had talked to me previously about hunkering down and waiting for the storms to pass, and I guess maybe I took that to extremes a bit.

The positive news about my (relatively) short hiatus from all others in my world is that:

  1.  I have been smoke-free since January 3rd.  Parts of it were hard, parts of it were nearly impossible, but I have made it this far and I don’t plan on turning back.  As a bonus to this accomplishment, I did this without totally wearing out my (now) miniaturized support system.  (as in, no dogs or boyfriends or close family members were harmed in the obtaining of over three months smoke free…yay!)
  2. I have lost 67ish pounds since December, thanks to a healthy eating plan (that is sustainable in the long-run) and almost-daily aerobic exercise.  It turns out that “those people” were actually right about exercise being good for your mood, body, and overall well-being.
  3. I have become “more social.”  That doesn’t mean I am hitting up the grocery store or going to parties or any such nonsense.  It means that, at the YMCA where I exercise every day, it is kind of similar to how it was on the long-ago “Cheers” sitcom, where everyone really DOES know my name.  I must say, it does make exercising easier, to have all of those supportive people around.
  4. I have more “stuff” figured out in my life.  Although therapy  has been helpful, I have mostly grown in life because I am learning what makes me happy and I am learning to say “no” when something doesn’t feel good and I am (constantly) trying something new every day to grow myself.

I have missed blogging pretty terribly, and have missed some of my blog friends even more, but my hopes is that I can reconnect with people easier now that I am a bit more stable.  I would love to start writing in this thing again.  I don’t know if anyone really cares about that, save for me, but I do miss writing things out.  I have been keeping an altered art journal, and writing pretty regularly in that by hand, and I plan to keep that up, but again, am hoping to maybe throw a few words up in this space every now and again.

If there is a thought in your head that I have forgotten about you, chances are pretty much 99% that this is not the case, that I just needed to disappear for awhile.  I am not going to do a bunch of shout-outs right here and now, just know I have missed you and I hope we can catch up soon.  I am bringing a happier, calmer, and healthier Rosa to the table, and I hope you stop by and say hi soon!

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Pass the Lactaid, Please

Up and at ’em bright and early, for numerous reasons.  Numero uno is because my eating habits have turned to shit.  I keep eating junk food and junk food and more junk food.  I really need to go to the grocery store, but at the same time am totally uninspired and kind of depressed about my new lactose-free life.  I think that’s why I have been rebelling with french fries and chips.  I miss my yogurt and cheese, dammit!

Previous to my current lactose-free status, I consumed probably four or five dairy servings each day.  Mostly in healthy snack-form…yogurt, sugar free pudding, string cheese.  Without those staples, I am stumped.  Literally stumped.  There are not many convenience foods I can eat without getting sick, and, being so unmotivated and lazy and despairing, I keep eating chips.  And french fries.  And hamburgers.  And ridiculously expensive salads.  Now it’s the grease, salt, and sugar that’s killing me.

Something else I’ve pinpointed that I can’t eat without a great deal of discomfort — almonds.  That used to be a “go-to” snack as well, but now kills my stomach.  And microwave popcorn, although that is likely due to the butter in it.

It’s hard to be careful about what I eat, so I just end up in misery sometimes.  I am generally good about avoiding lactose, but then I just replace it with grease, salt, and sugar.  And am still unsatisfied.  I have tried soy cheese, soy yogurt, and both are disgusting.  I have found a “buttery spread” that I like, but no more spray butter kind of sucks.  I really do like soy milk, as long as it is the Silk brand, and due to that, I don’t really miss drinking regular milk.  Soy ice cream is also not bad.

In an attempt to save myself from a heart attack or diabetes, I am trying to work on eating better.  I am awake this morning so I could fix a few things to eat for the week.  I have some vegetables to cut up to dip in dressing, edamame is on the stove, and I’m hard-boiling some eggs.  I think part of the problem I have is that I feel like I have to have a “main dish” and that just isn’t so, dearies.

I don’t much care for lunchmeat sandwiches, especially without cheese.  And the bread I really like is loaded with dairy.  I tried doing wraps last week, but need something to replace the cheese.  I am thinking maybe some guac would be good?  Not really sure.

I know that I just need some ideas, and it really shouldn’t be so hard, but it’s such a lifestyle change that I’m trying to make (and failing horribly at, substituting junk for dairy products) and I am finding it really difficult.  I didn’t have too many problems at first, but as previously stated, I would kill for some yogurt, cottage cheese, string cheese, pudding, so on and so forth.

I realize I have about two readers, but I would really appreciate any suggestions.  I have hit a wall and am despairing, throwing myself instead at the mercy of chips from Casey’s and fries from just about any fast-food place you can think of.

Oh, and Lactaid.  Don’t even get me started.  That stuff does NOT work for me.  I think perhaps I need to take my doctor’s advice and start taking that live bacteria capsule, forgetting what it is called at the moment, but I’m sure that QoB knows what I’m talking about.

Paul Simon, Crazy Love Vol. II