It was pointed out to me yesterday, that sometimes I do my very best to keep myself miserable, always looking for the next thing that is going to suck, or be hard, or make me unhappy. This revelation was brought to us by Dr. Love and the letter “G.”
Ok, so maybe it’s not a revelation, exactly. This is something I have known about myself since the beginning of time. It’s been brought to my attention by many therapists, psychiatrists, family members, co-workers, so on and so forth. It’s something that I work on at times, and at other times, something I blatantly ignore and wallow anyway.
It’s a difficult trap to be in, to have been this way for so long, to change such an ingrained behavior. The perfect example is my constant dread of winter.
Winter generally means hard times for me. And I dread it year-round. In the middle of the summer, I am anticipating the down-times of winter. The lack of sun, the cold, the snow and ice. There is a seasonal component to it that I tend to exacerbate by obsessing year-round about all of the winters past where I have despaired.
QoB has pointed out that this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I anticipate the worst, I get the worst. If I could just change my thinking, maybe it would be better and I could just be pleasantly surprised. I suppose there is some validity to this, but it’s still hard to expect something different when I’ve always come up with the same thing.
What’s the saying? Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Something like that. Color me insane then, because I practice that time and time over — expecting something different from the same patterns of behavior.
Something to work on, I suppose. I am starting to go back to therapy more frequently. There are a lot of things to focus on, little day-to-day things and some bigger things. To face it, though, there are a lot of big things that are caused by and are causing the little day-to-day glitches.
Lily Allen, The Littlest Things