The Not-So-Exciting Tales of Rosa

I made a commitment to blog more regularly and it has been one big FAIL.  I attribute it to many things, including the fact that my give-a-shitter is broken, I don’t feel I can blog about a lot of what is going on in my life right now, and because everything I pour out seems to be pure drivel.

I’ve decided to stop caring about all of that, and just blog.  Duh, I should have decided this a long time ago, but it’s always a process for me.  Now, that doesn’t mean I’m going to start airing all my dirty laundry, it just means that posts will be more frequent, as well as a bit more random.  If I get a great idea for a  post (which hasn’t happened in weeks), I’ll really take my time and develop it.  Otherwise, I’ll just be writing about day-to-day life for now.

I quit smoking three weeks, five days, 17 hours, 58 minutes and 11 seconds ago. 1604 cigarettes not smoked, saving $216.66. Life saved: 5 days, 13 hours, 40 minutes.

Those stats are getting impressive.  Not so much the time stat, but over $200 saved, over 1600 cigs not smoked?  Holy shit!  You sometimes don’t realize how severe your addiction is until you’re not coughing much, you’re not short of breath anymore, and you see the cold numbers.

Quitting smoking hasn’t been easy as of late.  Yesterday, I had to ask Mom to pull all the money off my debit card, because it was too tempting to go buy a pack of cigarettes.  Now, if I went off and smoked a pack of cigarettes, I am sure I would be sick, but my anxiety level has been through the roof and I was completely convinced that smoking a cigarette would fix everything.  Well, reason and logic told me it just wouldn’t.  SOOOO, I am still smoke-free.  Thank God, because that was a close one.

I am having some motivation problems (ok, severe motivation problems), related to above-stated anxiety, some mild depression, big feelings of being overwhelmed.  I haven’t kept up on my housework as I should and I let what started out as a couple of mice under my sink turn into a much bigger problem.

The Big Dawg came over yesterday and gave me a kind lecture, all the while reassuring me it would be ok if I just followed a certain set of steps.  So, I’m committed to doing just that and I am committed to getting a big chunk of the work done before I ask Mom to come over and help.  That is what he suggested, and I think he is right.  You can’t leave your own messes for someone else to clean up.

And I am motivated.  I want to be able to have people over to my house again, for people to feel comfortable here.  Along with cleaning for mice, I will be cleaning for smoke residue, which should make things much more pleasant in general.  I have all the supplies I need, and am going to work at finding more time over the next four days (my four work-days), even though I have unfortunately scheduled a social event for nearly every evening.

Speaking of which, why in the eff do I do that?  Well, I mean, I know why.  I am painfully, hopelessly lonely.  As Mom says, there was someone always around (DSB) for over two years, and I got used to that, and now it is hit or miss if I will be able to find someone to talk to.  And as bad as it sounds, as terrible as DSB and my relationship was at times, there were good parts.

We had coffee together in the mornings, watched our favorite shows and ate dinner together at night.  For periods of our relationship, we talked about everything under the sun and could sit and visit for hours on end.  I also had a sense of safety and security, with DSB and Rascal at home.  I didn’t w0rry about my house being broken into or getting stranded by the side of the road or coming home in the dark.

There was someone to drive me places (because I have come to the point that I hate to drive) and someone to tell me (at all  hours of the day and night) that everything was going to be ok, that I was ok, that what I did or said was ok.  To give me advice.  To, for a time in our relationship, love me unconditionally.

I miss that and I work very hard every day at pushing through that.  I don’t talk about it with hardly anyone, just one friend and I think I may have mentioned it to Goddess of Mindfulness and my mom.  And I didn’t get into details with my dad the other day, when he asked me if I was lonely…I just cried and cried.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands or wants to understand.  Other times I feel very understood.  The times after it gets dark are the worst, but the day can be just as bad if I don’t have anything going on.  I just feel like I keep desperately reaching out and I am only burdening and annoying people.

Reveling in the Dialectic-icity of it All

I want my own space, but I also desperately seek out contact with others.  I think I am about on my dad’s last nerve with constant phone calls, only to have a brief interaction.  DSB is used to me seeking is attention constantly, as is QoB.  I don’t know why I have been throwing myself at my dad recently, but he is surely not used to it and I don’t know that he is altogether appreciative of me wanting so much of his attention.

I have this feeling and fear that I am losing a connection with Dad.  We spent years  with me not wanting to have anything to do with him and not having much of a relationship.  Over the past few years, we have become closer and I treasure our time together.  It finally feels like he “gets” me.  I have an intense fear of him being out of my life again, now that I have his support.

I don’t know exactly what the deal is, but I am constantly texting, calling, etc my loved ones.  I have a desire to have my own time, but an even more intense desire to be connected.  I feel empty when I am alone anymore.  I used to be able to just kind of do my thing, but now it seems that I get lonely easily and I find myself reaching out, sometimes into thin air.

My therapist and I were examining what makes me get up in the middle of the night and eat.  When I first wake up, I feel empty and lonely.  DSB is out on the couch and I can’t snuggle against him or hug him or kiss him.  I am utterly alone and in the dark and I can’t manage it.  I think I eat then to comfort myself and also because I know that, if I eat enough, I will fall asleep again.

Not sleeping in the same bed as DSB is very sad.  He has given me many reasons, mostly that I don’t sleep well when he is in bed.  The bed is too small, the bed is uncomfortable, my elbow is constantly in his side, he wakes me up from rolling around, etc.  I think we should just get twin beds and push them together.  Money prevents us from doing this now.

It is hard to feel close with someone when you aren’t ever physically close.  We don’t sit on a couch next to each other, our chairs in the dining room are across a table, we sit in recliners to watch TV.  There is very little closeness and I feel a great divide sprawling in between us.  He is not an affectionate person, so I am always the one to initiate a kiss or a hug.  He just plain doesn’t touch me.  Ever.

Of course, this makes me feel like I am unattractive, or undesirable, and sometimes unloved.  He does not know how to express his feelings and I can go for days, thinking that he has become uninterested.  Which, of course, makes me throw myself at him even more.  He must be terribly confused with it all, because I sure am.

I am not worried about our sex life and won’t go into any sort of detail here on this blog, but a kind word or a good long hug or even a slap on the ass would be welcome, in passing.  I just want some attention.

And I don’t feel like I really get any attention, yet I am always seeking it out.  It would be nice if I didn’t have to try so hard, to practically beg for it.  No one calls without me calling first, no one hugs without me hugging first.  Maybe I am just beating everyone to the punch.  I feel lonely and I feel starved for attention.  I don’t really know what to do about it.