Sometimes I feel like I am a child, stumbling along in the dark, and often directly into the path of a bright window, where love radiates and I learn a lesson. I feel as if I have learned many lessons lately, and the most important one I have learned is this:
I need to figure out what it takes to be the best “me,” and then do THAT.
Throw myself into whatever it is that takes me furthest, whatever makes me happiest, whatever helps those I love the most, whatever serves the greater good but also grows me.
I am a seedling, growing under the care of love and the sun and I am constantly changing and growing and breaking through barriers, yet moving slowly and purposefully as so not to bruise my tender leaves. I have to be patient with myself and I have to ask others to be patient with me, in turn.
At 35, one might think I should be all grown up and have it figured out. Let me tell you something:
Anyone that tells you they have it all figured out at 35, they are lying to you with fingers crossed behind their back.
We ALL want to give off the impression that we have it together. We don’t. I don’t, you don’t, not completely. Some parts of our lives are stronger and more figured out than others, but life is a lesson that you keep learning new things about until you are dead. And if you stop learning, stop growing, become stagnant, your leaves fall off and you die. You die and you walk around as a husk of a person because you had it in your head that you had to have it all figured out RIGHT NOW.
My goal this week is to be kinder and gentler with myself. I have been criticizing myself harshly because, as of the last few weeks, I haven’t been as productive (at least traditionally so), as I may have hoped. I’m going to cut myself some slack though, because I am needing time to heal.
I have been physically under the weather for almost three weeks now, and the mystery illness isn’t letting up. I have a feeling that stress and strong self-criticism and not allowing myself to just rest and to just be, is what is continuing the sickness. Not that the illness is in my head, because I think it is very real, just that I am exacerbating it by continuing to expect myself to be Wonder Woman and all things to all people and to check all sorts of things off my “to do” list every day.
So I am taking a break from the harshness of my own voice reprimanding myself. I am going to try and take it easy. I am going to try and figure out what makes me the best “me” that I can be, and I’m going to run with it. Some of my very favorite people in the world are going through rough times right now, too, and I want to urge them, to urge you, to be kind to yourself this week. To take it a little easier than normal on yourself.
It is positive to motivate yourself to do things, but when your voice turns cruel and you stop giving yourself credit and you decide you are a bad person, just stop. It really is that simple — stop being so mean to yourself, and give yourself a break. You will come out ahead, in the end.