Sad, angry, happy, irritable, hostile, giddy, appearing stable, sad, lonely, panicked, giddy, irritable, hostile.
Mad, sad, crying, hysterical, eerie calm, thankfulness, slow descent back to an impressive depression, then just a big solid block of sadness, quickly surpassed by feelings of irritation at every spoken word, movement, gesture, genuinely baffled by how ugly people can be.
All of this turning into genuine anger, first directed at the self, stabbing words into my skin as if with a knife, getting myself so unsettled again that I go through crying, more anger, hostility, to anger at other people/things/objects/ideas, and again circling back to hating everything about myself and secure in the knowledge that I am ruining the life of myself and everyone in it.
This gets old and it gets tiresome and it gets lonely. My feelings all are over the place, some of which I am accustomed to, but the anger, the hostility, the sharp tongue — I never get used to that. I never get used to the piece of me that can and will tear another down with words, hurling just the right ones in the most sensitive spots for maximum damage. The difference between before and now, is that I am depressed enough, I don’t really care that I am hurting other people. That is not good. Every jab looks to land a mat-dropping blow.
I can control it to an extent, but there are times when I feel so bad, that I don’t control it and I let my mouth run wild and I hurt people. For the most part, it is brushed off because the other person knows it isn’t really the Rosa inside who is saying these things. Sometimes it doesn’t get fixed that easily.
I deleted over thirty people from my Facebook over the last week, because I am convinced someone is leaking information about me to my ex step-father. To be clear, I am done, done, DONE with that relationship and any relationship I may have ever had with that ENTIRE side of the family. It’s a shame, because there was one or two people that were somewhat decent, but for the sake of my mental health, I can have NO contact. I want him to forget I exist. Let him think I went to Alaska to can salmon or something. Rosa, disappeared from his world, never ever again going back. I have my reasons, many reasons which are really not worth spelling out here, because I don’t care to embarrass anyone, but done, just done. Goodbye. Again. Stay gone.
I started this post shaking with anger, and that was after I wrote a long, ranting email to a friend of mine. I need a way to get over this anger, to make it stop, to do something productive with it, if it isn’t just going to go away nicely. Suggestions, as always, are welcome in the comments. And even if I get mad about a comment, I won’t attack anyone, and that is a promise (that I feel that I can keep right now at 9:45PM on a Friday night). That’s the best I can do for now.