Possibilities and Challenges

I like to blog more often than a month worth of every 10 days or so, but life is getting in the way.  Not necessarily in a good way.  In short words, my parents are getting a divorce.

Longer words, current circumstances are stressful, interpersonal relationships are either weakened or strengthened.  I find myself crying a lot and screaming, “I can’t do this” in my head (and sometimes, out-loud, usually in my car), even though I’m not sure exactly what “this” is.

And sometimes, actually, it’s more like mostly, it hurts so much and its so badly stressful because you see your parents, people you have known your entire life, who have loved you and protected you and sang silly songs to you and called you out on your curfew, well, you see them suffering.

Suffering and crying and being angry and being sad.  Having to make really hard, life-changing decisions.  It is very difficult, as a grown woman, for the first time after 30-some years of living life together, that you see your dad cry.  Not able to talk to you because he is so upset.  Absolutely heartbreaking.

All the people around you, who so clearly don’t see your position and obviously think you are an idiot, tell you it’s not your fault (of course it’s not!) and that it is between them and there is nothing you can do to make it better (well, YES, no kidding, really?).  I spent the first bit trying to get them back together, of course, which is a natural human response, I believe.  But then I realized, this is not my battle to fight.  There is absolutely not one single thing I can do that will “fix” this or make it better.

I am hoping I am going to turn the corner from being extremely stressed out and upset and crying and going on to some sort of acceptance.  I am working on it, is all I can say.  Maybe do a little more of what Mr. Merton says:

You do not need to know precisely what is happening,

or exactly where it is all going.

What you need is to recognize the possibilities

and challenges offered by the present moment,

and to embrace them with courage.

Thomas Merton

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A quick note…

I have been very behind reading, liking, and commenting on other blogs.  If you haven’t seen me stop by in awhile, my emotional turmoil and all the stress is what is keeping me away.  I hope to return to the blogosphere with much enthusiasm in November for NaBloPoMo and plan to be doing a lot of reading of blogs I have followed forever and hopefully some new blogs starting very soon.

Rosa

Happiness is Right Here

The above song came out right around the time my sister and her (now) husband were planning their wedding.  I think both my mom and I hoped that they would choose it as their wedding song, because it was just so “them.”  Little did we know that they had another very special song in mind.

It seemed like such a magical time.  She had asked me to be her maid of honor, much to my surprise and, er, honor.  I mean really, it meant the world to me that she would ask me to be by her side as she married the man she loved most in the world.  And although I didn’t know her soon-to-be husband in a very deep way, I was convinced that he would treat my sister right and even more convinced that he felt a deep, profound love for her.

Her wedding day that November was the happiest I had in years.  It’s still probably in my top five happiest almost five years later.  It didn’t matter that the guy I was dating at the time was a complete social reject or that my dress didn’t fit right or that my shoes were ill-advised.  I choked up when I saw her walk down the aisle, barely stopping myself from full-on crying.  I was teary-eyed throughout the ceremony, and really, had never experienced tears of joy before.  I actually thought that was a made-up phenomenon.

After the wedding, there was a whirling limo ride through the city, with all the bridesmaids and groomsmen and the happy couple drinking beer that was actually made by my brother-in-law and his friends, and made to taste like champagne!

The reception was lovely, I made a little speech (that went rather well, I was told), and we danced away the night.  I have never danced so much, ever, and don’t think I ever will again.  I actually danced so much that I could barely walk the next day (darn those inadvisable shoes!).  My sister and her husband were so clearly giddy and in love and happy.  My heart warms thinking of it even now.

A car stood waiting to whisk my sister and her husband off to their hotel for the night, as my then-boyfriend helped me maneuver my tipsy parents off to the cars we drove.  A wave goodbye, and they were gone, Mr. and Mrs.  The only time I have ever been happier is holding my new nephew.  More love and happiness brought to me by those two.

I love that my sister made me a part of that day, and that I have been able to see my nephew a few times since he was born.  He is (I think) coming up on three months old now, and my sister has to go back to work.  I probably won’t see him as often, but I plan on asking for some time off every now and again so I can go see my favorite little guy.  Love and  happiness reigns with my sister and that little baby, even through the crying and the tears and the up-all-nights.  There is so much love.  I couldn’t be happier.

Also perfect — the song that they DID choose for their wedding:

 

 

 

 

I Covet No More

The Daily Prompt today is:  We all get jealous from time to time — what wakes the green-eyed monster for you?

covet:

to desire (what belongs to another) inordinately or culpably

I love words.  I love to say words, type words, read words, and I especially like to spell words.  When I read the daily prompt, it refers to jealousy.  I immediately broke that down to covet.  One of my favorite words.  Coveting leads to jealousy, coveting could really be called jealousy.  

If we think of the phrase “what belongs” in the above definition, and made “what” into something that could be material or immaterial, it clearly leads that there can be no jealousy without coveting.  At least that’s how I see it, and how I’ll use the words for the remainder of the post.

I’m not an especially jealous person.  I don’t really care when DSB flirts with the nurses at wound care clinic, I don’t find myself checking out other people’s expensive belongings with a little green in my eyes, and I don’t GENERALLY envy other people their material possessions (or, immaterial things, like grace, charm, social status, looks, body type, what have you).  I don’t even envy or covet other people’s good mental health.

I’ve brought this up before, and I’ll bring it up again.  What I have coveted for so long, what has made me so jealous is young (and older) people getting married and having babies.  I have so badly wanted those things.  In keeping with the post, I would say I have  COVETED those things.

For someone who cannot have those things, this makes the coveting of such all the more painful.  I see it.  I want it.  I know I can’t ever have it.  I still want it but it will never happen.  Really and truly, under no circumstances can it happen.  It just wasn’t meant to be.

Telling yourself, as you’re holding a newborn baby or sitting at a wedding, that you can’t have these things, destroys a part of you.  That jealousy and envy and coveting eats you alive, when you’re right there in the thick of it.  I used to spend hours and hours crying as I looked at Facebook of pictures of babies and of my friends’ weddings.

I had several bad moments when my sister was pregnant, that I was just so outrageously jealous, I couldn’t stand myself.  I would have killed to be in her shoes, to be doing what she was doing.  It tore me to pieces.  My sister having a baby solidified things for me:  I would never be doing that.

I’ve come a long way since then, and what I would say now is that I don’t covet having a baby, per-say.  I covet TIME with my nephew.  I covet daily photos and videos and chats with my sister.  I am fulfilling my now (mostly) silenced desire to have my own child, by living vicariously through my sister.  I am Auntie Rose and I have never been more proud or awestruck as when I am in that little guy’s presence.

As for the other part.  The marriage part.  I think it might not be all its cracked up to be.  I can’t marry DSB, and don’t think I would even if I could.  If I were to find another guy and he wanted to get married, I don’t know if I would want to (or if I even could).  It’s complicated, but at the same time it’s not.

Am I jealous of love?  Like the real love I see between my parents, or the real love I see between my dad and his wife?  I wouldn’t say jealousy is the right word.  And I know I don’t covet it.  It might be nice someday, but I don’t know that those kind of loves come around for everyone.

And so there is no more jealousy, no more coveting about marriage and having babies.  I’ll be Auntie Rose, but I sure won’t be having any babies, and I think I’ve come to a place where I’m finally good with that.  Maybe my sister will have a few more and I can move in next door and play “the fun babysitter.”  😀

It Goes, and it Goes, and it Goes Some More

Mondays used to be the worst day of the week for me, which I believe I shared with most other working people.  It was just so hard to get back into the swing of things, and, on top of that, it seemed like there had always been some disaster over the weekend that screamed for immediate attention.  I was almost always late on Mondays, and I often called in, just not able to wrap my head around what was surely waiting for me.

Since leaving the working world and going on disability, the days of the week became less important.  There wasn’t a specific day I dreaded, because many of my days were the same.  There was a lot of therapy in the beginning, and there is still some now, but for the most part I didn’t actually DREAD going.  At least not in the beginning.

Lately, I had been coming to dread my weekly group and individual session.  I hated going to group and I didn’t feel I was getting along with my therapist.  After last week’s session, I told her I wasn’t going to do group anymore.  She relented, surprisingly enough, and also cut me back to individual every other week.  We had a really good session and accomplished a lot.  I think not going to group and just going to therapy once a week is going to be perfect.  I feel I am at that point.

I digress; what I wanted to address were my feelings on particular days of the week.  Now, I am working Thursday thru Saturday and I am, for the most part, excited about that.  My job is easy, I get out and about, and I meet interesting people, all the while feeling useful to my parents.  My only issue with those days is that I rarely get anything else done.  I don’t clean, don’t blog, don’t do laundry, don’t cook dinner.  I just work.  I suppose that is ok, but it is amazing how five hours of work can fill up a day.  

A long time ago, DSB requested that we take one day each week to just spend time together.  I brushed off the idea, stating that we already DO spend a lot of time together.  I insisted it was silly, a control thing.  Well, now that we have a lot more going on, I am getting the point.  A few weeks ago, we sat down and decided that Mondays were going to be “our day.”  We wouldn’t work, we wouldn’t worry about the house or things we “should” be doing.  We would just be together.  

I worried about the idea for awhile.  I wasn’t sure how I would feel, just not doing anything on that day.  Now, after just a few weeks, I cherish our Mondays.  On Sunday, I have been cleaning up after the Thursday thru Saturday “work week” and have things fairly well under control.  I do laundry, dishes, grocery shopping.  I take out the trash and tidy up the house.  I don’t get crazy about it, but I make it so that, on Monday, I can focus all of my attention on DSB without worrying about anything else.

Mondays with DSB are truly wonderful.  Sometimes we go out and do things, but mostly we hang out and bullshit.  DSB is my best friend, and our Mondays together fully confirm and convince me of that.  There is no one else on this planet that I can do that with, where it doesn’t get old after several hours.  DSB and I spend time together from the first cup of coffee to the 10:00pm news.  Sometimes we will watch a movie or TV, but mostly, like I said, we just bullshit.

I love that we can do this and I know we are very blessed, because most couples can’t.  I am of the strong belief that DSB and I are not like “most couples.”  We seem to have a different understanding of the world and are fortunate enough to be able to devote an entire day to each other.  For all the couples out there, I would encourage you to set aside whatever length of time you can to just being together and forgetting about the world’s bullshit.

QoB and Big Dog have been together 26+ years and they have what appears to be a great marriage.  They run two businesses and before that both worked full-time jobs.  They’re also not much for just sitting around and not doing anything; however, every day since I can remember, they sit around the table for at least a couple of hours and talk about anything and everything under the sun.  My mom swears that it is one of the main things you can do as a couple to stay together.  

If DSB and I can hold things together as well as my parents have for so many years, I would say we are truly blessed.  And yes, we do work on it, but from what I’ve learned over the last year with DSB, a truly beautiful relationship takes work, so that’s what we’re going to keep doing.