I think this is part of the human condition, rather than a function of mental illness (or wellness, for that matter). We try so very hard to maintain a baseline, and sometimes it floats away from us, due to circumstances not within our control.
Let’s face it…very little is within our control, and especially others’ behavior and inactions and lives — those are exquisitely beyond our control. And that little fact can drive me a bit mad. I have the tendency to want to loop my lasso over the horns of every bull and drag it to the ground, and this is simply insanity and I cannot sustain it over the long haul. I can (and do) work on my own issues, but I cannot *fix* or even (in most cases) alter the path of others’ behavior.
I have been quiet for the past couple weeks, simply living life, and struggling to live it on the terms which are required of me. There is so much suffering around me and I want to reach out and heal it, but when I do, I often leave myself with scars. I cannot help you, without being affected myself, and I am not always in a position where I can afford to be affected by anything other than my own complicated existence.
In the past few weeks, my focus has been on living in the moment, general mindfulness, willingness, practicing opposite to emotion. In other words, Rosa is doing some hard work right about now, and sometimes when I am doing that, I have to disappear a little bit. Because words are hard to come by, and there have been other challenges that I haven’t wanted to put a spotlight on — very real, very concrete and physical challenges that I don’t know how to wrap my own tired mind around, nevertheless explain them to someone else.
I miss blogging when I don’t do it, but it is necessary for me to shut down, or maybe even reboot my brain every once in awhile. I haven’t been talking about it, but in the past month I have been dealing with a new mental health diagnosis, the confirmation of a new chronic physical illness, a septic system that is no longer working, the death of an aunt, worries about family members, and with all the recent rain, a basement that is full of water and must be pumped every couple of hours (and the ruin of my HVAC system and hot water heater, with the first wave of rain).
A lot going on, yes, but I am managing because I am living in the moment and not allowing myself to think too far outside of where I am right now. I also don’t want to feel like I am complaining, because I really do have a great deal to be thankful for. The challenges keep pouring in on my head, but I continue to have hope and faith that things will work out for the best. That fact, that I still have hope and faith even with the storms of drama around me, is near-miraculous, as my general tendency (once-upon-a-time) would be to catastrophize and live in panic. I don’t want to do that anymore, and I actually refuse to do that anymore.
I will write more about the new physical and mental health diagnoses at some point, and at another point I might take a moment to complain about my failed septic/HVAC/basement disasters. For today, though, I just want to be grateful for things like my LarBear, family, friends, and for my new-found sense of hope and ok-ish-ness.