Deconstructing the Structure

I have been going to a mental health group titled “Intermediate Treatment Group” (which means nothing, other than it’s a step below “Intensive Treatment Group,” which I have also attended when the times were rougher).  I  have been going Mon-Wed-Fri for an hour, and it’s an hour’s drive round trip.

I have learned a lot from this group, like how to better manage my time and how to be more productive.  How to set goals.  How to create activities that help to achieve said goals.  I’m at the point where I get it.  I’ve been through the entire manual almost twice, and the teachings have sunk into my otherwise-addled brain.

As of October 28th (I know that by looking back in my blog, which is the main reason I write), I was wanting to continue with group and had decided such.  Now, just eight days later, I think the time has come to finish things up.  I wonder to myself how it is that I’ve come to this conclusion.  I really do feel the group is helpful, but I also feel that I have “reached max benefits,” as they call it.

And that’s what I would call it, as well.  I can gain nothing further by continuing to go to group.  I’ve been through the material more than once and I genuinely have that, “I get it!” feeling.  I have been much more productive, I have been better about structuring my time, and I am reaching out socially (although on an Internet-based level, I still feel it counts).

And that is what they want you to take away from completing group.  I’m there.  I’ve reached the finish line.  I think my therapist will be okay with it.  I recently went from seeing her weekly to seeing her every other week, and that has been a huge relief, because I really don’t care for her, which is another blog in and of itself.

I have a lot to keep me busy.  I have a house to maintain, relationships to keep up, a small but important workweek, and goals I hope to achieve.  And as I learned in group, having goals means you need to have activities to achieve these goals.

My life has been broken into little, easy-to-swallow pieces and there would have been a time in my life where I resented that.  I am more accepting of my limitations now.  I know I will never have a high-powered or high-stress job.  I know that I might always need more support than the average bear.  I consigned myself to a lifetime of medication and pdoc appointments a long time ago, and I realize that I might need a bit of talk therapy here and there throughout the course of my life.

I’m okay with all of that, on most days.  Sure, there are the days where I rage against it all, but those are coming fewer and farther between.  I attribute that to having loving, caring, and, most of all, accepting people around me.  I really feel like I can move on from where I’ve been stuck the last while and do something great.

I don’t know what that “great” thing will be, but you’ll be the first to know when I figure it out.  😀


I Need Ear Plugs

I’d just about give up my left big-toe right now to have a little silence.  I’m even thinking of going and sitting in my car.  Between DSB and his obsession with the TV, and the dogs going sideways because the neighbors happen to be hanging out in the driveway, and DSB’s phone ringing incessantly, and my blood thumping in my ears, I’m about to go a little haywire.

It’s been a busy week, a busy weekend, and I am still running on a sleep deficit.  I don’t feel very good physically, due to the lack of sleep, and the neighbors are about to not feel very good physically get an earful if they don’t get out of my yard.  I’m starting to feel more than a little cranky around the edges.

Really, why must there be such noise?

I almost took a nap today, but QoB called and I ripped off the ol’ CPAP, invited her over, and went off to find some pants.  It really turned out to be a good thing that she came over, because we got quite a bit done.  Or rather, QoB cleaned like the madwoman that she is and I helped do a few things, but otherwise sat around feeling ill and guilty for not helping much.

And I have ants.  Hopefully we took care of them, but mercy, there were quite a few.  When I told DSB, he was unimpressed and told me that he had advised me of such over a week ago.  Somehow I doubt that, but we must choose our battles, so I said, “Ok, hon,” and went back to doing dishes.  I really did do a lot of dishes today.  That I know as concrete fact, whereas it is remotely possible that DSB had already advised me of the ants a week ago.  Like I said, you pick your battles.

Another battle that I did not end up picking with DSB was that of the “miscellaneous computer crap” that has been piling up in my dining room over the last month.  QoB nipped that one in the bud and tucked it all away, nice and neat.  On a not-so-lovely note, DSB did not notice that it was all gone when he came inside.  Apparently chaos only drives ME insane.

My apologies that this post is all over the place.  I am suffering severe brain fog that I am hoping will remit, say, tomorrow, because I am positive I am going to get a good night’s sleep.  Cross your fingers and toes on that one.  I know I am.


And Sometimes I’m Nice

As I blogged about yesterday, my sister’s big baby shower was today.  And yesterday, I was not feeling being around a bunch of people, and, even worse, being around some people that I can hardly tolerate.  I have had a serious lack of sleep issue going on, and I can’t always be counted on to have my filter switched on during this sort of thing.

I have to give some serious credit to my sister’s childhood friends who, in the end, really put the show together.  I’d been doing behind-the-scenes work all week…ya know, scrubbing out a microwave, dusting off shelves, making party favors.  But my sister’s friends, who I will hereafter refer to as The Gaggle, made everything run very smoothly.

The only thing I was in charge of today was telling people where to park, and I thought that was just awesome.  The Gaggle set out food, mixed drinks, picked up plates, organized presents, facilitated the obligatory shower game (which I did not win, because I don’t have enough items in my purse, bwahahah!), and were just in general fabulous.

I stayed through the main shower part, and, even though I really didn’t feel like it, I was nice.  I made polite conversation without taking Klonopin.  I hugged a few people that I would rather never see again.  And I kept my filter screwed on tight.  I’m actually proud of myself.

When I couldn’t take anymore chit-chat, I hauled ass home and chatted with DSB for awhile about the woes of welding and fire pits, and then we came inside and I tried for two hours to take a nap.  I didn’t sleep, but it was quite restful to just lie there, snuggled in lots of heavy blankets, with my earbuds in, and my eyes closed.  To be frank, it was nice not to be talking.

Not sleeping really does a number on my body (i.e., I feel sicker than shit), and so DSB graciously made dinner tonight and went to the store for our two most important items — ice and milk.  Must-have’s in this household, although that might sound weird.  We go through a lot of both.  At any rate, I’ve been fed, watched a few episodes of Grimm on Amazon Prime (that is such a great service, it’s not even funny), and now I’m blogging, so all is pretty much perfect in my little world.

And I don’t have to work tomorrow.  And the time changes tonight.  Boo to that, but I’m trying to think positively in that I’ll get an extra hour of sleep, if I actually sleep.

So all that being said, go check out some wonderful bloggers featured in Rara’s Nano Poblano.  We’re on Day Two of a Never-Ending-Month (just kidding, I am loving it so far!) and need all the support and readers we can get!  😀