Crackling Like a Live Wire

You may or may not have noticed, but I dropped out of Reverb.  The prompts were good, the prompts were fine, but there is just so much daily bull shit going on right now that I feel I can barely keep my head above water.

The divorce seems to get more painful and exhausting for my mom as time wears on.  I am doing my best not to get in the middle and they are doing a. good job of not putting me there, but its hard to see her so defeated.  She won’t let me around her, in fact, when she is upset, so I spend a lot of time getting avoided.  I get it, really do.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

My anxiety has been sky high the last several weeks.  It decreased for awhile, but is now back in full force.  I am still not smoking or using lozenges or the patch, and have decided to try and address my problems with binge eating.  I had thought of doing weight loss surgery, but with the habits I have, it would just be dangerous.  My thought is, work on the problem behavior with the thought that maybe someday I can do the surgery.  What I really want, though, is to lose weight in any way possible so that I can stop being that fat girl and move on with my life.

I have a friend I am trying to get back in touch with.  I have been thinking about it a lot lately and went ahead and tried to make contact today.  It was a bit of an awkward situation on my end when we stopped (inadvertently almost) atlking to each other last, and I am hoping that he can look past that and we can be friends again.

Promises that this blog will move onto bigger and better things in the near future — it only seems like there is a lot of bellyaching going on about petty little stuff.  Yep, I know…. I’m sick of it, too.

Stopping Smoking Now Greatly Reduces Risks To Your Health

Take it from the Surgeon General, from a friend, a family member, your doctor…smoking cigarettes is not a good thing.  I have been a smoker since I was 18, other than an 18 month period were I was able to quit in my mid-20’s.

DSB smokes, and so does QoB.  Everyone else I know does not, and some of those do-not’s are vehemently opposed.  I personally smoke like a chimney.  And cough like a car that just won’t start.  I’m easily winded, and have a hard time completing daily tasks, because of being just that winded.

I am ready to break free from all of this.  I have been thinking about it for a very long time, and have tried to become more mindful of all of the negative things about cigarette smoking here as of late.  Something a blog friend said on a comment really struck me.

Marilyn wrote in comment to this post: “I’m still stuck on the idea of a cigarette AND a CPAP machine. It’s causing psychic dissonance. I used to smoke. Cancer cured me — of smoking. I still miss that cigarette in the morning, but I don’t miss the chemo. Just a thought. ”

It is just a thought, but it’s one I took under advisement.  There is much dissonance to my smoking.  First of all, I have asthma and use an inhaler.  And, as Marilyn pointed out, I have to use a CPAP machine to sleep at night.  Add those two things together, along with the fact that cancer runs heavily in my dad’s side of the family, and it is I wonder I ever smoked to begin with.

Of course, I get bronchitis every year, that won’t go away.  Have for the past three years anyway.  I get more than my usual share of colds and stuffy nose.  I have to go outside in freezing wind and rain or outside in 100+ degree weather to smoke, unless I’m at home or in my car.  My activities are extremely limited due to being short of breath.  I have a strong desire to get close to a healthy body weight, and I can’t do much exercising because of the difficulty breathing.

There is just so much more I want out of life.  I don’t want to be chained to always having to have a cigarette.  Not only are they nasty and cancer-provoking and socially unadvised, they cost a lot of money.  I figured out, if I quit smoking, I will have an extra $400 – $500 a month, and I can really use that money.  Case in point, I had to have my cigarettes this week so I barely bought any groceries, and now my dad is picking me up enough from the grocery store until I get my weekly check.  Terribly humiliating, and I never ever want to ask for money.  Mom had to give me extra gas money, too.  I financially can’t afford to smoke, haven’t been able to for a long time now, and it’s just now sinking in.

My dad went out and bought NRT aids (Nicotine Replacement Therapy) for me this evening.  Just because he wants to help and he knows it will help me quit.  Some people say to just do it cold-turkey, but I can’t handle that, and yes, I have tried.  The last time I successfully quit smoking (for 18 months), I used the patch and it really didn’t seem that hard.

I’m pretty sure it will be hard this time, seeing as DSB is a smoker and we live together, and also because I’m a much more stressed-out individual then I was when I last quit.  I’m ready for the challenge, though.  I just can’t keep doing this (smoking) and killing myself off slowly.  I want to be free to exercise and do things I need to do and get healthier.  I don’t want to become a cancer or heart disease statistic because of something I CHOSE to do to myself.

So tonight right before bed will be my last cigarette, and when I wake I’ll slap on a patch and put a lozenge in my mouth (because I was so advised by my doctor), and I’m hoping that this is a battle I will win.  Any support or kind words are appreciated.  😀