Today is the first day that we have had actual Autumn-like weather. It is dreary out, the days of sunshine prior are slowly erasing themselves from my memory, until it feels like every day for the past ten years has been this way. This removal of hope that happens to me from time to time, it’s happening, and like I sometimes (but not always) do, this time I am refusing to give myself the option to quit on myself.
I have too much going for me to give up. I can’t promise that the thoughts won’t sneak in, but for this moment and for at least today, I will not quit on myself. I will keep plodding, one foot in front of the other, and I will come out victorious in the Spring, surviving and possibly even conquering this beast in my brain that seems to be so loud and demanding through the colder months.
Continuing on from my last post, that strategy of hunkering down and just slogging through it will remain, will keep on. I am not going to detail the daily woes of life, because that gets me nowhere. I accept that I am depressed, moving through a mixed cycle, cycling, paranoid, racing thoughts, nightmares, feeling unsafe, and avoiding most people, most places, most interactions. I acknowledge and then I move forward. Maybe tomorrow will be better, I really have no way of knowing for sure, but I can work my hardest to keep shuffling toward days filled with more sunlight and green carpets of grass and natural warmth on my skin. I will not let today’s troubles swallow me whole, spitting me out to be useless and lying still on the carpet all day.
I will do the things I need to do, I will follow the lists, I will cherish my blessings, and I will persevere, because there is really no other acceptable answer. Above all, remember that a simple kindness can be the push that gets a person through a hard day. Don’t be shy, throw a pebble at my window. I will likely be both surprised and grateful, and will almost certainly return the favor.