**TW FOR SUICIDAL IDEATION**
Stuck in time-space travel, living too far into the future, no focus, hyper-focused, zero attention span. Do not care. About that (although a little troublesome) or about much. I’ve let most things I love and care about drop around my feet slowly, starting in August of last year, when my world was given the big smack-down and everything changed.
I’ve cycled through some hypomania and have as of late been mired in depression and super-fun mixed episodes, with a bit of giddy mania sandwiched in. I have dropped blogging, family, friends, personal hygiene, my TV shows, my music, my books, my sanity, and the smoking and weight loss kick to find myself with a new boyfriend and far too much change and far too much crying, several times a day, every day. Something is not right.
I feel as if I am living in a different world. I don’t do the things that ground me. I am trying new things and they sometimes make me quite miserable. Cutting off ties to certain people leaves my belly churning and my chest tight. On the flip of that, I am deliriously happy, ecstatic even at times. And in the middle, irritable, wounded, striking out. I am all and I am none.
I am eating Hamburger Helper and Ramen noodles and instant mashed potatoes, even though I can cook, and do cook well. My body is so parched for moisture from a lack of self-care, that my feet are cracked, my skin rough, my hair thinning. I do not recognize myself in a mirror. I have important phone calls to make to set up appointments for my health and should try and see family more, but all I really want to do is stay up all night being whacked or lying in bed all day, broken.
I want to retain the good parts of my life and explore the new, rid myself of the negative or unhelpful, but I can’t make myself care enough to do anything about it. I probably look fine, even good on the outside, like I am doing well. But in mind and heart I have gone away.
I sometimes think about throwing myself on the mercy of the psychiatric hospital, or the local crisis services, but I don’t, because that only burdens everyone. I stay safe because I keep boyfriend Larry at my side as much as I can. There is only so much one can do, though, and he will get tired. As with any other relationship, I am probably wrecking this one already with my craziness.
No real worries, friends. I will keep on keeping myself safe. These are only thoughts and feelings. Reality is that there is love in my life and I would never do anything to hurt or abandon anyone in that fashion.
