I Wish I Could…(Almost Wordless Wednesday)

Today, missing a person in my life who hasn’t completely left it, but pushes me away tiny bit by tiny bit.  There is so much I want to say, that I won’t, that I can’t (for various reasons).  I had a person in my life for almost 34 years who I thought loved me, for me, and treated me as his own.  Now that things are different, I yearn to be able to turn to him as I did all of those years, but my mind and heart have been so damaged by the past year, and all of his words, his actions and inactions, that I have to leave it alone.  This may end up being the first DBT complete “burning bridges” that I have to do.  I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I don’t see any change in the future, and if I look back far enough, it wasn’t usually good enough to make me feel okay in the first place.

 

 

Those Who Suffer Around Us

I have really been rolling around in the muck, feeling all sorts of sorry for myself. I can and anyone could  easily get caught up in the stifling desperation, lose all sense of reality and what is real and fair in the world.  Simple enough, you can be oblivious to the world around you, and the people in it — some who are going through their own private hell right now.

Depression makes you appear selfish to others.  It keeps you from loving fully, pass by quickly you whisper to loved and strangers alike as it can render you unable to speak or to even be in the presence of others..  Your ability to naturally happen upon the feeling of compassion for others is nonexistent, thanks to the fact that you just do not see those people.  They are standing there, but if you are depressed enough you can sit or stand or lie very still, and you will not glimpse even a shadow of the people quietly (and at times desperately) living their lives around you.

When you are deep, sunk into depression, you are not as helpful to others; in fact, making contact can be like creating a physical wound, sometimes shallow and able to be ignored, and other times the contact makes your heart stop.  And start.  And stop.  And start.

My mom and stepdad are in the middle of a divorce now.  I have moved past the stage of trying to fix it, to trying not to internalize all of the muck.  My mom and stepdad, especially my stepdad, are the ones I think of when I wrote the above.  So many emotions, most very strong, a whirlwind that can secret you away if you don’t pay close enough attention.


I spent today with QoB and it was nice.  She cooked and I played Dee-jay  and she danced around the kitchen just like it was old times.  We talked about many different things and I spent a lot of time being silent, as did she.  We have always been like that, since forever and a day, able to sit near each other for long periods of time in comfortable silence.

 

Possibilities and Challenges

I like to blog more often than a month worth of every 10 days or so, but life is getting in the way.  Not necessarily in a good way.  In short words, my parents are getting a divorce.

Longer words, current circumstances are stressful, interpersonal relationships are either weakened or strengthened.  I find myself crying a lot and screaming, “I can’t do this” in my head (and sometimes, out-loud, usually in my car), even though I’m not sure exactly what “this” is.

And sometimes, actually, it’s more like mostly, it hurts so much and its so badly stressful because you see your parents, people you have known your entire life, who have loved you and protected you and sang silly songs to you and called you out on your curfew, well, you see them suffering.

Suffering and crying and being angry and being sad.  Having to make really hard, life-changing decisions.  It is very difficult, as a grown woman, for the first time after 30-some years of living life together, that you see your dad cry.  Not able to talk to you because he is so upset.  Absolutely heartbreaking.

All the people around you, who so clearly don’t see your position and obviously think you are an idiot, tell you it’s not your fault (of course it’s not!) and that it is between them and there is nothing you can do to make it better (well, YES, no kidding, really?).  I spent the first bit trying to get them back together, of course, which is a natural human response, I believe.  But then I realized, this is not my battle to fight.  There is absolutely not one single thing I can do that will “fix” this or make it better.

I am hoping I am going to turn the corner from being extremely stressed out and upset and crying and going on to some sort of acceptance.  I am working on it, is all I can say.  Maybe do a little more of what Mr. Merton says:

You do not need to know precisely what is happening,

or exactly where it is all going.

What you need is to recognize the possibilities

and challenges offered by the present moment,

and to embrace them with courage.

Thomas Merton


A quick note…

I have been very behind reading, liking, and commenting on other blogs.  If you haven’t seen me stop by in awhile, my emotional turmoil and all the stress is what is keeping me away.  I hope to return to the blogosphere with much enthusiasm in November for NaBloPoMo and plan to be doing a lot of reading of blogs I have followed forever and hopefully some new blogs starting very soon.

Rosa

Happiness is Right Here

The above song came out right around the time my sister and her (now) husband were planning their wedding.  I think both my mom and I hoped that they would choose it as their wedding song, because it was just so “them.”  Little did we know that they had another very special song in mind.

It seemed like such a magical time.  She had asked me to be her maid of honor, much to my surprise and, er, honor.  I mean really, it meant the world to me that she would ask me to be by her side as she married the man she loved most in the world.  And although I didn’t know her soon-to-be husband in a very deep way, I was convinced that he would treat my sister right and even more convinced that he felt a deep, profound love for her.

Her wedding day that November was the happiest I had in years.  It’s still probably in my top five happiest almost five years later.  It didn’t matter that the guy I was dating at the time was a complete social reject or that my dress didn’t fit right or that my shoes were ill-advised.  I choked up when I saw her walk down the aisle, barely stopping myself from full-on crying.  I was teary-eyed throughout the ceremony, and really, had never experienced tears of joy before.  I actually thought that was a made-up phenomenon.

After the wedding, there was a whirling limo ride through the city, with all the bridesmaids and groomsmen and the happy couple drinking beer that was actually made by my brother-in-law and his friends, and made to taste like champagne!

The reception was lovely, I made a little speech (that went rather well, I was told), and we danced away the night.  I have never danced so much, ever, and don’t think I ever will again.  I actually danced so much that I could barely walk the next day (darn those inadvisable shoes!).  My sister and her husband were so clearly giddy and in love and happy.  My heart warms thinking of it even now.

A car stood waiting to whisk my sister and her husband off to their hotel for the night, as my then-boyfriend helped me maneuver my tipsy parents off to the cars we drove.  A wave goodbye, and they were gone, Mr. and Mrs.  The only time I have ever been happier is holding my new nephew.  More love and happiness brought to me by those two.

I love that my sister made me a part of that day, and that I have been able to see my nephew a few times since he was born.  He is (I think) coming up on three months old now, and my sister has to go back to work.  I probably won’t see him as often, but I plan on asking for some time off every now and again so I can go see my favorite little guy.  Love and  happiness reigns with my sister and that little baby, even through the crying and the tears and the up-all-nights.  There is so much love.  I couldn’t be happier.

Also perfect — the song that they DID choose for their wedding:

 

 

 

 

Relief in the Form of a Reprieve

I don’t think I get down on my knees and thank my lucky stars enough for my parents.  They have helped me through so much, and continue to do so.  I literally wouldn’t be alive had they not rescued me time after time.

In short, QoB and Big Dog are going to pay for the repairs to the AC and the hot water heater and let me pay them back slowly through my SSDI.  In the beginning, it didn’t look like that was feasible, because I was very responsible for the AC frying and the hot water heater going belly-up.  Because they are the great people they are, they decided to help me and I am truly grateful for that.

I don’t have therapy or group next week, and am really thankful for that.  Maybe I just need a short break, I don’t know.  I talked to my therapist about not wanting to do group and she really wants me to try it for one month straight and then see what I think.  I am considering doing this.  We didn’t get into how I feel like I can’t talk to her and how I feel there isn’t anything getting done in sessions.  I just shut down and I couldn’t do it.  I think I need to practice a little before the next time I see her.

I had a serious sit-down with DSB and told him that there were two things that had to happen in order for our relationship to continue.  One, I need affection and, two, we need to get out of the house more and do things together.  DSB can happily sit in his recliner in the office day in and day out and barely move.  I understand he is in a lot of pain and near-constant nausea, but even just going and sitting and chatting outside would be beneficial.  I think he is really taking me serious, and I am glad about that because I don’t want this relationship to end.

I don’t know if DSB still plans to go visit his family for a month, but in a way I think it would be good for us.  I would miss him, of course, but I do think it is important to reconnect with them.  Family isn’t as important to DSB as it is to me, by a long shot, but I think it would be helpful for both him and his family to spend some time together.  But, it could also not be a good thing for DSB because he tends not to get along with his family very well.  I am not going to push either way.

My water and AC should be on by the time I leave for work today, and that makes me very, very, very happy.  Now I know why city code makes it mandatory to have running water…not sure I wanted to find out this way!

Take a Little Time

Wow, I was getting in such a good routine of blogging in the mornings, and now it’s been almost a week!  What the quack??? to borrow a much-loved new expression from QoB.  😀

I think the reason for the lack of blogging is that the only real down-time I have is in the mornings, and I am really enjoying drinking my coffee, smoking, and listening to the iPod on the back porch, looking out into my beautiful yard.  That, and I have been working at being super-productive in the mornings, so that I can come home in the evenings and just chill, spend good quality time with Dr. Love, and get to bed at a decent time so that I can get up in the a.m. and do it all over again.  I’ve managed to get about two weeks of laundry totally done, have cleaned the kitchen every a.m. for about the last ten days (Dr. Love needed a break, I thought, and I was feeling guilty that I was pitching in on that project so infrequently), and have been picking up the house and keeping it nice and clean.

I love that feeling when everything in the house and on the chore-list is “just-so.”  No, not any control issues here or OCD issues here.  😀

I think we are headed out to the lake again this weekend.  The weather is supposed to be nice, except for some rain overnight on Saturday.  As QoB says, though, that’s all part of camping!  Dr. Love and I are really starting to get the hang of this whole camping thing and we’re LOVING it.  It’s so nice and relaxing to just get away, from the responsibilities at the house, from work, from the computer and the phone and just spend quality time together. 

QoB and Big Dog took their camper out to the lake last night, so I am sure we will be seeing them this weekend.  That will be nice for us and for them, because we don’t get to spend tons of quality time together, with them being so busy with the shops and, really, with Dr. Love and I being so busy just doing our thing.  Big Dog and QoB definitely need a break at this point…the busy seasons are ending and they’ve both been working seven days a week, just non-stop craziness. 

I think it’s kind of weird how everybody (including myself, sometimes) feels bad for the Big Dog because he has to work so much, but QoB is really working her ass off, too.  Granted, she is only working four 8’s a week at her regular job, but she’s putting in hours at the shops almost every evening, whether it is at home doing books/inventory/purchasing/research or at the shop slinging bait, plus she works all weekend from either the house or the shop.  All I have to say is, Madre, you’re amazing and a true inspiration for who I want to be.  MTLI.

So, last weekend Dr. Love and I worked at the shop on Saturday and Sunday, trying to help get stuff done.  We planted a crap-ton of plants for propogation (sp?) for the spring season and put most of them in the correct spots.  I do think Young21, their part-time garden store employee, has a lot of organizing and heavy lifting to do when he recovers from being ill, however.  At least we made some headway, though.  Then on Sunday, QoB and I forced (and I do mean forced) Big Dog to take off at 1:00 and go do something fun.  We ran the shops without a hitch, absolutely no problems.  I love it when a plan comes together.  Now Dr. Love, Big Dog, and I just need to find a way to give QoB a day off.  And by day off, I mean that she would likely spend it working on stuff at the house, because she just can’t.sit.still.  😀

I was thinking of the movie, Beaches — and I really don’t understand why it has such a low rating, because that’s one of the greatest.movies.of.all.time — for some reason this morning and really wanted to hear some Bette Midler

Without further adieu, I give you, one of my favorite celebs, Bette (and I couldn’t decide on just one song, and would love to hear if you have a favorite).  😀

Bette Midler, From a Distance

Bette Midler, The Rose

Bette Midler, Wind Beneath My Wings — and you know, people make fun of this song all the time, but I quackin’ love it, so there.  🙂