My Current, Personal Pep-Talk

The song below was brought to my brain, courtesy of my dear friend, Mental Mama.  She shared it as a song that reminds her of her significant other, and, as she says,

And it actually depends on the day which of us is “singing” this to the other. 

I have literally played this song over 50 times in the past two days, usually on a continuous loop.  I’ve emailed it to my mom, I’ve told my dad about it, I’m humming it under my breath.  It’s there, it’s stuck.

MM and her significant other may “sing” this to each other, but I think it works for me to sing it to MYSELF.  Read the lyrics, listen to the song.  I am singing JUST THAT to myself.  I’m giving myself a constant pep talk.  I’m not giving up on me or who I am.

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?Well, I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, and who I am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up, still looking up.

Well, I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)
God knows I’m tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up


Clear as Mud

I have been wanting to post since Wednesday and have even started a couple times, only to become disgusted with myself for the drivel that was pouring out of my fingertips, ending up banishing those whiny, self-important posts to the drafts bin.  I must do that a lot, because my drafts bin is super-full.

For the past few days, I have been very foggy, somewhat irritable, and a bit on the anxious side.  I can’t seem to get my thoughts together and it seems like my brain is swimming in a thick mud that I can’t see or maneuver through, but the mud is also very loud, like television static, constantly.  I’m smoking more and I’m thirstier than usual.  I’m not sleeping well, waking up in regular one-hour intervals all night, no matter how early or late I get to bed.

I think most of the problems I am having are related to not getting enough quality, restful sleep; however, why am I not getting quality, restful sleep?  I’m really not sure.  I am taking all medications as prescribed, avoiding caffeine, keeping to an evening routine, and so on, ad nauseum.  I just can’t sleep well for some reason.

I had been kicking ass on so many levels up until a couple of days ago.  I got my house clean, was making homemade meals, baked a chocolate cake from scratch, had a productive therapy session.  I was feeling good.  Since late Tuesday, though, my brain has been mired in the muck.

My kitchen is trashed out again.  Ok, it’s not that bad, but I’ve been out of dishsoap since Wednesday morning and haven’t been able to dishes since, because I am apparently too lazy to get to the store and get some.  I did make another home-cooked meal last night, though, so maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit.

I thought hindsight was supposed to be 20/20.  I find that is not the case for me, as far as charting out my feelings, emotions, thoughts, symptoms, successes, failures, etc. goes.  When I started this post, I had in my head that the last three days of my life have been a complete fail.  If I pick it apart, however, I’m doing pretty well, considering I’m not feeling the greatest mentally.  I’m coping, I guess you could say.

My mom has always said that I am my worst critic.  God forbid I don’t do my dishes daily — I’m a lazy loser.  I mean, I have had some great accomplishments over the last week, dammit!  How is it possible to lose sight of that so quickly?  Just because I’m feeling poorly overall, doesn’t mean I’m doing a poor job at living life.  My brain can be clear as mud and I can still function, even over-function, it appears.

If I had any wish today, it would be that I could learn to not see myself as a failure in all things, no matter what.  That I could keep my eyes on the prize, instead of concluding everything is a disaster, based on a FEELING.

So, Rose, stop catastrophizing, stop over-generalizing.  It’s gonna be ok.  Even if your brain is full of mud and you’re not sleeping, does not mean your life is an epic fail.  Promise.


Little Miss Queen of Morning Pissiness

I did not have a good start to my day.  I was up every two hours last night, wide awake.  A few times, I know it was the dogs, but I was hypervigilant almost to any unusual sound.  This is the first time I have had a day like this since starting to take Seroquel at bedtime.  I am hoping it is a fluke.

I had full intentions of waking up early (which I did, at 7:30), bouncing out of bed (I did not), drinking my allotted two cups of coffee (I did not, we are out of creamer), and getting ready to clean.  Instead I woke up, yelled at the dogs for making so much noise, snapped at DSB about his use of TV all.night.long, and came and sat in my happy place.

I smoked a few cigarettes and realized that this just wasn’t going to cut it.  I went and put a full tank of gas in my car and went to Sonic and picked up a Route 44 Cranberry Limade (easy on the ice, if you will).  My day started to get a little better from here.

I talked to my Dad and vented about a few things.  He listened and suggested basically that I just deal with it, that this is “HOW IT IS.”  That wasn’t really the response I was hoping for, so I tried to talk to DSB for awhile.  Although he managed eight hours of solid sleep, he is grump and tired, not really in the mood for conversation.

I realized at that moment, that I am seeking validation through others.  I need to validate myself!  I walked around and looked at all the good progress I have made.  I checked my supplies and I think I have enough to finish the house, although I might be missing a couple of things.  I finished wiping down walls, cabinets, the fridge, etc in the kitchen.

I sat down for a few minutes to try and regroup.  I was almost back into the swing of things.  I am owing that all to my Route 44 Cranberry Limeade (easy on the ice, if you please).  I sat for a minute, smoked another cigarette, and then went back in, put away all the dishes I did yesterday, and washed everything else that was left.

Now, I’m back to sitting.  I am getting ready to gear myself up for another room because the kitchen is basically done.  The bathrooms are basically done, other than the floors.  I think I am moving on to the living room next, which shouldn’t be too bad.  I am going to take some plants outside, do some dusting, and leave the floors for later.  Then I’ll move into the office, if DSB ever vacates it.

It gets above 80 degrees, and there is no getting him out of the house.  I almost think it is a mental block with him, but he’s just gonna sit in his recliner and rot until there’s a cooler day, would be my guess.

This may be a bad thing to say, but I don’t want to end up like that.  I don’t want to always find reasons to escape my daily duties or even to live life.  I couldn’t do that.  Oh, I don’t feel good, oh, my back hurts, oh, I’m dizzy.  And then he tells me he is thinking about not going to his doctor’s appointment today.  How much in denial can you possibly be?

So, I’m gonna smoke one for the road, and then I’m gonna hit the living room.  I WILL complete this Re-Invention of myself and I WILL do it in a timely manner, even if it’s taken me two Klonopin to get here.