Do What Makes You Feel

Times have been tough lately.  I’ve been feeling really depressed here for the past while and have really not wanted to admit it.  Finally it got so bad that I had to admit it — to myself, to Dr. Love, my therapist, my med doc.  Of course, QoB already knew.

It seems like I haven’t been completing any projects lately.  I come home from work, go to QoB’s (unless it is one of the two days Dr. Love is home), eat dinner, bullshit, and go to bed.  My eating hasn’t been as bad, but it’s still leaving a lot to be desired.

I had therapy last week and the focus was to practice opposite-to-emotion.  It’s exactly what it sounds like — you feel like lying on the couch, but you get up and do the dishes.  You feel like never speaking again and you go to QoB’s house and talk talk talk.  Supposedly all that “doing” makes you feel better.  I know I have been working really hard at it, sometimes failing miserably.

Today started out really rough.  I felt really angry and irritable and annoyed.  No patience for anything, and definitely not any motivation to do any of the things I felt I needed to be doing.  I went to QoB’s under the guise of picking up some money, then called her on the way and said I needed some talking time too.

We talked about things, I unloaded her dishwasher, we went to the grocey store and got that task taken care of.  I felt better when I left, but still fairly crappy.  I have an overwhelming list of tasks I feel I should be doing at the house and I am never home.  It has been much more important lately to be around people than it has been to vacuum my stairs and basement, as little as I want to accept that I need so much attention.

After I left QoB’s today, I was determined to get a few things done.  I decided to do only the things that would make me feel satisfied, and damn everything else.

What I got accomplished today that feels good:

–  bought healthy food from the grocery store
– ate sushi
– spent time with my momma
– organized my tupperware drawer and pots/pans area
– put away a box of glass tupperware and bowls
– hid all three boxes of ammunition I found
– cleaned out my fridge
– cleaned out my microwave
– ran vinegar through my coffee pot
– loaded and ran the dishwasher
– cleaned all my kitchen counters off
– reorganized the freezer
– made dairy-free butterscotch pudding
– watered my indoor plants and tree
– filled pill case
– fed birds extra treats until I can get better food
– researched Asperger’s syndrome
– looked up the obituary of an ex-inmate that I helped who recently passed

I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel terrible.  What I do feel is that I’ve accomplished some things that needed doing.

Maybe I’ll vacuum tomorrow.  Maybe not.  Dr. Love and I have to meet his parents in the big city tomorrow to change cars and I am really hoping that isn’t an all-day process.  It would really be nice to spend time, just the two of us.

Phil Collins, Everyday