Crisis of Confidence

I hurt my back about a week and a half ago, and wasn’t able to do much other than watch TV or read for a good week of that time.  I’m feeling better now; not perfect, but better.  I only mention this, because it feels like, during that time I was down, my self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, whatever you want to call it, took a serious nose dive.

Everything is going as it should be in my life right now, or rather, as I want it to be.  DSB is starting to feel better and is working up in the shop again.  I’m liking my job, feel useful, have a pretty good time.  My house is all sorts of trashed out from being down a week, but it’s fixable.  Overall, I should be feeling pretty good.

But I’m not.  And that is the bitch that is bipolar disorder.  Screwy chemicals in my brain and past environmental influence telling me that life is not what it appears.  That there is no hope of having a better life, of being a better person.  That things will always be the way they are now and I will never move forward into a happier place.  That I’m a failure when it comes to keeping my house clean and taking care of daily responsibilities.

While my heart knows this not to be true, it’s still ringing in my ears.  And it’s convincing, not that I’ve ever needed a lot of  help to convince myself that everything about me is shit.  I am having a serious crisis in confidence.

To counter-act that crisis, I have been trying to put my DBT skills to use.  The main skill I have been using to build my confidence is called “building mastery.”  Building mastery is basically challenging yourself to learn and try new (and old) things that can help you in feeling better about yourself.

For example, something I do for “building mastery” is take on something in the kitchen that I have never tried before.  For others, it might be being direct with someone when it really matters or learning a new game/sport.  It can really be anything that you learn to do or that increases your skillset, making you feel better about yourself.

Building mastery has been improving things for me, but not at the rate I would like to see them improve.  I am still going to work, feeling good, doing well, and then coming home and feeling like life is hopeless.  My moods have been very up and down, I have no confidence in myself, and my approach to life at this point has become very passive.

That’s not me, I realize.  That’s not who I am.  That is a mood disorder speaking and I need to tell it to shut the hell up.  How many times can I tell it to shut up before it will listen?  I haven’t found out yet.

I think part of the issue is that we have been having very gloomy weather, and even when it has been nice, I have been inside.  I need to do more to be 0utside more.

I’m also having a bit of a crisis of confidence in blogging.  It seemed like I was doing really well there for a little bit, and now all I can come up with is stuff that I deem “unpublishable” and what I do publish, it seems like extremely few people read it.  The decrease in foot traffic on my stats page is somewhat alarming.  While I’m not doing this solely for other people to read what I write, I still DO want people to read it.

I need to find some prompts that I like, because it seems like I always do well with that, because no one wants to read the ramblings of someone who feels like shit and is bemoaning that fact in every paragraph.  The Daily Post has a Daily Prompt, but I often feel they don’t apply to me.

What I’m thinking of doing is joining “postaday” and posting every day for the rest of the year, or as close to that as I can maintain.  Is it okay to jump in mid-way through?  I don’t know, and I don’t really care.  I know that, when I was doing NaBloPoMo in November, posting every day, I had more to write about and felt more creative and productive.

On a day that I don’t post, I don’t feel very good about that.  I guess you could say that, for me, postaday would satisfy the “building mastery”  component of DBT, as well as the “building structure” component.  And probably some other components as well.

So there you have it, I’m going to do postaday (I think) and hope for better feelings about this blog and myself in general.

Any comment or suggestion for prompts or post inspiration is appreciated!