I came home today from a five-night stay at the (actually quite) cozy local mental health residential crisis center. I went in at the insistence of my med provider and stayed through the weekend after conferring with LarBear and family, and realizing that my behavior and thoughts really had become quite erratic and, most unfortunately, somewhat dangerous.
Let me first say that I am feeling much better. At this moment, I am having no suicidal thoughts and my depression is not strangling me. As tends to happen, I am quite literally bouncing out of this funk, and maybe soaring up a little too high.
I am trying very hard to make this a controlled leap through the air, rather like an artful trapeze artist instead of a chunky 34-year-old bouncing around on a backyard trampoline. I have pinpointed the stressors that led to the necessitation of the crisis center, and quite a bit of it revolves around putting too much into my daily routine, all at once, after having done nothing but sit on my (ever-expanding) arse for months. I went from 10% active each week to maybe 75%, and not having my downtime ramped up my symptoms.
I have figured out my schedule, and have been working at getting others on the same page with me. I am struggling with this peer specialist I have been assigned to, and was quite befuddled as to why she did not call back to check on me after I had left her a message last Thursday letting her know what had happened, and then also leaving her a message this morning to let her know I had been released and again asking for a return phone call. Radio silence. So, I will be going into a meeting with her tomorrow where I will be asking for several things, and then also telling her my opinion of some matters, which she is sure not to like.
At this point, I just want things to be straightened out and I am not going to let myself falter and fail, just to fit into another person’s schedule perfectly. We all have to make sacrifices, and it is actually her job to be flexible enough to “support” me. Excuse me while I tear my hair out and spit nails for a few minutes, I’ll BRB!
So yes, the irritability is still there, but not the same degree, and my baseline anxiety level is far too high, but hey, I have come a long way down the road in the last five days, and so I am going to give myself credit for that, and just keep my eyes on the prize. The prize being, I am going to take care of this conflict without conflict. Because it is possible and because I can (and, Oh! I will).
The following is my new pump-it-up song. DO take a moment and enjoy (unless you are trying to get into a chill zen state at this moment, in which case I wouldn’t recommend it).