Issues to Go Around

Early morning, so peaceful.  I like mornings, before all the drama of work, life, play starts.  I don’t have to worry about bosses, co-workers, difficult cases, or any other annoying thing for another two hours.  Ahhhhh.

As I may have mentioned before, work is becoming a real drag.  After trying not to bother my supervisor too much, she had the immediate reaction yesterday afternoon to try and track me down across the compound, because she didn’t know where I was.  Hmmm.  Either you want to supervise me or you don’t.  Make up your damn mind.  Did she really think I was slacking off, or did she just HAVE to know what I was doing at that very moment?  I think my boss has issues.  Maybe even some sort of personality disorder.  I know that a good friend of our family knows her and has always put it out there that she is a “crazy beeotch.”  Yes, I may be starting to realize that.

Aside from that little piece of work drama, my impossible cases are coming together, kind of like they always do.  Or maybe not always, maybe usually would be more accurate.  I tell inmates that things always work out, one way or another, and in general, this is true.  They might not leave the facility with the most ideal plan, but they WILL leave the facility, and there WILL be some sort of plan.  Even if it is effed.  Sometimes we can only do so much.  It seems like I re-learn that lesson every day.

I went to bed at 7:30pm last night.  It wasn’t that I was exhausted physically, I just couldn’t keep thinking about all of the BS that was yesterday.  Yesterday made my stomach upset and the two beers I had at QoB’s while waiting for Big Dog to tell me that I am fucking up did not settle well.  It is really difficult when someone assumes that, if your supervisor is annoyed with you, it is because you have been sick to work a lot lately.  Yes, I have been sick a lot lately.  Here I am, though, still sick and going to work.  I really don’t want to end up in the hospital and I have just been following doctor’s orders, for the most part.  When you can’t breathe, it makes it difficult to work.  I don’t think I would ever want to be supervised by Big Dog.  He’s a hardass, expecting the rest of the world to be able to never miss a day of work like he does.  I gave up on being perfect some time back, thanks.

As I said last night, I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.  I was looking for reassurance and ideas, and that didn’t come.  I do thank Adriana for her kind words about being a supervisor and what supervisors would like to see.  Constructive criticism there.  Always appreciated.

I have been talking a lot lately about all of the “aha” moments that have come my way as of late.  I can think of one more thing that my thirties has brought me.  My parents are not infallible people.  They make mistakes, they have flaws, they struggle with certain things.  It is not all about me.  I repeat, it is not all about me.  They are people too, with complex and varied life experiences.  They are who they are, and I shouldn’t put so much stock into every little word that is said.  They are people, after all, and people sometimes say things that you should take with a grain of salt.  Apparently that applies to parents as well.  This is not to say that I don’t take in what they say, and I’m not very good about taking what they say with a grain of salt, but it is something I want to learn.

And bringing it back to me, because this blog is, after all, about me…I have issues, too.  I have flaws and imperfections and I say things I don’t mean.  I think that makes me human.  I have spent all of these years trying to be perfect, only to realize that this is not possible.  I have to be who I am, based upon my background and life experiences.  I can only do my best and hope that the rest of the world can learn to roll with it.  I still struggle with wanting to be perfect, but it seems that I have come to accept and recognize my downfalls, my “issues,” if  you will.  Self-acceptance, radical acceptance.  It all goes hand in hand.

Queen, Love of My Life

The Will to Carry On

I sure am up bright and early today.  I think that’s what happens when you go to bed at 9:15 p.m.  I am on “Plan A” of QoB’s model for healthy living.  “Plan A” consists of taking medication as prescribed, AKA taking meds twice a day instead of once.  It has really made a difference, it seems.  I am less agitated in the evening and more pleasant to be around (at least I think so).

I have also started taking Cymbalta again and it is amazing how wonderful I feel.  Back to where I was before I decided to go off it, really.  Apparently the withdrawal effects from going off Cymbalta suddenly include depression and irritability.  Hah!  Who would’ve known?  I was obviously not in my right mind when I went off it in the first place or I would have Googled everything.

Dr. Love’s parents were in town yesterday and I was able to spend a few hours in the evening with them.  We get along pretty well and it is always nice to see them.  They brought Matt’s nephew with them and he is getting SO big and is starting to say really funny things.  I think is he around 4 years old.  What a crack-up and what an age for repeating what he hears.  We went out for Chinese and he kept talking about the “damn Mexicans” and how we should “ship ’em home.”  Apparently he has been overhearing some rather racist conversations somewhere.

While at the restaurant, I ran into a co-worker from when I worked at the community mental health center.  It was really nice to see her and I think we are going to have lunch to catch up.  She has become a supervisor and I can totally see her in that role, kicking butt and taking names.  I told her I am loving corrections and that I had always thought I was not nice enough to work in straight-out mental health.  She says, “Hah!  Do ya think?!?”  I can remember giving people “pep talks” and co-workers coming out of their offices to see who is giving the “nice litle old lady” (aka, the 60 year old meth-head) a hard time.  Oh those were the days!

I have been cheating a little bit on my Paleo diet and have really been experiencing some serious gastrointestinal problems as a result.  Why do I do this to myself when I know it will make me sick?!?!?  Oh wait, it might be that eating disorder kicking in, as QoB reminded me.  I do tend to forget about it.  It’s just normal to me.  I don’t think about how other people eat and just assume that what I am doing is what anyone else would do.  Well, apparently it’s not.

So, to counteract urges to go to Casey’s and buy chips and cheese, I have cooked myself some good things for lunch today — edamame, zuccini stir fry with brown rice, grapes, apple with PB.  Should be a much better day for my stomach.  I also gave Dr. Love my debit card to hold onto.  My lack of self-control never fails to amaze me.

My car has been in the shop this week and it will finally be done today.  I’m pretty excited, as I have been driving Gav’s mini-van and it is very different from driving my car.  Definitely not as cool, but it has been great to have something to drive while my car has been out of commission.  It is hard to live in Topeka without a car and depend on the kindness of others to sneak you out of the facility for a smoke break!

Keep on keepin’ on.

Queen, The Show Must Go On