When the Mind is Full

Image result for busy mind

via Addicted to Success

When you have made the calls

And sent the messages, the texts, the emails

That you feel are only the truly fair ones to send

And you still end up alone in your full mind

With it buzzing away and you not being able to reign it in

You turn to your list of “coping skills”

There is a brief moment where you feel hope

But in your gut, decidedly, you can sense the pointlessness

It is in this position that you find yourself, once again

Full of words, with no one to spill them to

In a situation where you would feel it is fair

To release all of the blackness into another’s ear

And so you sit with the feelings

Because wise ones told you if you rolled with the emotion

Rolling like a wave

That it would go away.

With time, apparently, though who knows how much.

Another Day, Another Monkey Wrench, Solutions Welcome! (gibberish and rambling are included!)


I am not sure why I can’t seem to remember that I am absolutely powerless to control pretty much anything, especially the whim and will of other people or the weird Kansas weather or (to a degree) how my body will react (generally dramatically, whichever the direction) to a big medication adjustment or how my frizzy-ish hair is going to handle the day’s vacillation in humidity.

Here we are, another week has gone by, there have been ups and downs, but I am surviving, and am in fact surviving in somewhat decent humor.  A bit over a week ago, things were getting a bit too roller-coasterish with my mood, and my Seroquel was increased (for the second time this month) and I really thought that was not going to affect things (overall), too much.  I was, of course, terribly wrong and while it has given me moments of extreme grogginess, the really irritating thing is that I am just extremely hungry at all times, no matter what I have just eaten or what else I have done that day.  In addition, the sugar/carb cravings are back and I really do put a lot of that on the Seroquel.

Some of it is me, though — me not handling anxiety well, me not handing “change” well, me just reverting to slacker (eating) ways.  The other problem the past week or so has been that I have not been able to do my normal exercise routine, partly because of bad knees, but mostly because of serious toe infection (both big toes) and extreme ingrown toenails.  My primary care, thankfully, decided that now was the time to pull both toenails.  They  have actually been giving me trouble for years, so in a sense, I am happy to start over with a fresh nail bed, but it was quite painful and remains a bit more than slightly painful, the dressings are not easy to change, and I have had to back off of my daily trips to the pool to do aqua aerobics.

I am on Day One of no exercise, and one would think I would be faring better, especially considering years and years of slackerdom and the past year in which I barely moved from the couch.  No lie, however, I am going quite stir crazy and have been bouncing from project to project to project.  Nothing is satisfying the itchiness inside my brain, and to keep that itchiness company, my stomach is constantly complaining that it be filled.  It is a miracle that I am not hugely over-eating my plan calories allotment, but the desire is definitely there.

I am going to have to figure out some more creative ways of telling my cycling brain to shush, of telling my growling tummy that it is not in fact starving, of settling the  feeling in my legs of wanting to bounce around, and so forth.  I am employing all of the usual remedies, like chair exercises, doing new crafts, working on special projects for others, reading, talking Kizzie and Lucy’s ears off, browsing the internet, trying to organize different spaces.  I think I need something totally different, and I have thought about it all day and decided that maybe YOU have the suggestion that I am needing.

So please, do tell, what amuses you when you feel similarly?  I am pretty open to suggestions, provided it includes nothing illegal, smoking cigarettes, or imbibing in any kind of mood-altering substance.  Let’s hear it!

Morning Should Do a Meet-Up with Afternoon

As I posted last night, midday, afternoon, and evening are the worst.  I am actually fairly good-to-go in the mornings.  I woke up this particular morning at 10:30am, which is quite late for me, so I’m a bit disappointed that I am going to miss out on my easiest part of the day.  I am so buoyant, however, right now, that I am hopeful that morning will merge into afternoon and I won’t notice.  That is possible, right?

So many thanks for lovely followers (I don’t like the term, how about friends?) sending good juju my way last night.  I had a good night’s sleep and awoke, feeling pretty darn good.  Tinge of mania, perhaps, so it is possible that I am experiencing a mixed episode.  It would explain the overpowering anxiety and irritibility that I have been throwing around.  Not sure, though, but a thought.

Mixed states can really be the most difficult.  Because, it’s like having all the energy in the world, but it’s negative.  So you’re pissed, irritable, annoyed, sad, grumpy, and emotions are swinging to and ‘fro.  I really do think it might be the worst stage of bipolar, especially for those around you.  No one likes you in a mixed state, and it can’t really be blamed on anything but the behavior.

Moving on to sunnier thoughts, I do have my sunlamp on.  Even though it is sunny outside.  I am  hoping it’s super-powers will change me back into the human that I know I can be.  I also have a boatload of  housework to do, so I need the energy it gives me.  Sleeping late really ruined my routine and I’ve yet to see DSB for longer than five minutes today.

DSB’s surgeon told him on Thursday that he could lift up to 40-50 pounds.  What does that mean to him?  It means he should go wrestle with the radiator on  his truck, of course.  And then perhaps do some welding.  Sigh.  I am almost positive that a truck radiator weighs more than 40-50 pounds, and I should note that when he breezed by a little bit ago, he looks worse for wear and said he is not sure it is a good idea that he start “doing things” again.  Sigh again.  This is DSB’s third surgery within a year, and it’s just getting old.  Mostly for him, but for me, too.

I don’t know if that’s really fair to him, to say his injuries and not feeling good and constant pain are a pain in the ass for me as well.  But it’s so true.  He can’t ever do anything, he’s not much help with things that are generally his territory (feeding and watering dogs, taking trash to the road, snow removal, mowing, etc).  I asked him to brown some hamburger because I was going to be late getting home, and he wasn’t able to do that.  So he had cottage cheese and a small salad for dinner, and I just had a small salad.  Talk about being hungry in the morning.  We are meat eaters!

Speaking of meat eaters, DSB is convinced that the reason he is healing so quickly is because he eats a lot of protein and drinks a lot of milk.  We do have meat/protein at every meal, and that is the main course.  I’d like to have soup a few times a week, but he won’t have it.  It’s meat, meat, meat.  I’ve thought about just making soup for myself, but I’m not sure I could make  a small enough amount that it wouldn’t go bad.  That, and he’d eat it if it were around.  Cooking two meals, and then having him eat both.  Don’t think so.

Well this has been full of randomness and my thoughts are racing and all over the place, so I’ll end for now.  Maybe a blog this evening about how the day ended up, with these feelings of zingy-ness this morning.

Hey Rose…You’re Not Actually Dying Right Now

This is how my anxiety starts.  First, my legs feel a little wobbly in the hip joint.  It quickly moves on to leave me with a feeling of dead weight in my stomach and then a tightness in my chest.  And then my throat closes up and I can’t breathe.  These are all just bodily sensations related to anxiety, and I constantly have to remind myself:  Rose, you’re not dying!

Sure feels like I am though.  I think most anyone with anxiety problems can relate.  And also to the fact that, sometimes, that shit comes out of nowhere.  I mean NOWHERE.  Sometimes I can talk myself through it, sometimes I can seek comfort with DSB or my mom, but a lot of times, I just have to take a PRN Klonopin.

I used to be better at working through my anxiety or panic attacks or whatever you want to label it.  Seems like now, though, the only thing that works is the Klonopin.  Now, mind you, I’m not doing this every day, several times a day.  It probably happens two or three, sometimes four times a week.  But that still seems like a lot.  It hasn’t always been so bad.

The flashbacks, the nightmares, the negative tape in my head, the images that flash through my mind.  They are more severe now than they have ever been and I can’t exactly pinpoint why, although I think it may be that I have stopped working on those things, stopped working on suffering through them, stopped working on the in therapy.

Therapy is a joke with my current therapist.  I leave from a session, not even knowing what we talked about, because it is mostly her talking and me half-listening, and not trusting her enough to actually talk about and work on the things that are bothering me the most.

It is crazy for me to stay in therapy with her, but I have talked with my support system and they say (and  I agree) that I still need therapy, at least to some degree, for now.  Maybe I need something other than DBT therapy, maybe I just need a different DBT therapist.  I know I will not go to group, and I am firm on that.  It doesn’t help me and I don’t like it.  If that means I can’t have a DBT therapist, I am fine with that.

I have been somewhat proactive today, in that I called and left a message for Goddess of Mindfulness to contact me so that I can talk with her about the issue, maybe she can make a recommendation.  I also called a few agencies here in town and found no one that is accepting new Medicaid clients.  I will hold off on making any more calls until I speak with Goddess of Mindfulness, and am hopeful she will have a suggestion or strategy.

I am trying to do something about this before my next therapy appointment on the 9th (next Friday, one week from today).  I really don’t want to go see her and have to fake my way through another session.  I suppose I could be brutally honest and just tell her like it is, but I don’t want to be kicked out of the center and I could really use some advice first.  It is clear to me (and my support system) that I need therapy, and it is clear, to me at the very least, that my current therapist is not cutting it.  I am hopeful that something will change soon.

I’m not a religious person, so I won’t ask you to pray, but light a candle or send good thoughts my way.  I could really use them right now.