Late Night Musings with Rosa 12.20

Perhaps my favorite video of Tom Petty singing my favorite acoustic version of “Walls.”  This has been a weekend so far, of thinking.  Good things have happened, bad things have happened, and I need time to reflect.

Right now I am taking things in, because I notice that I have not been noticing life around me as I should.  I have not been being mindful and I have not been introspective.  I have been selfish with my needs and wants, yet overly helpful to those around me — often reaching out further than I really should, and perhaps what they needed me to.

This little thing called life that is going on right now, this piece of the puzzle, this particular scratch in the record — it will pass.  It must.  It must.  It must.  What lies over the horizon I can’t even begin to predict, and I know that is part of what is killing me bit by bit.  I am a planner and an organizer and I want to know what is going to happen when and with who and (sometimes) the why or how of it.

All of this uncertainty, from things as small (ha!) as what do for Christmas as to if I will still miss DSB and not want to get my heart broken again in the new year to what my nephew will be like as he grows from a baby into a toddler to if I will ever be able to lose the weight I want to lose.

And when?  And how?  And why?

It occurs to me now, as I sit typing this, how I have once again slipped into willfulness and am not letting mindfulness and patience and simple observation take me down the path I was meant to be on.  I am trying to control things that I have no control over, I am trying to change things that cannot or will not change, I am beating my head against a brick wall and wondering why I have a headache.

When I feel really bad, as I have for the last while (but not so much anymore), I tend to stop doing all of the things that make me feel better and that make me the Rosa that people like to be around.  I don’t particularly think that I am that Rosa right now to all people, but I know I am really enjoying my dad and my sister.

I fully admit that I can be hard to be around, that I can be too intense or too sad or anxious or too demanding.  Not everyone sees it that way, however; I can think of two people right off the top of my head that I intrinsically know don’t feel that way, that want my company.

But does that ever happen to you?  That important people in your life seem to want to take a break from you?  Does this mean that the love or friendship or whatever it is, is not there unconditionally?  Or does it mean that this is just people being human?  Or does it mean that you have overstepped your bounds somewhere, and this is all your fault?

I think the answers to all of this are:  “who knows” and “all you can do is improve yourself and change for the better.”  Goddess of Mindfulness has a funny idea about all of this, that she has been sharing with me since I was a teenager.  It is often the people that are messed up AND seeking help who are the most balanced, the most introspective, the most thoughtful, the most likely to change ill habits.

So here I am, “the crazy one” in a sea of “normal people” and I am by far acting the most sane.  That’s just how it is here in Topeka, Kansas.  App;arently I haven’t been drinking the water, because I don’t currently have the crazy.  But that doesn’t mean I am not actively every day seeking to improve and feel better and be more stable and independent.

The hardest thing for me to see is a person I care about suffering, who will not utilize the help that is available to them.  People have to really REALLY want to change in order to change almost every behavior or circumstance, and I am baffled when peop;le who are adamant with me that I seek help, won’t seek it themselves.  Because “that’s different.”  Well, no, it’s really not.

In closing, you do not need to be mentally ill to seek assistance and ask your friends/relations/neighbors/;pastor/anyone for help; in getting through what you need to get through.

I would like to remind that while this post is written as a general musing, it can easily be directed at many in my life.  I am purposely not calling anyone out on the rug, but I want people to think.

If you need help, ask for it.  It will almost always be given, in some form or another.  You do not have to suffer alone and in silence.

 

 

 

Open Letter to My Local Mental Health Center

Prepare for some rambling…

When I first sought your  help in 2009, I was worried I would not be accepted because I was considered out of your cachement area.  As it turned out, CMHC’s could not deny Medicaid clients based  upon cachement area.  This is a good thing, because in 2009 you allowed me to start your Intensive Outpatient Program in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  I attended five days a week, for three hour days.  I can honestly say that this formal introduction to DBT saved my life.

You brought wonderful therapists into my life, some whom I thank God each and every day for.  There are too many to mention just one, but each of the IOP therapists are very special to me.  They gave me hope when I had none and taught me the skills necessary to survive with bipolar in a unipolar world.  The IOP program was just the tip of the iceberg.

After graduating IOP, you wanted me to do weekly DBT classes.  I was working at that point again and had difficulty with coordinating my schedule.  I hopped around to a few different groups, and then I gave up.  I went back to seeing the pdoc at my county’s CMHC, and continued therapy with Goddess of Mindfulness.

For a few years, my needs were fulfilled at my local CMHC.  It wasn’t the same, though — the therapists were not as invested, it was difficult to get a med appointment where the pdoc didn’t continuously cancel.  It was a fight to get any medication change.  It was if I would just come in to get the rubber stamp and then would be sent off on my way.

In 2012, I had a major bipolar meltdown and came seeking help from you again.  I needed that Intensive Outpatient Program, I needed those caring therapists, and I needed the care that I knew my own local CMHC couldn’t provide.

I started IOP again, and stopped seeing Goddess of Mindfulness, instead seeing Marty for individual DBT therapy.  IOP was very different this time.  The classes were extremely small, participation was minimal, the therapists often didn’t keep the group under control.

The times had changed — there was no longer a ten minute break after every hour.  I don’t think the therapists realized how difficult it was to sit for 90 minutes without a cigarette or a soda or a break when you are in such a mind-addled state.

One thing for sure — IOP wasn’t the same.  It wasn’t as helpful, I didn’t feel as successful, there was not much group interaction or cohesiveness, and frankly, most of the therapists seemed bored, as if they lacked passion for the subject now.

I moved quickly through IOP this course and started just seeing Marty individually.  She was a very different therapist than what I was used to.  She called it like she saw it, and the way she saw it was often very different from my view of things.  After about a year of seeing each other, she announced to me that she would be retiring the following summer.  After that, her heart wasn’t in it.  She certainly didn’t seem to care anymore, and it was like she had given up on me.

I decided to switch tactics and go for a non-DBT therapist there at the center.  That was worse.  She seemed cold and unfeeling, judgmental even as I would describe what was happening in my life.  I started to avoid appointments, and go for long periods of time without checking in.

During a time of mini-crisis, I attended a “Building Structure” group in which you basically made plans for each day and the day after.  It was a very useful group for me and I went for three weeks, then graduated.

I ended up going back to see Goddess of Mindfulness after that.  I couldn’t afford it financially in my budget, so I had to take $15 out of each weekly allotment and put it toward therapy.  In my eyes, it was a good use of money that I may have just frittered away elsewhere.  It still didn’t add up to what Goddess of Mindfulness should really be paid, but I was beyond thrilled when she accepted my request to be her client again.  Over the moon, really.

And since my 2012 return to the CMHC, there has been Dr. Wizard.  I kid you not, the man is a genius when it comes to medication.  He listens, makes small adjustments, is encouraging, worries that I am on too much medication, and, here recently, hospitalized me when it seemed to him like I was under too much duress.

I have never had a problem getting in to see my pdoc, and I thank the wonderful front desk staff for that.  Sure, calling the nursing line works sometimes, too, but the front desk staff are better at prioritizing clients and slipping people into time slots quickly.

When I came out of the hospital on Monday, I was in a daze.  I knew they had started me on a downturn of Geodon and had started me on Abilify, but I wasn’t given any titration recommendations.  I was just told to follow up with my pdoc at my next scheduled appointment on July 9th.  That was three weeks away.  I was feeling a bit better, but as a couple days went by, it was clear I needed more  support, possibly more medication.

On Wednesday, Goddess of Mindfulness had me call the CMHC to try and get an appointment.  I called the nurse’s line first, and left a message.  They called me back thirty minutes later and tried to tell me that there were no openings and I would have to “sit tight and wait” until the 9th.  The woman I spoke to barely spoke English and I actually ended up screaming into the phone, “I hope I don’t flip out before then!” and hanging up on her.  I know, real classy, Rose.  I’m out of my mind, I guess.

I then tried calling the front desk and asked to be put on the cancellation list.  I explained my situation and I was put as an “emergency priority I.”  I told them I only needed one hour’s notice and I could be there.  The front desk girl assured me I should be able to get in soon.

Much to my surprise, I received a call at 9:15 the next morning, asking if I could be there by 10:30.  Of course I can!  I made it down and Dr. Douglas kept the Geodon the same, but bumped up the Abilify.  He said, if all goes well, we can do it again at my next appointment on July 9th.  He was very understanding and caring, and we had a nice chat.

All in all, this is a good CMHC.  I think the DBT therapy program has possibly fallen by the wayside a bit, and I can tell you that the individual therapists like my last one should be fired, but what I really need is my pdoc and Goddess of Mindfulness, and I know I will be fine.