Scream Along With Me if You Want

Yesterday,  hoped that today would be much much better.  Unfortunately, I was up all night and then sick all day, barely able to get out of bed.  So much for my thoughts on getting some massive cleaning done.  Very most basic things taken care of — shower, feed Kizzie, drink something.  Other than that, nada.  So I thought I would post because, even though here at 6:34P, I feel better, I don’t feel better to the point where I can start sweeping and vacuuming and throwing laundry around.

As I sit here blogging, I find myself browsing YouTube.  It’s something my mom really likes to do and she always finds the most interesting, upbeat songs.  All I find are 80’s songs.  Because that’s what YouTube recommends for me.  Sad and peppy and good memory and bad memory 80’s songs.  Mr. Big anyone?

Mom was kind enough to bring me some ginger ale and I am smart enough to not drink the entire 2-L in one setting.  Because I am tempted, but I am done with getting sick.  I’d really like to sleep all night through, but I don’t know how likely that is, considering I was laying in bed all day.  I plan on just doing some reading later, so hopefully my brain won’t be hopped up on whatever it is that comes out of electronics that is so bad for  you.

Not smoking today was a small miracle.  I was idle, sick, and nothing sounded better than a cigarette, although on the other hand, when I really did think about it, my stomach lurched around inside my body.  How can I want something so badly and be so repulsed by it at the same time?  It makes no sense to me.

Over this latest funk, I have not been commenting and liking and reading as much, but trust that I still pop over and see what you’re up to.  Sometimes I just don’t have it in me to leave a decent comment, so there’s only a like.  One of these days, I’ll get back to my normal self and things will go on as usual.  I can’t help wondering waiting wishing dreaming and screaming about when that might be.  Scream along with me if you want.

Building Rome, Revisited

It has been since my birthday on August 11th since I have participated in Building Rome (which is brought to us by Green Embers, and you can get started here).  Building Rome focuses on small goals that lead to big goals, and I must admit, I have been lacking in the goal department here lately.  Sure, there are things to do, but they all seem so big and insurmountable.  I thought it might do me some good to spell things out every week again, in a relaxed and simple manner.

I won’t be reporting on the last week’s goals, because I am looking for a clean start.  They were too complex, too big, too whatever.  Instead, I’m going to review my top “Do or Die” goals and then end with new goals.

Rosa’s Do or Die Goals:

1) Take care of all  Kizzie’s needs, including play with Kizzie every day for at least 30 minutes.   I am failing horribly at this one, especially at the playing with Kizzie card.  That, and she went one 12-hour period without food, because I just didn’t notice.  Story of my life at this point.

2) Hygiene/Self-Care.  I am struggling with this.  Instead of showering every day, I am showering when I know I really need to.  I am, however, keeping my hair clean on a daily basis.  I have some very rough patches on my feet that really should be taken care of, and I am not using lotion like I should, and that really drags me down.  I do need to take better care of my body — its almost like I feel I don’t deserve it.

3) Take all medications as prescribed.  To a “T.”

 4) Eat healthfully.  Some days are better than others, but mostly, I just suck.

Rosa’s Goals Week of 9/1/2014

1) Keep taking Wellbutrin in attempt to quit smoking September 13th.  Continue cutting back and doing what I can to minimize the fallout when I actually do quit.

2) Get back to reading again.  Even if it is just 15/min per day, that would be better than nothing.

3) Do one nice self-care thing for myself every day, no matter how much I think I don’t deserve it.

4) Blog more regularly.  I have been blogging about once a week and really do miss it.  I need to stop flailing and start doing.

Ten Things of Thankful

As I start this post, I have my fingers crossed that it will go as well as the one I did two weeks ago.  I had a record-high comment count for that day!  I think I’m getting the hang of photos and I’ve got all sorts of things to be grateful for, so let’s begin!

1) As mentioned above, I was blown away last time by all of the TToT team members comments. The bloggers who sponsor this link-up are amazing, and, when I did this two weeks ago, made me feel more welcomed in their space than I ever thought possible in a link-up.  That being said, they make an obvious choice to lead off Ten Things of Thankful.  I am thankful I found the linkup and I am thankful for the TToT team’s big welcome.

via Mohit Mago

via Mohit Mago

 

2)  Feeling a whole lot of thankful for our main employee (like, other than those in the fam) and my dad for saving my cookies on a big order today.  My back is feeling better, but I’m not up to hand-selecting 40 extra-large goldfish and dishing up 12 dozen minnows.  They must have sensed my panic when the guy placed his order, standing by the bait tanks.  I was able to pass the task off to them easily and go do what’s more my thing — bullshitting and ringing up happy customers.  😀

No, not that kind of goldfish.  Don't I wish!  As a sidenote, these are special goldfish crackers, that the blogger where this photo originated made into a recipe he calls pirhanna goldfish.  Go check them out, they look amazing!   (via http://thatdarneddad.com

No, not that kind of goldfish. Don’t I wish! As a side note, these are special recipe goldfish crackers, called piranha goldfish. Go check them out at That Darned Dad; the recipe looks delish and oh-so-easy!

 

3) Last TToT, I gave thanks for the ever useful, much needed hair tie.  Well, now I have to say I am ever so grateful for my hairbrush.  A lot like hair ties, when one loses their hairbrush, bad things can happen.  Try sleeping on wet-from-the-shower hair without brushing it first.  Good thing I had a hair tie (and a found hairbrush) the next morning!  Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

It was actually a little worse than this.  Picture hair about that big, but much more curly and frizzy. The originators of this picture actually have some good tips on how to repair frizziness.  Check them out here!

It was actually a little worse than this. Picture hair about that big, but much more curly and frizzy.
The originators of this picture actually have some good tips on how to repair frizziness. Check them out here!

 

4) My mom’s BFF, Glo.  She is an amazing woman, known best for her authentic Mexican cooking and looking perfectly dressed and accessorized for every occasion.  I’m actually not sure if I’ve ever seen her without earrings or at least some form of makeup on.  Glo has been taking me to church with her and helping me on my journey to perhaps become Catholic.  Glo is about the sweetest woman I’ve ever known.  She would do (and does) do anything for anyone.  I feel very blessed to have her in my life.  She is my mom’s best friend, and my good friend by proxy.

See more of these here

See more of these here

 

5) I am thankful that my friend and fellow blogger, Marilyn Armstrong, made it through serious cardiac surgery without much of a hitch and is now resting at home.  She can now hang out with her beloved dogs and amazing husband Garry Armstrong.  Marilyn has been a good bloggie friend to me now for months, commenting on my posts and exchanging emails.  She is one of the wisest women I know and I cherish our friendship.  In addition to friendship, her book, 12-Foot Teepee, sparked the desire to start getting in better touch with my God.  I am very thankful for Marilyn and am excited to see the day when we can email and chitchat back and forth again.

6) On a related note, I am very thankful that my friend has her husband, Garry Armstrong, to rely on while she is resting.  He was so very faithful to her blog while she was in the hospital, giving daily update posts.  Garry was a world-renowned TV news reporter back in his heyday, and you could see it come through in his posts.  He, of course, had to put aside his fears and worries as a  husband for a bit, and let all of Marilyn’s bloggie friends (and there are many) know how she was.  He is actually still making the posts and I know that Marilyn is leaning on him in her recovery.  He’s just an all-around good guy, as far as I can tell, and I enjoy the conversations I have with him as well.

7)  I am thankful for my parents’ dog, Miss Kitty, for putting Rascal’s fur shedding into perspective.  The only difference is that Miss Kitty lives outside, and Rascal is very much an inside pup.  While I still haven’t (and may never) get over the incessant shedding and continuous sweeping and vacuuming, I can take it as it comes and realize, as with most things, it could be worse.

I unfortunately don't have a picture of Rascal, but this one looks a lot like him.  He is a Lab/Pitt/Spaniel mix.  He sheds like a mother.

I unfortunately don’t have a picture of Rascal, but this one looks a lot like him. He is a Lab/Pitt/Spaniel mix. He sheds like a mother.

 

8) I am thankful for my mom loaning me her digital camera, after DSB broke mine.  I need to test it out, get it going, get used to it.  I was shocked to find I have no pictures of Rascal, and no current pictures of Kizzie.  This just will not do, because they will probably be gracing my TToT more than once.  Supposedly it’s just a point-and-shoot camera, and any idiot can use it.  We’ll see — I’ve never had much luck before.

This is just about exactly the camera I'll be working with.  Suggestions and tips and advice are welcome in the comments section or by email!

This is just about exactly the camera I’ll be working with. Suggestions and tips and advice are welcome in the comments section or by email!

 

9) I am thankful for DSB.  I am always thankful for DSB, actually, but I don’t always mention it.  When I hurt my back, he took one for the team several times and helped me out around the house.  He really isn’t doing very well medically, so that made it all the more special that he directed what little stamina or energy he does have into helping me.  We celebrated our two year anniversary on March 27th, and actually celebrated-celebrated last week, when we had a little extra money.  I bought him a filet knife, knife sharpener, and fishing license and made him banana pudding.  He didn’t buy a present, but gifts aren’t all material things.  He showed me, in his own way, how much he loves me.  I hope this is a love that is meant to last forever, I really do.  Sometimes I have doubts, but then we spend five hours together just talking and bullshitting and joking around, and those five hours feel like five minutes, and I think — how could this  NOT be the love of my life?

 

love-inspirational-daily

 

 

10) I am thankful to many blog friends out there, too many to name.  You consistently read and comment, you email, we chat back and forth in the comments section.  You know who you are and I want you to know that you mean the world to me.  I’ve never had friends before like I have friends now, and I never want to go back.  All of the connections I have made, the wonderful and witty and new and inspiring writing and thoughts I have been made privy to, the sense of community.  Love.  Love.  Love.

Every Day the Same

Low, low moments in time for Rosa.  It boggles my mind that I can have such great support and still feel such a wreck.  It boggles my mind that I can feel such a wreck and not let it show.  Sometimes I almost convince myself I feel fine, when I am in the heat of the moment, caught up in things.  It is when I am alone, when the lights are off and the sun has set, that the depression wriggles it’s way back into my brain.

I thought about blogging in the morning, because maybe then I could get a sense of how I feel fresh and new and ok, if just for that little bit.  DSB and I have our coffee, and I am ok.  My house is not a disaster and I don’t have laundry piled up and I have great plans for the day.  I’m gonna ___ and ___ and ___.  And then when I’m done, I’m g0nna write the blog post that will save the world in the most amazing way.

It’s laughable, really, how wide of a spectrum my mood travels during the course of a day.  Happy mornings, irritable mid-days, anxious afternoons, sometimes an easy evening, and then darkness, in the darkness.  It’s actually quite exhausting, and, come to think of it, am probably not getting enough sleep.

I have been staying up reading, addictively, on my new Paperwhite (sorry, I have probably only mentioned it 503 times since Christmas).  It is not holding a charge very well, but I think that  might be because I am using it far more than the 30 minutes a day it mentions when it mentions a “several week” battery charge.  I also leave the Wi-Fi on so I can download books at a moments notice and get updates.  That slows it down, too.  Moving on, no more Kindle drivel.

I know I haven’t mentioned it lately, but I am still not smoking.  I have some incredible stats to brag about:

One month, two weeks, two days, 12 hours, 0 minutes and 54 seconds. 2790 cigarettes not smoked, saving $354.33. Life saved: 1 week, 2 days, 16 hours, 30 minutes.

Yep, I’d say that’s pretty good.  Still with a few slip-ups, mostly one puff that leads to gagging and coughing and saying, “What the FUCK was I thinking?!?”  But I’m not gonna lie.  I miss smoking.  I miss the way it used to make me feel, the way I could hold it in my hand, the way it was a shared habit between me and people I care about.  And now I’m on the outside.  It’s actually pretty hard, more-so over the last several days.

Ok, now I’ve gotten off course.  Or maybe I haven’t.  This blog can be like my mood…up and down and all around.  I think I probably lost people after the first little bit and then they scan through the rest looking for something interesting.  Or, that could be my in-the-hole self-esteem talking.  I don’t know and at this very moment in time, I’m gonna go crawl into bed with my not-fully-charged Kindle and read.  And read and read and read, until it’s not so scary to go to sleep.

Good night and light me a candle when you get a minute.

 

Less Pressure, But Still Obsessed

Wellpers, as  you all know, NaBloPoMo is over.  When I first started, I kinda thought, after the dust had cleared, that I’d take a long blogging break.  What I didn’t realize is how ADDICTIVE writing and reading other posts and making new bloggie friends would be.  Putting my thoughts on paper every day gives me a great way to track how I’m doing and to see where I need to modify my behavior, for better or worse, to come out smellin’ like roses.

Thanksgiving week was pure hell (and it’s not over, because I don’t count Sunday as the first day of the week), and I think most of that had to do with DSB’s refusal (up to the bitter end) of Thanksgiving festivities, and the fact that I had just quit smoking.  And I have learned a lot about both of those things here within the past week.

What I have learned about DSB’s refusal of Thanksgiving is that he genuinely doesn’t like attending.  He doesn’t like all the people and he doesn’t like the family dynamic.  Even my fairly “normal” family (as in, we generally get along) bothered him, although it is altogether possible that some people were being bigger assholes than usual.  It’s the hormones, the lack of nicotine, the protectiveness…it’s all of that and it’s ugly when you throw it in the mixing bowl and stir.

I’m not sure if DSB will “do” Christmas yet or not.  I hope he does, because it means a lot to me, and selfishly so, I hope he would just sacrifice and go anyway.  Good gawd that sounds terrible, but it’s what I wish for and no one said what I wish for had to be nice.  What I truly wish is that DSB could get caught up in the beauty of the season and forget all that little petty BS.

Now let’s take the quitting smoking.  It has been rough and bumpy, but is overall going quite well.  Yes, I have slipped a few times and had a cigarette, so my quit hasn’t been perfect, but I still think that’s pretty good.  I’ve gone from smoking three packs a day down to maybe 1.25 cigarettes a day, and some days none.  I think I have to give myself props for that even though there are a lot of naysayers out there.

And to them, I really just want to say, “Eff you.”  Because seriously, you have no idea how  hard this is.  You have no idea what I am going through right now and I hope you never have to wean yourself off what is perhaps the most powerfully addictive substance on the planet.  Studies indicate nicotine is more powerful than heroin, crack, and meth.  And how many people succeed in getting off those things?  Not tons, folks.

So, what I ask of those people, is to cut me a little slack.  Be extra kind to me.  Go out of your way to avoid me if you can’t say something nice and encouraging.  Even the most well-meaning people can be complete dicks when it comes to something like this.  Don’t tell me I’m not doing this right when you can’t even manage to quit your Oreo cookie habit.  Don’t tell me I’m not doing this right when you can’t even manage to go a day without drinking.  And don’t tell me I’m not doing this right if you haven’t done it before.

Well, now that I’m all wound up, I think I’ll go throw some dishes around and hope they shatter on the floor.  Now THAT would be good stress relief (if only DSB would clean up the mess).  😀

Too Much

One of the columns I fill in on my DBT diary card deals with avoidance.  It’s ranked on a scale of 1-5, one being low, five being high.  I generally sit around a two.  It could be a ten today for all I know.

Last night did not go as planned.  I got off work and bought a fabulous Papa Murphy’s “take-and-bake” pizza, which is a real treat for us.  I also stopped and bought a gallon of milk for DSB, because he can’t seem to live without it, no matter how little money we have or patience/time/understanding I have.

When I arrived home, I was greeted by chaos.  The trashcan was literally overflowing and there was a large brown paper sack stuffed full sitting on a chair beside it.  And the kitchen was a disaster.  I know for a fact that DSB did nothing but hang out all day yesterday.  How hard is it to take out the trash, especially when it gets to such disgusting heights?

There is such a crushing sense of disappointment when I get home from working or being productive, while DSB has done nothing, and enter a scene of chaos.  It wouldn’t take 20 minutes to clean up the kitchen and not 30 seconds to take out the trash.  It makes me feel like I am the maid, or really, like I am the bitch.  So, I cleaned up the trash and then went to sit because QoB was over.

We had QoB over and she and DSB chatted and carried on over Busch Lite and I sat fairly quietly with my lemonade.  Every time I tried to say something, it seems that I was interrupted.  It got to the point where I stopped trying.  I have no social skills, it is obvious, and I’m not into getting in between two people when they’re getting their drink on.  Good Lord, how I do not miss getting my drink on.  Amen.

After QoB left, it was already pretty late (for us) to start dinner, but DSB wanted me to wait because he had a welding job coming by.  Well, that guy didn’t come and he didn’t come, so I started the pizza at 7:30pm.  Just as we sat down to eat, the guy showed up.

DSB was outside with him for an hour.  An hour.  An hour.  Fucking an hour.  And when he came in, he was pissed.  So we watched a movie in silence and then I went and read in bed for an hour.  Took my meds late.  Took my sleeping pills late.  I don’t know what time I finally fell asleep last night, but it was well after midnight.

When I woke up this morning, DSB was outside.  I went back to bed.  When I woke up again, he was doing something on the Internet.  I just wanted to go back to sleep, so I did.  I wanted to avoid the interaction, avoid looking at my shitty dirty filthy disgusting house, avoid being alive.  I woke up around noon and talked to DSB for a little while, told him I didn’t feel like myself, and went back to bed.

I woke up the last time around 2:30.  DSB was getting ready to meet up with my parents and check on the boat out at the lake.  I didn’t want to go.  I texted QoB and told her I wasn’t coming over at this point, and that if she wanted to go to the lake, she should.

I have been sitting in my dining room, my favorite room in the house, a sunroom really.  I thought the “normal” thing to do would be to turn on the radio to my favorite station and have a little background music.  That was a bad idea.  Too much noise, even with the volume on low.

So I have been sitting here, catching up on all the blogs I follow, and listening to my two pups go in and out the doggie door, a lawnmower in the distance, my neighbors coming and going, the ceiling fan whirring.  And that’s all I can handle.

I don’t know what I’ll do next.  Probably, I will read.  Losing sleep and then sleeping too much throws me off, but I don’t want to be in the world around me.  It’s too vibrant, too rich, too loud.  I can’t handle it right now.  It’s too much.