When Your Mind Lies

In about an hour, I am going to see my uncle and Dad and do some serious hanging out.  When I posted yesterday, I was very nervous about how I would be perceived, because I don’t have a very positive concept of myself.  After a WTF talk with DSB, I was able to see that I am successful in some non-traditional ways.

A lot of the time, it seems like my mind and inner voice are lying to me.  Telling me I am not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, successful enough.  One of the things DSB pointed out to me is that I am always comparing myself to others.  This is also something my current therapist was working on with me several months ago in therapy.

No one is better than anyone else.  No one is worse than anyone else.  I can’t wrap my head around it, really.  We are all the same.  But we’re not!  I know this pattern of thinking is maladaptive and I think it is something I need to work on a little harder.  I really don’t think we’re all the same.  I think we’re all different, but not necessarily better or worse than the other.  Unless it’s me we’re comparing.  I’m always worse.

It is a constant fight to stay in wise mind, or to even get into wise mind.  I spend so much time in emotion mind and very little in rational, that my worldviews and thoughts and feelings swing dramatically moment by moment.  I am constantly in flux.  Is that normal?  I don’t think it is, really.  There is very little that I believe in that I can stick with, no matter what.

I know there is love in my life.  That is one thing I know for sure, but even then, a lot of times I am living in fear that it will go away.  So even on that one, most certain thing, I see cracks in the pavement.

I am much less nervous about seeing my uncle today than I was yesterday.  After DSB had his WTF talk with me, some of it is sticking to the inside of my brain…that I am successful in my own, non-traditional way.  For right now, I’m okay with that and I just need to keep it in mind.

From “Hooray’s” to Having no Faith

For those of you who read yesterday’s post, I would like it to be known that I cleaned up and organized the most cluttered, chaotic, consistently out-of-control room in my house.  That’s right, I kicked my laundry room’s ass.  I put all of my winter clothes away, did about six loads of laundry that’s been sitting around I-don’t-know-how-long, hung up or folded DSB’s entire wardrobe and my entire summer wardrobe (and we are not people with small wardrobes).  That bitch is done, amen!

I also cooked a healthy, homemade meal and cleaned my kitchen.  Those aren’t things I really give myself a pat on the back for because I do them every day, but I have to admit…it DOES feel good to do those things and do them consistently and well.  Hooray for that!

On the flip side, I have been really hard on myself lately, and I although I think I deserve every bit about it, all of the guilt and angst and wasted emotion is really eating me up.  It’s affecting my sleep, and Lord knows that when my sleep gets affected, bad things happen.  And also let’s say that, when I’m in wise mind, I know that I don’t really deserve quite all of that nastiness.

And let’s also say that I have been having one hell of a time getting into wise mind.  I don’t think it’s from lack of trying, either.  I keep having these hugely reactive emotion mind episodes.  It seems like my first instinct is to scream, “NO!” at me, anytime the said person asks me to do something.

I feel like I am so negative toward everyone and everything in my life, and like I’m always saying no, no, no, no, no, when people ask me to do something.  I know in some ways, I am trying to protect myself because it just feels inside like I am very fragile right now and I can’t quite explain it.  I just feel really sensitive, like I’m going to crack open at any time and I won’t be able to put myself back together.

I’m at a point where I’m not sure what I should do to make myself feel better.  Of course, there are things I could do, but I have no faith that any of it would make me feel better.  No faith in DBT, no faith in myself, no faith in anyone, really.  Where does one go from here?