Taking Care of Me Helps Me Find My Best “Me”

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Sometimes I feel like I am a child, stumbling along in the dark, and often directly into the path of a bright window, where love radiates and I learn a lesson.  I feel as if I have learned many lessons lately, and the most important one I have learned is this:

I need to figure out what it takes to be the best “me,” and then do THAT.

Throw myself into whatever it is that takes me furthest, whatever makes me happiest, whatever helps those I love the most, whatever serves the greater good but also grows me.

I am a seedling, growing under the care of love and the sun and I am constantly changing and growing and breaking through barriers, yet moving slowly and purposefully as so not to bruise my tender leaves.  I have to be patient with myself and I have to ask others to be patient with me, in turn.

At 35, one might think I should be all grown up and have it figured out.  Let me tell you something:

Anyone that tells you they have it all figured out at 35, they are lying to you with fingers crossed behind their back.

We ALL want to give off the impression that we have it together.  We don’t.  I don’t, you don’t, not completely.  Some parts of our lives are stronger and more figured out than others, but life is a lesson that you keep learning new things about until you are dead.  And if you stop learning, stop growing, become stagnant, your leaves fall off and you die.  You die and you walk around as a husk of a person because you had it in your head that you had to have it all figured out RIGHT NOW.

My goal this week is to be kinder and gentler with myself.  I have been criticizing myself harshly because, as of the last few weeks, I haven’t been as productive (at least traditionally so), as I may have hoped.  I’m going to cut myself some slack though, because I am needing time to heal.

I have been physically under the weather for almost three weeks now, and the mystery illness isn’t letting up.  I have a feeling that stress and strong self-criticism and not allowing myself to just rest and to just be, is what is continuing the sickness.  Not that the illness is in my head, because I think it is very real, just that I am exacerbating it by continuing to expect myself to be Wonder Woman and all things to all people and to check all sorts of things off my “to do” list every day.

So I am taking a break from the harshness of my own voice reprimanding myself.  I am going to try and take it easy.  I am going to try and figure out what makes me the best “me” that I can be, and I’m going to run with it.  Some of my very favorite people in the world are going through rough times right now, too, and I want to urge them, to urge you, to be kind to yourself this week.  To take it a little easier than normal on yourself.

It is positive to motivate yourself to do things, but when your voice turns cruel and you stop giving yourself credit and you decide you are a bad person, just stop.  It really is that simple — stop being so mean to yourself, and give yourself a break.  You will come out ahead, in the end.


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Issues to Go Around

Early morning, so peaceful.  I like mornings, before all the drama of work, life, play starts.  I don’t have to worry about bosses, co-workers, difficult cases, or any other annoying thing for another two hours.  Ahhhhh.

As I may have mentioned before, work is becoming a real drag.  After trying not to bother my supervisor too much, she had the immediate reaction yesterday afternoon to try and track me down across the compound, because she didn’t know where I was.  Hmmm.  Either you want to supervise me or you don’t.  Make up your damn mind.  Did she really think I was slacking off, or did she just HAVE to know what I was doing at that very moment?  I think my boss has issues.  Maybe even some sort of personality disorder.  I know that a good friend of our family knows her and has always put it out there that she is a “crazy beeotch.”  Yes, I may be starting to realize that.

Aside from that little piece of work drama, my impossible cases are coming together, kind of like they always do.  Or maybe not always, maybe usually would be more accurate.  I tell inmates that things always work out, one way or another, and in general, this is true.  They might not leave the facility with the most ideal plan, but they WILL leave the facility, and there WILL be some sort of plan.  Even if it is effed.  Sometimes we can only do so much.  It seems like I re-learn that lesson every day.

I went to bed at 7:30pm last night.  It wasn’t that I was exhausted physically, I just couldn’t keep thinking about all of the BS that was yesterday.  Yesterday made my stomach upset and the two beers I had at QoB’s while waiting for Big Dog to tell me that I am fucking up did not settle well.  It is really difficult when someone assumes that, if your supervisor is annoyed with you, it is because you have been sick to work a lot lately.  Yes, I have been sick a lot lately.  Here I am, though, still sick and going to work.  I really don’t want to end up in the hospital and I have just been following doctor’s orders, for the most part.  When you can’t breathe, it makes it difficult to work.  I don’t think I would ever want to be supervised by Big Dog.  He’s a hardass, expecting the rest of the world to be able to never miss a day of work like he does.  I gave up on being perfect some time back, thanks.

As I said last night, I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.  I was looking for reassurance and ideas, and that didn’t come.  I do thank Adriana for her kind words about being a supervisor and what supervisors would like to see.  Constructive criticism there.  Always appreciated.

I have been talking a lot lately about all of the “aha” moments that have come my way as of late.  I can think of one more thing that my thirties has brought me.  My parents are not infallible people.  They make mistakes, they have flaws, they struggle with certain things.  It is not all about me.  I repeat, it is not all about me.  They are people too, with complex and varied life experiences.  They are who they are, and I shouldn’t put so much stock into every little word that is said.  They are people, after all, and people sometimes say things that you should take with a grain of salt.  Apparently that applies to parents as well.  This is not to say that I don’t take in what they say, and I’m not very good about taking what they say with a grain of salt, but it is something I want to learn.

And bringing it back to me, because this blog is, after all, about me…I have issues, too.  I have flaws and imperfections and I say things I don’t mean.  I think that makes me human.  I have spent all of these years trying to be perfect, only to realize that this is not possible.  I have to be who I am, based upon my background and life experiences.  I can only do my best and hope that the rest of the world can learn to roll with it.  I still struggle with wanting to be perfect, but it seems that I have come to accept and recognize my downfalls, my “issues,” if  you will.  Self-acceptance, radical acceptance.  It all goes hand in hand.

Queen, Love of My Life