I went from posting six times last week to not even touching this blog this week. My thoughts have been super disorganized the past several days, due to a lack of sleep which is coming about thanks to problems with my CPAP machine (device that treates sleep my extra-severe sleep apnea). So, while I HAVE been lying down for three or four hours at a time, I have been waking (according to the technician who downloaded my unit today) multiple times a night because I am, well, jeez, I’m just not breathing, consistently.
That kind of sleep deprivation is something of the worst kind, because while you *think* you are sleeping, you aren’t getting even close to any sort of sleep that is restful. This leaves one with disorganized thoughts, gaps in time and memory, and a feeling that some sort of slow-growing mold is encasing the brain, rendering the little electrical impulses normally found there to be quite subdued.
To all of the bloggers I follow, I’m sorry to say that I just deleted my inbox full of notifications, feeling that I had to give myself a “re-do” for this week, and that I couldn’t do that with all of those unread posts making me feel guilty. So, I’ve missed some of what y’all had to say this week…my bad, but sometimes it can’t be helped. I *am* going to go back and answer comments on my last two posts here in the next day or so, but I thought it was prudent to throw a post up here so that anyone who noticed I was *back* last wouldn’t think I’ve totally dropped off again. Just not the case, at all.
Some really great things happened this week, and remain unmarred (mostly) by the trials and tribulations of sleep deprivation. I had a really good therapy appointment this week, and I also made peace with my peer support specialist. It is amazing what can happen when you just ASK for what you NEED, and when you are also communicative about what your expectations are and just very HONEST about every single thing you can think of.
My schedule has now straightened itself out to the point where it is the exact same every week. There will be no more panicked thoughts (I hope) in the middle of the night, thinking there is somewhere I am supposed to be at such-and-such time the next day. Now, everything has been set up to repeat, and I can just roll with it (and hope it *mostly* stays that way).
This is a huge relief, because it was one of the things I have been so bent out of shape about. I also found a great place to meet in the community with my peer support person…a small cafe that is very empty midday, has very comfortable furniture, is bright and full of windows, and lacks the dark and trendy feelings of most coffee shops. I love it so much, I might hang out there sometimes, even when we are not meeting. They also have really inexpensive drinks and desserts, a plus, no doubt.
I have further cleared things up with my peer support person (who really needs a blog nickname, what I have so far is The Trucker’s Wife, what do you think?) by using F.A.S.T. (a DBT skill in which you ask for something but keep your self-respect, as in no over-apologizing or the like) and just good ol’ common sense. I have decided to give her another chance, and would probably actually give her many more, because, while she is not the best at returning phone calls, she IS good at returning emails (yay, a way to communicate!!) and she does appear to care, and she is quite kind and understanding, and is letting me do the self-help book more on my own. It appears that this will all be working out, quite well.
I have several other things, which I am quite grateful for at this present moment, and which I’m going to list-post, because, yeah, I know that no one really wants this post to go past 700 words (least of all me):
- Celebrating good use of DBT skills this week in interacting with others. A few arguments were avoided, my anxiety was calmed more than once, and things just feel more level, even *with* the sleep deprivation.
- I do have the insurance to monitor and fix this sleep deprivation problem. The problem right now is getting in to be seen at the sleep center, because they are so backed up. I do have an appointment on Tuesday, and my medical supply store RT offered to help me on Monday, if I need it.
- People can be really decent to you when you treat them with more respect than what they are expecting to get.
- The relationship between LarBear and I gets better by the minute. We have laughed our butt’s off this week at many different things, as well as spent a lot of good quality time, several productive discussions, and he is really just everything I ever wanted out of a significant other, and always thought that I could never get.
- Thinking about what I might do post-DBT…maybe become a peer support for the group. Just throwing that out there as a wild and crazy idea, and that is also way down the road (about a year), but I think it might be really cool.
I found this photo/word/thingie on FB, and thought it was just exactly how I feel about my life right now, so I wanted to share it with y’all. It’s with this that I’m out, off to celebrate number 6, which was finding some really nice steaks in my freezer!