Scream Along With Me if You Want

Yesterday,  hoped that today would be much much better.  Unfortunately, I was up all night and then sick all day, barely able to get out of bed.  So much for my thoughts on getting some massive cleaning done.  Very most basic things taken care of — shower, feed Kizzie, drink something.  Other than that, nada.  So I thought I would post because, even though here at 6:34P, I feel better, I don’t feel better to the point where I can start sweeping and vacuuming and throwing laundry around.

As I sit here blogging, I find myself browsing YouTube.  It’s something my mom really likes to do and she always finds the most interesting, upbeat songs.  All I find are 80’s songs.  Because that’s what YouTube recommends for me.  Sad and peppy and good memory and bad memory 80’s songs.  Mr. Big anyone?

Mom was kind enough to bring me some ginger ale and I am smart enough to not drink the entire 2-L in one setting.  Because I am tempted, but I am done with getting sick.  I’d really like to sleep all night through, but I don’t know how likely that is, considering I was laying in bed all day.  I plan on just doing some reading later, so hopefully my brain won’t be hopped up on whatever it is that comes out of electronics that is so bad for  you.

Not smoking today was a small miracle.  I was idle, sick, and nothing sounded better than a cigarette, although on the other hand, when I really did think about it, my stomach lurched around inside my body.  How can I want something so badly and be so repulsed by it at the same time?  It makes no sense to me.

Over this latest funk, I have not been commenting and liking and reading as much, but trust that I still pop over and see what you’re up to.  Sometimes I just don’t have it in me to leave a decent comment, so there’s only a like.  One of these days, I’ll get back to my normal self and things will go on as usual.  I can’t help wondering waiting wishing dreaming and screaming about when that might be.  Scream along with me if you want.

Can’t Find the Beat

The blog experts say you’re not supposed to apologize or try to explain away absences.  I feel that I want to talk about it, because it seems to be a recurring problem that I don’t want to have.  And since my blog is where I talk about such things, the blog experts will just have to go criticize elsewhere.

I must say, I had felt pretty committed to blogging every day after my therapist had recommended it and QoB and a few friends seconded it.  I did ok for a couple days, and now have had this big dry spell again.  On the days I don’t blog, I do try to blog.  I sit in my chair and I type and I type and I absolutely hate everything I write.  Hate it to the point that not even I want to read it.

I do better when I blog every day, and I don’t exactly have a lack of things going on, but I feel like I am lacking in brain-power, if that makes sense.  There is a fog that has been cast over me, and things don’t add up, not inside my brain, not between my brain and my heart.  And I can’t find the right words.  And I find myself not being able to string any sort of sentences together.  It is very frustrating, and I am not going to post the three or four sentences that I do manage to get out, because, well, they don’t make sense!  At least not to me.

I think another major thing holding me back is this sadness that is currently cast over life right now.  It’s not something I will blog about because of privacy c0ncerns, but it is hitting me hard and is pervading all areas of my life.

I am not depressed and don’t feel like I am headed that direction.  I am having a lot of anxiety, and I am sad.  Both tend to immobilize me, but on many days I am still getting out and doing social things, going to work, taking care of Kizzie, and taking care of my health.  It is nearly a pattern that, on my days off, you would think I would work at being productive and spend time going to appointments and seeing people, but its the opposite.  On those days off, I have jampacked my days on so full, that I am wiped out.

It’s like I literally need my days off to recuperate from every event, party, dinner invitation, and lost night’s sleep.  I am over-doing.  Over-doing is increasing my sad and anxious feelings.  It is immobilizing my writing.  It is taking over my happiness and my good feelings.

To end on a high note:

Two weeks, three days, 6 hours, 49 minutes and 42 seconds not smoking. 1037 cigarettes not smoked, saving $140.00. Life saved: 3 days, 14 hours, 25 minutes.

Hooray for that…that, I am still doing well on.

Does Better Mental Health Equal an Easier Quit?

You know, when you get ready to quit smoking, you can find some of the most unbelievable “facts” and opinions on the Internet.  Everything from “the only way to quit and stay quit is xyz” to “blood pressure returns to normal within 24 hours” to “the first few weeks are the hardest.”

Well, it might end up, further into my journey, that I call the first few weeks the hardest, but that just isn’t how its going for me right now.  I am on Day 12 and counting, and I am finding it to be so much easier than any of the other times I tried to quit, and much more similar to the last time I quit for an extended period of time (1.5 years).  It just feels easy, it just feels right.

Maybe it is because my mental health is in such a place, that I’m learning once again to focus on the moment, to not dwell on negativity, and to do the things that I know keep me well.  Although over the past month, things have been hit or miss with my mood, I have had several straight solid days, where I felt great, happy even.  Not manic, mind you, just centered and at peace with things, in general, in my life.

I owe a lot of that to be open, willing, mindful, and completing meditation practice every day.  It is amazing how much all of that opens you up to a more beautiful world than you see when feeling poorly.  It feels like the sun is shining down into my brain, my heart, and like any problem I am having right now, is a problem that can be put away, worked through, or I can be made to realize it isn’t as important as I thought it was.

I know I have quit smoking, temporarily before, and I realize I am at 12 days only, and while I will obviously be much more comfortable when I am months or even years from my quit date, I can’t help but feel super confident that this will last.  I have had so many new “revelations” since I quit, so much has already changed, and I just keep waiting for the next surprise to come up.

Before quitting, I was always (no exaggeration) very out of breath.  Even just sitting, I had a wheezy pant going.  Walking across a parking lot was difficult, and walking around a grocery store or any store for that matter, was next to impossible.  I barely moved at home, sitting for long periods of time and neglecting daily chores.  Of course, it didn’t help that I have been sick for the longest time, but I’m talking the most extreme inactivity.

I had forgotten how bad certain things smelled, and now my sense of smell is coming back.  Burnt popcorn smell all throughout the house, stinky fish smell coming from garbage, the smell of smoke steeped into the whole house from years of smoking inside.  It’s all really terrible and, while I am grateful that I can smell these things now so that I can address them before they become a real problem, it’s really kind of gross right now and has been making me quite nauseous  here in the last couple of days.

When I find myself wanting a cigarette, usually after a meal or when driving, I tell myself to wait five minutes, and if after those five minutes are up, I still want a cigarette, I can go buy a pack and have one.  And quite honestly, usually by 2 or 3 minutes, I can’t believe that I was actually entertaining the idea of having one.  Mindfulness really helps with cravings as well, along with deep breathing or rhythmic breathing.

Feeling all that clean air push through my lungs, the irritating cough I have right now while getting all that stuff out my chest, and the ability to smell both good smells and bad smells — well, all in all, I’m loving it.  It is that immediate positive reinforcement for breaking bad behavior that works so well, and I know I would be able to do any of this if my mental health were in poor shape, and for that I thank DBT, mindfulness, and Loving-Kindness.

 

Building Rome: Get Happy

Green Embers’ Building Rome theme this week could not have come at a better time.  This week’s theme is:

SETBACKS ARE NOT ROADBLOCKS!

And yes, I really did feel it was that important that I screamed that at you.  Sorry for any ringing eardrums.  🙂

So, anyone who reads this blog knows I’ve had some major “setbacks” lately and have even blogged about the incredible sadness and loneliness I have been feeling, that have been created by said roadblocks.

After some discussion with the ever-so-wise QoB, my unhappiness problem can be eased by three things, which are going to be this week’s goals:

1) Get out of the house at least once a day.   Even if it’s just to sit out on the back patio or get in the mini-pool or drive down to BP and put gas in the car.  I think this goal is particularly important because it causes one to have to shower and dress, which are altogether motivating in themselves, which leads me to my next goal.

2) No matter what I am doing that day, be dressed, showered, and ready to walk out the door at a moment’s notice by 11:00AM.  I mean, this probably sounds pretty easy to most people, but it just isn’t for me.  Not when I’m feeling bad.  But what I do know from experience is that it DOES work.  Doing all of that gets you motivated to do more stuff, and doing that stuff motivates you to do even more.

3) Stop isolating.  Now.  This could probably go along with number one, but is really is distinctively different.  People are seeking out my company, and I am sometimes saying “no,” all the while whining that I am so lonely.  I do have opportunities to get out, but I am not going because I feel like I’m not good company, because I worry what to talk about, I worry what people are going to think of me.  I just worry.  I have let this problem overcome me before, and I literally turned into a hermit.  Not happening again.

My Do-or-Die Goals:

1) Take care of all  Kizzie’s needs, including play with Kizzie every day for at least 30 minutes.   It amazes me how much happier and relaxed Kizzie is now that Rascal is gone.  She definitely is loving having more time with me and I am (I think) doing a good job at taking care of her.  We have been playing a lot and she’s back to sleeping in the middle of the bed.  🙂

2) Hygiene/Self-Care.  Satisfactory.

3) Take all medications as prescribed.  I sucked.  I’m working on it now.  That is all.

4) Eat healthfully.  Still on a very carb/protein diet.  Not sure that’s quite healthy, but it’s the only thing that keeps my tummy happy.

 

Last Week’s Goals:

1) Continuing to read two hours every day.  Doing it and LOVING it!

2) Ask some friends for feedback about lack of blogging.  Asked, answered, and advice put into effect.

3) Start reducing cigarettes smoked in an attempt to quit which will be upcoming.  Day One was today and I did not meet my exact goal, but I did pretty darn good.  Hopefully Day Two will be easier.

Building Rome: Serenity Now

Well, it’s week two for me of Building Rome. Building Rome is a challenge created by Green Embers and each week, we set small goals and then report back on the past week’s goals.  I also add in my every-day-gotta-do-it goals at the end, but to each their own.

This week’s theme is “Serenity Now.”  The quote that Green Embers selected for this post if particularly apt to my situation:

“This art of resting the mind and the power of dismissing from it all care and worry is probably one of the secrets of energy in our great men.”
– Captain J. A. Hadfield

Indeed.  Following last week’s goals, we find:

1)  Fail #1:  Send a handwritten card to my sister and step-sister letting them know how much they mean to me.

I didn’t do this, namely because I didn’t make the time or the effort.  It just slipped off my radar.  Maybe for another day!

2) Win #1:  Perf0rm one random act of kindness for a stranger each day.  A smile, holding the door open, helping someone carry something, advising where something is located in the grocery store.  Small things, important things.

I have been in the position to do a lot of this lately, and have happily done so.  My favorite was spotting someone a quarter so they could complete their purchase at Dollar General.  It’s just a quarter, people!  Out of the long line, I was the only one to offer assistance.

3) Win #3:  Talk with Goddess of Mindfulness about this constant cycling and what we can do about it, other than following the “crisis” medication regime.  Also talk with her about the mental  health center’s lack of follow-through with my needed medication requests.  Ask for her help in communicating with them.

Done and done and done.  I am back on my “crisis” medication regimine.  She explained to me the extreme understaffing at the center and suggested I make an appointment straight-away, as it is difficult to get in now.

Those were the main goals I set for last week.  The following goals will be for this week, and will embrace “serenity now.”

1) Take Kizzie for a walk at least three times for at least 15 minutes this week.

This will help my mental health, my physical health, and Kizzer’s health.  I often used to find that walks were good ways to clear my brain, and with quitting smoking, I need all of that I can get.

2) Set aside time each morning to read in the devotional book that my mom’s best friend, Glo gave me.

We have not made it to church now in weeks, thanks to our dueling schedules, and my lapsing faith is irritating me like a burr right under my skin.  Who knew that having faith was such hard work?

3) Continue to not smoke.

Smoking creates anxiety, really.  When you feel like you’ve not had one in a certain amount of time, it certainly increases those feelings.  I have plenty of anxiety on my own to deal with.  I really don’t need the help!

Now, for my four must-do-every-day-n0-matter what:

1) Take medications exactly as presribed.  I actually did a pretty good job this week, other than taking my morning meds late on two days.  I still took them, though, so there’s progress!

2) Take care of Kizzie’s needs.  I did pretty well on this, too.  She never ran completely out of water and I’ve already made arrangements to get some dog food picked up.  We’ve been playing a lot, and it is clear she would rather sit on my lap in the  living room than sit under my feet at my computer desk.  She can be a bit on the needy side, sometimes.

3)  Take care of personal hygiene daily.  I did a bang-up job of this, I believe, this week.  Smelling all fresh and clean AND, I put away all my clean clothes, so I know what I have to wear.  That is a big bonus, and it doesn’t really matter that I did it at 9:00 last night — just that it’s done!

4) Eat healthfully and mindfully.  Epic fail.  Too much fast food this week, and too many sugary drinks.  There has also been a lot of snacking going on since I quit smoking and I KNOW that this is just nervous energy — I just want it to stop!

So, if you’d like to hold yourself accountable and feel like making some new goals, check out Green Embers’ site for details and link-up.  I know I feel a little bit better if I have some direction in life!

Sorry there were no fun  pictures, but today is a git’ ‘er done kind of day, and I didn’t have time.  Maybe next week!

Collection of Thoughts, Tobacco-Free Edition

1) Started my first month’s free subscription to  Netflix today.  I don’t have cable and I like movies.  There are a lot of movies I would like to have seen, but DSB was not interested in much what I was.  Netflix also has back-episodes of shows I have always wanted to see (that again, DSB did not).  I am pleased to report that it is streaming well on my POS computer, so was pleasantly surprised, there.  I might keep it, might not.  I have a month to decide, so there’s the beauty!

 

2) Day One of smoking cessation has me on my ass.  I remembered it as being easier, but I have been quite grumpy today and just very uncomfortable in my own skin.  I didn’t do anything wrong or bitch anyone out, but the Big Dawg let me leave 90 minutes early today.  I think he was worried that I WOULD end up bitching someone out.  Or he just felt sorry for me.  Either way, I was glad to come home to a nice air-conditioned house.  That reeks of smoke.  I’ll get it out, one way or another.  May I just say, though, that nicotine lozenges TOGETHER with the patch makes all the difference.  I remembered that from last time, so I made sure I had both.  ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

 

3) I think it is possible that my dad and I have gone from not communicating to over-communicating.  Ya know, there’s some things I don’t need to know, things that just make me feel bad.  I know he’s trying to be helpful, but it’s not.  I haven’t told him yet, still might not.   Undecided.

 

4)  I always feel a little bit bad when I do it, but I unsubscribe emails from bloggers who do not answer comments.  As in, EVER.  I’m not unf0llowing.  There is a slight chance in hell I might come across them in Reader.  I just feel like, if someone leaves you a comment, then you should probably respond.  Even just a “thanks” will do it.  What do you think about this issue?  Leave it in the comments, I’d really like to know.  (and I’m not talking about being tardy with comments — I’m saying NEVER responding)

5) And my brain power is pretty much gone.  I am eating salmon and lima beans for dinner (my most favorite dinner ever) to treat myself to a day gone without smoking, so there’s some brain food.  Here’s hoping you are having a stress-free day full of Cheezits, the third  most perfect food (below salmon and lima beans, of course).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wherein I Come Clean About Smoking

I quit smoking toward the end of December this past year.  For the most part, I did pretty well, considering.  I had a few slip-ups, but nothing major.  I struggled, fought, and pretty soon it became easier, if not just plain easy some days.

I reveled in the non-smoking life.  I could breathe, I wasn’t coughing all the time, my hair smelled good.  I could smell a cigarette at 50 yards and, at times, I could have sworn I was allergic to cigarette smoke.  The secondhand smoke just affected me that much.

Toward the end of January, things started getting difficult.  DSB’s health was to take a turn for the worse, and that stress-free life I so enjoyed was over.  I had become complacent about my quit, too.  Not changing my patch when I should, not popping a lozenge when my brain told me I wanted a cigarette, not blogging about the struggle.  I lost track of the fight within me to stay quit, and I got lost somewhere.

It started out with just stealing a cigarette here and there.  Within the last two weeks, I’ve been buying a pack here and there, smoking a couple, a dozen, the whole pack here and there.  Cigarettes are an addictive bitch, and I’m not talking about the nicotine.  For the past two days, at home with an immobile DSB (health problems out the ying-yang, oh yeah!), waiting on him hand and foot, doing nothing but trying to run this house all by myself, I’ve smoked regularly.

And my body is pissed.  And I am pissed.  I’m coughing and hacking and I reek of cigarette smoke.  I started to think about how great I felt in December and most of the way through January.  How good it felt to be quit, how nice the air was moving in and out of my lungs, how my wind was better, how I had more energy.

They are absolutely fucking right when they tell you that quitting smoking now will greatly reduce serious risks to your health.  And you feel amazing.  I think the Surgeon General should put that on the pack, too:  If you quit, you will feel amazing.  Part of it is that you’re not smoking and part of it is that you tackled a huge beast and you are WINNING.

I’ve been lying in bed reading The Orange Buffalo by Grayson Queen, which so far has been amazing, and he is writing about (in this particular section) about drinking and disillusionment and the quest for perfection, and Grayson Queen helped me (about 15 minutes ago) to have my own personal epiphany.

I do NOT want to smoke.  I do not want to be a smoker.  I want to quit and have healthy lungs and live to see my nephew grow up and get married and have kids of his own.  I don’t want to sneak around with cigarettes and lighters and be a smelly, smoky mess.

The other part of this personal epiphany, is that, yes, life has become quite stressful and that I, however, do not have to feed it.  I can deal with it, I can manage.  Without cigarettes.  And without a bipolar meltdown.

My personal epiphany:  I am happier without cigarettes.  I feel empowered when I don’t smoke.  I like the non-smoking Rosa better than the chain-smoking Rosa.  And I definitely like the not-sneaking-around Rosa better than the sneaking-around one.

I have come to far to start telling lies again.  I have come too far to give up this quit.  I’ll be restarting that fight, effective 23 minutes ago.  I will wake up in the morning, and I will not smoke, no matter what.  I have patches and lozenges and I will use my tools.

 

Smoking Confession

I quit smoking almost two months ago.  Actually, exactly two months and ten hours ago.  And then, this past week, while struggling with every personal demon within myself, I smoked.  I didn’t smoke one cigarette, or take just one puff.  I spent two days, smoking two packs of cigarettes.  I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking, other than, “How am I going to conceal this from everyone?” and “What am I going to do next?” and then freaking out, “Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, what did I do?!?”

I am so fucking disappointed in myself.  I lost a lot of ground in those two days.  You might be surprised to know this, but, after almost two months, I was getting my wind back pretty well, but two packs of cigarettes set me back almost a month.  If not more.  I’m coughing, hacking…again.  My nose is alternately stopped up and running.  And I just.can’t.breathe.  It is the worst feeling in the world, because I did this to myself.

I know what I need to do.  Part of it, I have already done.  I have hopped back on the no-smoking bandwagon.  I have a patch on.  I have lozenges available.  I am getting out and about with non-smoking people.  I am focused and determined.  I am going to approach quitting smoking like I approached quitting drinking.

Except this will be harder.  With drinking, I became convinced that alcohol was literally poison.  Even one sip would change my brain chemicals and alter my mood.  One day, out of the blue, I just quit.  I didn’t have a serious problem, or even a mild problem, so maybe that is why it was so easy.  After some thought, and thinking of alcohol then (and now), as poison (literally poison to my neurochemically addled brain), I have been completely alcohol-free for almost two years.  And it wasn’t that hard.

Smoking is so much harder.  Smoking was my “thing.”  I did it to celebrate everything, when I was sad, when I was manic, after I ate, in the car, during half-time at sporting events, to wake myself up in the morning, after sex, all.the.time.  Maybe that’s why it is so hard, because it is tied to so many things.

I think what makes it a million times harder is that DSB smokes, and he won’t go outside.  He talks about putting his cigarettes away, so I won’t be able to get to them, and then he doesn’t.  Half the time he won’t crack a window open.  I have to get up and do it myself.

DSB is a great guy and very supportive in many ways, but he is definitely “bad boyfriend” on this front.  He is so completely  unsupportive of me quitting smoking, it’s laughable.  He says he thinks I can quit, but then he inadvertently throws smoking right back in my face.  He thinks I should be able to just not grab a pack of cigarettes, or a cigarette if they’re sitting out somewhere.  Maybe he’s right, but I know I can’t, and I’ve told him that to no avail.  I think he hopes I won’t really quit.  That is all I can learn from this behavior.

And I’m not blaming this all on DSB.  I am simply saying that quitting a habit is very hard to do when your significant other participates fully in that habit.  And 66% of my support system are smokers.  These are the people I see on a day to day basis.  This is a part of why smoking is constantly on my mind.  There is always a cigarette burning, and, well, it smells good and is just so tempting.

Ah fuck it.  I don’t know what else to say about this that doesn’t make me sound like a whiny loser that desperately wants a cigarette.  I am determined to turn this around.  I just really feel like the odds are stacked against me.

Words for Now and The New Year

Reverb13 prompt for December 17th is as follows:   What word did you select to be your travelling companion in 2013? What gifts did this word bring?  What word will you choose to guide you through 2014? What do you hope it will bring into your life?

Because my brain couldn’t fathom the first part of this year, I read blog entries from earlier this year, and it appears that I was in survival mode, not really choosing any word persay to be a “travelling companion.”  In the latter part of the year, I think I chose to focus on the word “recovery,” because that was what I was doing — entering recovery.  For really, the first time ever.

That probably sounds a little dramatic, but it’s true.  I got this idea in my head that life could be better and that it could stay that way.  So I worked and worked on the little things that made my recovery happen, and now I sit here, a few weeks out from 2014 and I can say that I feel “in recovery” from my mental health issues.  Do I thin k they will flare at some point in time?  Absolutely, but I am doing what I can every day to keep myself under control and do the things that work for me.

The gifts that recovery has brought to my life are priceless.  It has brought me into a much deeper and healthy relationship with DSB.  It has allowed me to be closer to my mom and my dad.  It has meant that most nights I sleep well, and I don’t look for trouble.  It has given me the security to start letting go…of therapy, of worry, of guilt, of fear.  I feel like there are parts of me now that have at leas partially healed, that I didn’t think ever would.

I don’t like to predict the future, but I think in 2014 I will be carrying the word, “hope,” with me.  Hope that I can continue to improve personally and in my relationships.  Hope that I can keep my smoking quit going, that I can lose weight, and start to exercise some.  That I can keep setting goals and achieving them.

I hope these goals bring into my life more structure, happiness, and beauty.  I know I need to take better care of myself, and here I am, end of 2013 already working on it.  And in 2014, I want to see the following stats keep going higher and higer:

Three weeks, one day, 11 hours, 35 minutes and 24 seconds. 1348 cigarettes not smoked, saving $171.32. Life saved: 4 days, 16 hours, 20 minutes.

I simply can’t fathom the number of cigarettes I haven’t smoked.  Amazing.  And it is getting easier by the day.  If you are smoking and thinking of quitting, give it some more thought — I never thought it would be so rewarding or how much better  I would feel.  Sweet success.

Day Fourteen Reverb13

Day Fourteen of Reverb13’s prompt is as follows:

What was the best decision you made in 2013? What were the results? How will you continue the good work in 2014?

The best decision I made in 2013 was to start working toward becoming a physically healthier person.  Reaching the ripe old age of 32 this year, I realized that, given my weight and the fact of smoking and fatty foods, it was just a short matter of time before my situation would become dire.  Diabetes runs in my family, and I did not want to go down that road.  At this point, I already have high blood pressure and sleep apnea.  I did not want to develop any more weight-related conditions.

The first step I took was to quit smoking.  It made sense to me, because I want to be able to exercise (even just walking would be great) and am unable to do so due to being so out-of-breath after just the slightest bit of activity.  I also have asthma which is poorly controlled, mostly due to smoking and a bit also due to infrequent use of my daily scheduled inhalers.

So far, quitting smoking has been less difficult than I expected.  I do have a bit of a harder time because DSB and my mom smoke, but it seems they are happy to at least open a window when I am in their vicinity.  While not a perfect situation, it does help.

I plan to carry this foward in to 2014 by just sticking to the regemine of nicotine patches and lozenges, and reaffirming my willpower minute by minute.  I know I really don’t want to smoke anymore, know that in my head finally, so hopefully that will make it easier.