Let the Bitching Begin

Sometimes it’s the minor day-to-day drama that can really drag you down, exhaust you, make you feel like slashing someone’s tires.  Sometimes there is no positive solution to a situation, so you have to make the best out of what you have.  That is what I am doing with my supervisor.

When I went to my supervisor’s boss, she assured me that there would be no retribution, revenge, or hostility that would come from it.  She even told me, after I was done telling my story about how uncomfortable I was working with her, that she didn’t think my supervisor should supervise anyone.  That’s how bad it is.

Now I’m not sure what my supervisor told her supervisor, but there was a meeting between the three of us and her supervisor decided that my boss should stay the same.  Assured me there would be nothing negative to come from it.  I knew, even sitting there in that meeting, noticing how my supervisor would not respond to things I was saying, noticing how she kept trying to make me look bad (by dredging up ancient history), noticing how she pretended that she didn’t know I was unhappy or that there was a problem…I knew that there would be continued issues.

Now they’re just quiet issues.  I moved my office and am much happier with my working environment.  I don’t have daily contact with her, and when I do email (which is rarely now), she usually doesn’t respond, or gives short and abrupt replies, such as “ok” or “This is someone else’s responsibility.”  Ok fine.  Since she doesn’t respond to my emails, I send even fewer.  I don’t think she knows what is going on with my caseload at all.  Maybe she wants it that way, maybe she doesn’t.  I really don’t know.

At the meeting, one of her biggest complaints was that I email her too much.  Well, I can fix that.  The main reason I was always emailing her was because I thought she would want to stay up-to-date on the cases I am working and because I knew that she used the emails I sent her for my performance evaluation.  Now I dread my next one, in April.  Lord only knows what she’ll say.  I am saving all emails and will just print her out a big stack when the time comes.

It has become really ridiculous, really.  She is short with me when I call, mainly giving one-word answers, “Yes, OK, that’s fine.”  I don’t know why I am expecting more.  Maybe it is because I am a people-pleaser and I don’t like being treated in an unfriendly manner.

I don’t feel like a have a supervisor at this point, at least not like any supervision I’ve ever had.  She wanted to know at the meeting why I was going to other people for help and not her.  Well, when she doesn’t respond to my emails, won’t talk to me in the phone or in person, and acts like I am wasting her time, rolls her eyes, sighs heavily, or gives a smart response anytime I mention a case,  then why would I?

Blech…maybe I should have just suffered in silence.  This is almost worse.  I hate being ignored and not taken seriously or, more frequently, not given the time of day.  I hate it in any area of my life, and this has been especially difficult.  One of these days maybe she’ll find a new job or she’ll retire, and I’ll breathe a deep sigh of relief, and (many, many) years from now, I might even look back and chuckle a little about how bent out of shape I was over this.  For right now, though, it’s anything but funny.

Ministry, Revenge

Issues to Go Around

Early morning, so peaceful.  I like mornings, before all the drama of work, life, play starts.  I don’t have to worry about bosses, co-workers, difficult cases, or any other annoying thing for another two hours.  Ahhhhh.

As I may have mentioned before, work is becoming a real drag.  After trying not to bother my supervisor too much, she had the immediate reaction yesterday afternoon to try and track me down across the compound, because she didn’t know where I was.  Hmmm.  Either you want to supervise me or you don’t.  Make up your damn mind.  Did she really think I was slacking off, or did she just HAVE to know what I was doing at that very moment?  I think my boss has issues.  Maybe even some sort of personality disorder.  I know that a good friend of our family knows her and has always put it out there that she is a “crazy beeotch.”  Yes, I may be starting to realize that.

Aside from that little piece of work drama, my impossible cases are coming together, kind of like they always do.  Or maybe not always, maybe usually would be more accurate.  I tell inmates that things always work out, one way or another, and in general, this is true.  They might not leave the facility with the most ideal plan, but they WILL leave the facility, and there WILL be some sort of plan.  Even if it is effed.  Sometimes we can only do so much.  It seems like I re-learn that lesson every day.

I went to bed at 7:30pm last night.  It wasn’t that I was exhausted physically, I just couldn’t keep thinking about all of the BS that was yesterday.  Yesterday made my stomach upset and the two beers I had at QoB’s while waiting for Big Dog to tell me that I am fucking up did not settle well.  It is really difficult when someone assumes that, if your supervisor is annoyed with you, it is because you have been sick to work a lot lately.  Yes, I have been sick a lot lately.  Here I am, though, still sick and going to work.  I really don’t want to end up in the hospital and I have just been following doctor’s orders, for the most part.  When you can’t breathe, it makes it difficult to work.  I don’t think I would ever want to be supervised by Big Dog.  He’s a hardass, expecting the rest of the world to be able to never miss a day of work like he does.  I gave up on being perfect some time back, thanks.

As I said last night, I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.  I was looking for reassurance and ideas, and that didn’t come.  I do thank Adriana for her kind words about being a supervisor and what supervisors would like to see.  Constructive criticism there.  Always appreciated.

I have been talking a lot lately about all of the “aha” moments that have come my way as of late.  I can think of one more thing that my thirties has brought me.  My parents are not infallible people.  They make mistakes, they have flaws, they struggle with certain things.  It is not all about me.  I repeat, it is not all about me.  They are people too, with complex and varied life experiences.  They are who they are, and I shouldn’t put so much stock into every little word that is said.  They are people, after all, and people sometimes say things that you should take with a grain of salt.  Apparently that applies to parents as well.  This is not to say that I don’t take in what they say, and I’m not very good about taking what they say with a grain of salt, but it is something I want to learn.

And bringing it back to me, because this blog is, after all, about me…I have issues, too.  I have flaws and imperfections and I say things I don’t mean.  I think that makes me human.  I have spent all of these years trying to be perfect, only to realize that this is not possible.  I have to be who I am, based upon my background and life experiences.  I can only do my best and hope that the rest of the world can learn to roll with it.  I still struggle with wanting to be perfect, but it seems that I have come to accept and recognize my downfalls, my “issues,” if  you will.  Self-acceptance, radical acceptance.  It all goes hand in hand.

Queen, Love of My Life