Ten Things of “Keepin’ It Sane” Thankful

We all have our little tricks that keep us going in the worst of times.  I choose to use this Ten Things of Thankful to highlight the ten things that keep me sane which I am most thankful for.  Don’t forget to go check out Lizzi at Considerings, the originator of this little blog hop, and to link your own at the end of her page.

Sometimes a little gratitude list (even if its for the really, really small stuff) can bring about a big positive change in your attitude.  I try to do this blog hop once a week, (which is also perfect because then I don’t have to think too hard about what to write about), but the reason I do it over and over, is simple…it WORKS for me.

1. Unlikely, but included nonetheless, super-heavy-duty ponytail holders save my sanity every time.  There is nothing worse than having whispies or big chunks of hair touching your face all day.  (and yes, when I said touching, I put my fingers up in the air and wiggled)  I know I am not alone in having hair that can drive one straight up the wall, although I admit that it’s a bit strange to be my number one item on this list, but I have taken down and put my hair up about nine times today.  The long hair struggle…it is real, y’all!
2. Anything lavender-scented.  My current favorite is a lavender-lilac candle my dad bought me,and I would swear to you that using the lavender lotion by Zum can sometimes be about the only thing that will calm my raging anxiety.  Or at least that was the case yesterday.  Heaven knows it will be something else tomorrow.
3. Kizzie.  Kizzie belly rubs and Kizzie kisses and Kizzie barking happily at me and feeding Kizzie treats and Kizzie, Kizzie, Kizzie.  If she wasn’t so wild, she could be a certified therapy dog, but she is my therapy dog, so that is what matters.  She knows when I am sad and when I am anxious and plants herself in my lap.  She licks my tears away, and will lay calmly at my feet through almost anything.  I really don’t know what I would do without her at times.4.  And Kizzie leads straight into Lucy, the standard poodle that I have opened our home to, who used to live with my mom.  She is so darn happy here, it’s amazing — she and Kizzie play and leap around like puppies half the time.  With the addition of a little carprofen (which I am also grateful for), her arthritis is kept at a minimum and she can focus on being the Princess that she truly is.

5.  That I have managed to actually blog a few times this week.  It has been cathartic and freeing and enjoyable and lovely to interact again.  I hope I can keep that stuck in my head and repeat over and over.

6.  Fairly related, I have found several new bloggers that I am excited to follow.  I hadn’t added a new blogger to follow in a really long time, but some super awesome people have stopped by this ol’ place and I am excited to put time and effort into it, like I used to.

 

 

7.  The fact that LarBear and I both believe in buying the actual CD of an artist’s music.  We buy ours mostly from Amazon, and have found some real winners lately with Chris Stapleton, Old Dominion, Cam, Keb Mo, Jana Kramer, and Kacey Musgraves.  Just Google, you will find…they are all spectactular!  And seeing as music is one of the main things that calms me down, I just consider that we are buying cheap therapy.

8.  It’s that time for the Interpersonal Effectiveness Tool, “FAST”, to rear it’s head and I am READY.  I have several situations where I do not want to over-apologize, where it is important for me to get across my point of view without losing my self-respect.  I have already tried it out a few times, but I am building up to a really big FAST that will be unveiled soon.

9.  I am thankful that I have reasonable insurance and that medications are filled as they should be and I can get in to see my treaters when need be.

10.  I am thankful for friends who are only an email away, who never give up on me even when I have been gone for a really long time, and who I can start BS’ing with just like old times the moment I am back in the picture.  Thank you.

 

 

Tweaking the Crazy Recipe

According to the experts at WP, it has been 10 days since my last post.  Now, mind you, I have considered updating on several occasions, but have been extremely BUSY and IMPORTANT doing things like sleeping extra hours, watching copious amounts of basketball, doing everything I could to avoid getting dressed or showering, severely curtailing any limited contact I already had with the outside world, and backing out of every appointment and engagement possible.  BUSY, I tell you!  IMPORTANT, I’m saying!

Anytime something seemed remotely threatening to the tiny scrap of sanity I clutched in my sweaty palms this week, my answer was to retreat to my bed.  Phone ringing?  Bed.  Text message?  Bed.  Appointment?  Cancellation, then bed.  People wanting to swing by?  Ignore phone call, avoid with text message, go to bed.  Mess in the kitchen?  Bed.  Time to start thinking about a shower, or brushing my hair, or dragging a toothbrush across my mouth?  Bed.

Ok.  Apparently everything was threatening to my sanity.  Figuring out meals was terrible.  I wasn’t ever hungry, and I can’t just feed anything to LarBear (who has Crohn’s disease), and he can’t cook.  Stress multiplied by three!  Multiply that by one more, because I couldn’t conceptualize food because it was too difficult to think of when I could barely think of how I was going to keep myself alive, going into the next hour.

Up until late last night, I was having very intense self-harm thoughts and urges.  I hadn’t had self-harm thoughts or urges in years, although suicidal ideation is always hovering near the surface for me.  But self-harm, like harming myself just to harm myself, just for the release?  Wow, it has really been awhile, and for the past couple of weeks it has been intense and it has been SURPRISING and nasty and terrible.  I have spent ridiculous amounts of time trying to remember how I “got over that shit the last time.”  Hahahah!  Sorry, that’s funny, if you’ve been there, you know that.

And the answer to that — “how did I get over that shit the last time?” is, well…I don’t remember.  It’s a myriad of things, I have decided, that “gets one over” it.  Because you’re not really “getting over” it.  You’re more tamping it down, so that you don’t see it or hear it (until next time, right?) anymore.  I don’t think this stuff is every going to REALLY go away.  Like, AWAY, away.  It gets buried under other stuff, prettier stuff, healthier stuff, better stuff…you know, until next time.  And hopefully, the next time is a really, really long time away.  I think that’s really all I can hope for.  That the next time isn’t, ya know, tomorrow or next week or even, say, March.

What I do know is that the first thing I must personally do in order to “get over” this stuff, is to be ACTIVE in my pursuit of other feelings.  The passive push-away does not work for me, in ridding myself of these bad thoughts.  So, today I sought out good feelings, and actively pushed away bad feelings.

And today, January 31st, was a better day.

I went to church and sang very loudly.

LarBear and I went for a long drive.

I ate good food that was also healthy.

I talked to a friend.

I set boundaries with someone I have been meaning to set.

I made positive plans for the future, near and far.

I am blogging.

I have set my mind against taking other people’s crap into my own mind.

I have promised myself to try and stay out of bed, as a coping mechanism.

These are the things I did today.  I have many more plans for the start of February, and definitely do expect that I *may* have some success, just as I expect I *may* have some setbacks.  Part of getting better is making a conscious decision to get better, and that is something that I CAN do, that I HAVE done, that I AM doing.

 

 

 

 

Ten Things of Thankful — Found It!

With a little push to my brain, and fingers flying fast over Google Search, I remembered the key words that I needed to find this prompt last week (that I unfortunately couldn’t find until about five minutes ago), and am now back in business doing a link-up for thankfulness.  Woot!

So because the point of this post is to get down the the nitty-gritty right away, let’s talk about what was keeping me thankful and grateful this week:

1. Sunlamps, and the realization that I do NOT have to keep skipping out on my psychiatrist.  I am supposed to go in when I am feeling bad or off, so that is what I will do!
2. The knowledge that a dear friend’s Thanksgiving went much better this year than in year’s past.
3. Knowing that volunteering ourselves to go to the big shindig for the Big Dawg’s side of the family probably got him out and away from the TV and a frozen dinner.
4. Was able to see my nephew and really bond over the last week, and have plans to see him again on Wednesday.
5. Much less discord between LarBear and I, which I attribute to both of us listening more, communicating more, and being more patient…also thanks to therapy, for the both of us.
6. The YMCA pass Dad is providing LarBear and I.  I did water walking yesterday and am very sore, but determined to keep up with it.
7. A little extra money (I hope) to get caught up on buying some personal hygiene items.
8. Two happy, healthy dogs
9. It appears the new infusion that LarBear is taking for Crohn’s is working.
10. Starting to have relationship again with stepdad

 

 

This Week in Gratitude

I used to do a link-up that was a 10-things of thankful, and I did quite enjoy doing it every weekend.  The format has changed now, and I can’t find any linkups, so I decided that at the end of every week, I will go out on my own and do a gratitude post.  There are so many things out there to be thankful for, yet it is easy to not bring them to one’s consciousness in a mindful way.  SO, this is part DBT exercise, part because-I-wanna exercise, and mostly because I want to remember the good stuff, for when the time are NOT so good.

Without further adeiu:

1.  This week, I am thankful for the four-cup coffee pot my mom purchased for me.  I had a huge coffeepot before, and the result was always that I would drink the entire contents every morning, which would leave me sick.  Ok, so yes, no self-control.  To remedy the situation, I gave up caffeine, but have started to miss it oh-so-much, so this is the solution.  The theory — the less coffee that is made, the less I will drink.
2. LarBear has been a champ this week (well, every week), but especially this week, with helping me get a caffeine fix every morning even when there was no coffee pot.  I’m not sure why a large coffee at McDonald’s must cost $1.95, but it is clear we will be saving money now with brewing it at home.  Oh, and LarBear can avoid going out in 25 degree weather, all for the sake of a cup of coffee.  I think he will appreciate that!
3. The very small mouse problem that started a couple weeks ago in my basement (this is what happens when you live in the country), is no more, after Mom’s boyfriend hooked us up with some poison.  I placed it carefully where the dogs couldn’t get to it and there has not been one sign of a mouse ever since.
4. I am thankful that I have found it within myself to continue to work on giving second chances and third chances and fourth chances to people in my life who, well, may not deserve it (from the outside looking in).  It can be really hard to give up on someone who has been around your entire life, although not impossible.
5. In a related thankfulness/gratitude moment, I am grateful that I can still see the good in most people, even when it is buried very deep below the surface.
6. I am excited about Thanksgiving plans, getting to see the Big Dawg’s side of the family, and possibly going to see my maternal grandfather’s side of the family a few days after the big Turkey Day.
7. Somewhat related, I am very grateful that I am *with it* enough to think about doing these things, and being around all of these people (that I am not used to).  Baby steps, Rosa.
8. I am grateful basketball season is upon us, and I have already made it to two games at the local college.  Go Bods!
9. I am thankful for interpersonal communication effectiveness skills learned in DBT, as it seems like LarBear and I get clearer with each other every day, and my other relationships continue to improve, as well.
10. I am grateful/thankful/proud that I have cranked out almost one post every other day for over a week, and don’t feel any signs of slowing down yet.  I am grateful people still read, still comment, still like, and still listen, even after all this time.  Some of my favorite people are my online blog friends, and I am glad I didn’t mess that up too terribly with my extended absence.

What are you grateful for this week?  Making these lists may seem a bit mundane now, but they are very helpful to look back on in the future when things might not be so rosy.  I know they have helped me tremendously!

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A Life Worth Living, Week One

Sometimes there is a good thing going, and it gets ruined by a handful of people.  That is what happened with me and Ten Things of Thankful.  I deign not to participate in it anymore, but I do feel like it is important to get some thankfuls out there at week’s end.

There is a saying in DBT, that you are working toward “a life worth living.”  Amen to that, because in the throes of all that hell and depression and anxiety and mixed episodes, it DOES NOT FEEL like you are living that life.  If you stick with it long enough, however, you start to find little happy flowers popping up in your flowerbeds and you can go out anytime you like and smell the wet earth and lightly-scented flowers.  That, my friend, is a life worth living.

 

The following are the events, people, dogs, and other things that made my life worth living this week:

1) Here, right now, in this moment — I can go to the grocery store by myself without massive panic and anxiety.  I even got myself some pretty good deals with the minimal amount of money I had to spend.  I am getting to a point where, *sometimes* I don’t need that boost to get there.  That is huge for me.

2) I thought I was going to lose a chat friend, and then I didn’t, and the chats are better than ever.  Not panicking, not pushing that person away, not going over the top…things I would have done before, they didn’t happen.  I processed it angry, I processed it slightly pissed, and then I processed it neutral.  In all things, neutral won out and wise mind prevailed.

3) I have made plans for the week.  I am having ice cream with Dad today, I am having dinner with my stepsister tomorrow, and I am having a make-up party with my best friend from high school on Tuesday.  I am looking forward to all three events and it makes me feel good that I can get out and do these things.  Having people around you who care helps create a life worth living.

4) All of my prescriptions are waiting for me at Walgreens.  This may seem like no big deal, but it took years of fighting several years ago to get me on the insurance I needed to afford my meds and it has taken years of fighting to deal with the Walgreens system and finally figure out what it was that I needed to do, on my part, to make sure my meds were there and ready and there were no problems.  Figuring things out like this create a life worth living.

5) Sometimes things come about that make you realize who your true friends are.  The ones that stay and listen and give advice, and the ones who can’t be bothered.  Learning which people to keep in your life and those which exist only so you can serve their every need, that is a big life lesson.  Sometimes the time comes when you have to “cut the fat” so to speak and let a few go.  Learning how to do this through effective communication is learned in DBT and builds more credence toward a life worth living.

 

I know I  have been blogging about DBT a lot lately, but it truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me, as far as my bipolar goes (well, except maybe Lithium 🙂  It is a good therapy for nearly every disorder, and the tenets really do help people even without the disorder.  All you have to do is practice the skills, and the happiness will come.

If you’re feeling froggy, feel free to link up to this post with your own list of what made life worth living this week.  I would truly be honored.  Or, if you don’t want to do a list of your own, leave just one thing in the comments.

Ten Things of Thankful, Birthday Edition!

Remember, you can join Ten Things of Thankful by linking up with Liz at Considerings.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy (I’m not sure that’s how that goes, but I don’t really give an eff, because it rhymes. Just call me Big Dawg if that ain’t it.).

Banner is courtesty of Mental Mama, and that link will also take you directly to her TToT for the week.

Without any further adieu:

 

1)  Maybe I should have been like Mama and labeled mine “10 Things That Didn’t Suck This Week.”  That’s kind of how I’m feeling.  My first thankfully thank-you, though, IS to Mama.  We were chatting and I am pretty sure I was moaning about how I really just needed a six-pack of Budweiser Cheladas (I don’t drink), and she brought DBT right into the picture.  Practice opposite to emotion.  My main emotion right now is intense anger and anxiety, directed at ol’ DSB (who can do nothing about all the shitty things he has done, even if he wanted to), so I am doing TToT because it makes me joyful and hopeful.  You get that — joyful and hopeful being opposite to anger and anxiety?  Sometimes I forget.  😦

 

2)  I am thankful for the support of my family.  I promise, this TToT will not be a rerun, because I always mention family, but it’s just THAT DAMN IMPORTANT.  My family is everything to me and sometimes, I lose sight of how hard this is on THEM, to always be there for me, someone who has special and magical bipolar powers.  For a perfect explanation, go to yesterday’s entry and read the comment from QueenofDaNile (mom).  I read that this morning and it made total sense.  For the first time in a long time, actually, it made sense.  I would copy and paste, but you wouldn’t get the full effect unless you read the post, as well.

 

3)  I am thankful for large packages of toilet paper and paper towels.  When  you’re buying them, you’re thinking, “Nine dollars?!  Really?!” but it’s so nice to rarely run out.  Thank you, Madre, for teaching me this invaluable lesson (and buying the last package of TP!)

 

4)  I am thankful my sister is going to come help me clean this gawdawful mess up on the 10th.  I’m nervous, too, though.  What if she sees the squalor and runs?  What if I can’t keep up?  Ok, frankly, what happens when I can’t keep up?  I just keep remembering her words, “I love you unconditionally.”  “I would never judge you.”  Okay, breathing in and out now.  In, out, in, out.

5) Feeling a bit more frivolous as we go, and not to say that TToT is frivolous, but let’s all eat a piece of cake this weekend, because it is TToT’s 1st birthday!  I am so thankful I found this gem and I look forward to it every week.  I have missed a couple of times and I was always so disappointed when I didn’t make the deadline.

 

6) I am thankful for all the new toiletries and laundry stuff that my dad hooked me up with.  I am smelling clean all the way around, and I kinda like it.  The people around me probably appreciate it as well.  I hate to shower, and the soaps he bought me are very motivating.  And who knew that buying Tide would be a big difference after buying the $7 Purex all these years?  And having dryer sheets again has been phenomenal.  Now if I just had some elves to come put all this laundry away!

7) I am thankful that I was too lazy tonight to go and spend my grocery money on ice cream.  I really reaaaaaallly wanted a salted caramel shake from Sonic, a little bit of heaven, but I resisted.  That’s $2 I’ll have to buy healthier stuff with, and I’m not packing extra poundage onto my rear end.

 

8) I am extremely thankful that the Kizz Wizz was not injured and did not escape when a huge limb came crashing out of a tree in my back yard a couple days ago.  It happened while I was at work, and I was beyond relieved to see her trotting out her doggie door toward me.  Big thanks also to the tree service who were here the next day and totally took care of things in a matter of hours, including cleaning up after themselves.  The Big Dawg came and put the fence back up, and now we’re in business.

Not my yard, but a branch just that big!

9) I am thankful for all suggestions for new music.  After DSB, I am so sick to death of country that I could spit.  It’s on the radio all the time at work, all the presets in my car are set to it (there is not a decent radio station anywhere around here), and the only times I can get away are either with silence or Pandora.  Too bad Pandora doesn’t come in your car…or does it?

 

10) Last but not least, I am very pleased that my local library APPEARS to have the entire Jack Reacher collection, as well as one other (that I’m blanking on the name of, but that Marilyn recommended).  And that’s where I’m headed.  I no longer feel angry (in the name of opposite-to-emotion, Mama!).  I feel like I need to lay a good long while in bed and get my book read, as it will be auto-returned for me on the 2nd.

 

 

 

No Begging

Today is the day before the big US Thanksgiving Day.  For years, I have traditionally spent this day with QoB, cooking and cooking and cooking some more.  For the most part we have a really good time, so this year that I am not feeling like doing it, I also feel very guilty.

I don’t think I can muster up merry, today.  Today has been very difficult.  For those not aware, I am on Day THREE (and yes, I did capitalize it because I think it’s just that important) of not smoking and it has been pretty rough on me, and those around me, really.  There is a big part of me that wants to say screw it, but an even bigger part of me that wants to succeed.

I went to a basketball game with my dad last night, something I really did not want to do.  It had been a long day and I knew that today would be long as well, but I went anyway.  And had a fabulous time.  It is so refreshing to not have to trek out to the farther reaches of the university just to smoke a cig in 15 degree weather with people you not only don’t know, but are fierce rivals against.  Goodbye hostile awkwardness!  Now if I can just not smoke, I can continue to enjoy that tradition.

Dad gave me lots of compliments: I smell better, I’m dressed nicer, my teeth look better (had them cleaned the Monday I quit…it is a very smart decision for anyone wanting to quit, very motivating).  I could tell he was very proud and that means a lot to me.

But that is not what this post is about.  This post is about pre-Thanksgiving and why I’m just not feeling it.

My partner in crime, DSB, is not doing Thanksgiving with us this year.  He is planning to stay home with the dogs and do, well, he’s not sure what.  I’m pretty sure it won’t be productive and I’m doubting, with the groceries we have in the fridge, that he’s going to have a great meal.  He just doesn’t care.  What that feels like is that he doesn’t care about me and my feelings.  What I know to be true is that he hates the holidays and going would make him uncomfortable.  So I go to Thanksgiving and I suck it up and I say I am grateful for DSB and my family, and all the while just wish DSB was there so we could make fun of the Big Dawg while he cuts the turkey and look at my sister’s big pregnant belly and speciulate about her due date and watch mom run around like a chicken with her head cut off.

So no, it’s really not ok that he’s not coming, but he is a big boy and he can make his own decisions.  I already posted, posts ago, that I wasn’t going to ask him to come.  He knows I want him to come and I, regardless of what that last post says, I have asked him.  I just haven’t begged him or told him what it does to me that he isn’t going.  And I’m not going to because I don’t think he would do that to me.

So for Thanksgiving, I feel grateful but sad.  I am hoping that by the end of Thanksgiving tomorrow, that I feel more grateful than sad, but that’s for another blog post.