By Next Thanksgiving, I Will Be Thankful For…

Made it through Turkey Day by the skin of my teeth.  If you have to wonder about that one, check back through the last few posts, and I’ll also give a recap.  DSB and I arguing.  Day Five of quitting smoking.  Ungrateful children at Mom’s Thanksgiving.  Dad and therapist stoking the fires of mine and DSB’s arguments.  Much angst about all sorts of things, really.  Anything that could be angsted over, was, again and again.

And now we’re done, right?  I mean, like until next year.  All of this familial stress and jonesing for a smoke and self-doubt in the brain and people influencing you to pick fights with your significant other…it’s all done for this year, right?  Well, I wish it was, and maybe part of it can be, if we just work at it a little bit.

I have never been one for New Years Eve resolutions, and I’m not going to start this year.  What I am going to do is start a new list…a list of everything I hope to be thankful for by Thanksgiving 2014.  This list, of course, is not all-inclusive, but it covers the big ones.  And to you naysayers out there who say I should be thankful for what I have, well, I am.  Thankful, that is.  I am thankful also that I can dream and hope for a bigger, brighter future, which is what this list is all about.

In no particular order, I give you the “By Next Thanksgiving (2014), I’ll be thankful for…”

1) A brand new addition to our family.  My sister and husband are having a little boy and the entire family is ecstatic.

2) Newer and deeper understanding of DSB, that I hope to gain through mind control, bribery, and long and meaningful chats.

3) An improved relationship with my mother, in that she stops calling me her kitchen bitch, and I stop running home when she makes me feel like a child.

4) One year smoke free.  Can you imagine what the stats would be like?

5) A stellar Christmas 2013.  Whoo-boy, did you see the tree that Rose put up?! Zowwwiie!

6) The ability to walk at least 3 miles, starting in short stretches.

7) The health and happiness of the pups, especially watching over Rascal not getting heartworms again and Kizzie’s bum leg and skin allergies.  Hey, here’s to being thankful on Thanksgiving 2014 that Kizzie’s skin allergies have been figured out and we can stop feeding her Zyrtec to no avail.

8) Being able and trusted to take care of my nephew, on my own, for at least one hour.

9) DSB being smoke-free.  A girl can dream, right?

10) Domestic bliss, in that my house helps me along the way as I clean it.  Lovely hope and dream.

No Begging

Today is the day before the big US Thanksgiving Day.  For years, I have traditionally spent this day with QoB, cooking and cooking and cooking some more.  For the most part we have a really good time, so this year that I am not feeling like doing it, I also feel very guilty.

I don’t think I can muster up merry, today.  Today has been very difficult.  For those not aware, I am on Day THREE (and yes, I did capitalize it because I think it’s just that important) of not smoking and it has been pretty rough on me, and those around me, really.  There is a big part of me that wants to say screw it, but an even bigger part of me that wants to succeed.

I went to a basketball game with my dad last night, something I really did not want to do.  It had been a long day and I knew that today would be long as well, but I went anyway.  And had a fabulous time.  It is so refreshing to not have to trek out to the farther reaches of the university just to smoke a cig in 15 degree weather with people you not only don’t know, but are fierce rivals against.  Goodbye hostile awkwardness!  Now if I can just not smoke, I can continue to enjoy that tradition.

Dad gave me lots of compliments: I smell better, I’m dressed nicer, my teeth look better (had them cleaned the Monday I quit…it is a very smart decision for anyone wanting to quit, very motivating).  I could tell he was very proud and that means a lot to me.

But that is not what this post is about.  This post is about pre-Thanksgiving and why I’m just not feeling it.

My partner in crime, DSB, is not doing Thanksgiving with us this year.  He is planning to stay home with the dogs and do, well, he’s not sure what.  I’m pretty sure it won’t be productive and I’m doubting, with the groceries we have in the fridge, that he’s going to have a great meal.  He just doesn’t care.  What that feels like is that he doesn’t care about me and my feelings.  What I know to be true is that he hates the holidays and going would make him uncomfortable.  So I go to Thanksgiving and I suck it up and I say I am grateful for DSB and my family, and all the while just wish DSB was there so we could make fun of the Big Dawg while he cuts the turkey and look at my sister’s big pregnant belly and speciulate about her due date and watch mom run around like a chicken with her head cut off.

So no, it’s really not ok that he’s not coming, but he is a big boy and he can make his own decisions.  I already posted, posts ago, that I wasn’t going to ask him to come.  He knows I want him to come and I, regardless of what that last post says, I have asked him.  I just haven’t begged him or told him what it does to me that he isn’t going.  And I’m not going to because I don’t think he would do that to me.

So for Thanksgiving, I feel grateful but sad.  I am hoping that by the end of Thanksgiving tomorrow, that I feel more grateful than sad, but that’s for another blog post.