I Sing Because I’m Free

It will be two weeks this Wednesday that my Grandma passed.  I feel like I am still dealing with the aftermath, but things get better every day.  I went back to Mass this past Sunday and it was really helpful.  I wish I had taken RCIA this past fall, but there’s always next year.  I guess I just wasn’t ready at the time.

My buddy, Pond Princess, has loaned me her rosary and I am learning to pray it.  I find it very soothing and like the prayers I am meditating on are being heard.  I just keep praying for God to make me willing, and to help me to turn things over to Him.  In some ways, I am very willing, in other ways, very willful.  It is a daily struggle to take things as they come, without trying to orchestrate my own life.  It’s all about letting go and floating.

I have been trying all I can do to use the skills that DBT has given me.  I am staying busy, and working constantly at turning my mind from the pain.  I accomplished a lot over the weekend, and that feels good.  I am also using sacred self and trying to take care of myself.  My sleep and eating has been out of whack, but I know that will settle down if I just get back into my routine.  It’s the getting there that’s the hard part.

Prayers for Pond Princess’ mom and more for my family, as it seems we keep going through the death and dying of our loved ones.  If you don’t pray, give some thought or light a candle for us.  My family and I feel loved and blessed by all of our friends, and I know that right now we are leaning hard on all of you.

Lauryn Hill and Tanya Blount, His Eyes are On the Sparrow

 

Snap Out of It

I have had several good days in a row, so I am thinking that the mixed state is passing.  Finally.  I attribute it to spending time with people I love, talking.talking.talking with Dr. Love, getting the houses in order, and therapy.  It has really been a turning of the mind.  Sometimes you just have to “act as if.”

As I mentioned, the houses are coming together.  We heard back from the appraiser on the old house and it is not being valued at nearly what we think it should be.  If we sell now, we wouldn’t get back the investment and work we have put into it, so we’re not selling.  We are going to rent for now, and hope that the market gets better someday and we can sell.

QoB, Big Dog, Dr. Love, and I are headed to the old house to spruce it up a little and make it more rent-able.  We are going to put in some quarter-round in a few places that need it, caulk the bathroom, and lay new linoleum in the bathroom.  I’m sure we’ll come up with a few other projects, too, but that’s where we’re starting.  QoB and Big Dog both say we won’t be there all afternoon and night, so that’s positive.  I’ve been getting burned out on the non-stop working.

We took yesterday afternoon off and I got a lot accomplished at the new house.  I also took a nap, which was much needed.  Even though I have been getting plenty of sleep, I’ve felt so very tired.  I attribute it to all of the hard work and busy-ness of the last few weeks.  That, and the heat.  The heat just sucks it right out of you and we have been in a heat advisory for the past couple of weeks, maybe longer.  It has been a very hot summer.

It seems that Kizz is liking and adjusting well to her new food.  I am still mixing it with the old, but I noticed today that she had picked all of the new food out and left the old.  Guess she is trying to tell me she is ready to make the switch completely.  She is soooo getting a bath this weekend, even if it kills us.  She ended up with a hot-spot by her tail but it is getting better.  Really have to keep an eye on that dog with her itchy skin or she’d be bald.

The anniversary of Grandpa’s death is coming up later this month.  I do miss him but I have come a long way in accepting his death and coming to terms.  I am not saying that I won’t be affected and am not being affected, I am just saying that it is easier to deal with and that is a good thing.

Things for Dr. Love and I have been going really fabulously.  We are communicating, spending quality time together, and really enjoying each other’s company.  I think it is safe to say that we are through the rough patch and are moving on to higher ground, safe from flood waters of despair and despondency.

Basically, life as I know it is good, and even when the tough moments get a-going, I am able to pull myself out.  Just put some ice on it, ok?

Little old school throw-back:

City High, What Would You Do