Don’t Live There: Get Up

 

 

 

melt down

 

As anybody who knows me or has talked to me in the last week or has done even a minimally good job at following this blog, ya’ll know the past week or two has been beyond the bounds of stress.  I may have snapped at a few people, been less than my cheerful self, become irritated by small things you asked me to do, seemed overwhelmed at a task that wasn’t that big, not returned your calls, or avoided you all together.

Right here, right now:  I intend to fix that.  Like the picture above says, “cry it out and then refocus on where you are headed.”  Well, I think, after tonight, I’ll be done crying it out, at least for a little while.  I could say for a week or a day or a month, but we all know what Father Time can do and how Mother Earth likes to smack us upside the head sometimes, maybe when we’re getting a little too proud or confident.

 

bad day

It’s easy to generalize a bad day into a bad year, for sure.  Especially at the start of the year, when not much time has passed.  It has not been a great year for DSB’s health.  There was the abcess from the kidney removal, the subsequent surgery to remove the abcess, and then, to add insult to injury, a wound vac that must be changed three times a week by a registered nurse.  And now a (going on 5-day) stint in the hospital with pneumonia.  DSB’s 2014 has been unpleasant, medically speaking.

While it’s safe to say that DSB has not had a stellar start to 2014, I can’t take that on as my own.  To generalize that to myself, to say that dearest Rosa has not had a stellar start to 2014, would be a lie that only I would tell myself.  That I have sometimes told myself time and time again, when things between DSB and I were not going well.  Because when someone is sick and someone is tending, tensions grow.  When someone is sick, the other person worries and stress rises.  But Rosa has not  had a bad start to 2014.  Some amazing things have  happened, and I think I have chronicled some of them in my TToT posts.

To, me, I can feel like the woman in that picture above.  I can sense the wonder at the rising or setting sun, the yellowed grasses around me, the sky, the very being of myself.  Some truly wondrous things have happened to me so far this year.  I have:

1) Formed and continued solid friendships with my bloggie friends.

2) Solidified my love for DSB, by choosing right over wrong, trust over lies, consideration for the other over self-indulgence.

3) Forged deeper connections with my inner voice.  I can let that voice out now, and have it be heard, and not worry (too much), about what effect that voice is going to  have on a person that chooses willingly to read what I have written.

4) Given up trying to hide myself from the one who has always hunted me.

5) Learned to forgive, not to forget.  Learned to trade in anxiety and lonesomeness and uncertainty in a fatherly relationship for compassion for what that person must be going through at this time.  We are all human, even dads.

6) Learned to separate myself from that which is negative in my life.  I choose not to have negativity in my life, and won’t tolerate it.  Even if this means giving up people that I thought I cared about.

7) Started to open myself up to the possibility of rejection.  Making jokes, telling fish stories, and selling bait isn’t as easy as you might think.  There is a world of nuance within those walls.

8) Decided to stop counting my breaths as I am trying to fall asleep, and instead to just.breathe.  In, out.  Don’t say it, don’t think it, just do it.  Appreciate the feel of the air through your nose, through your mouth, the rise and fall of your chest, the tickle in your throat.  Don’t put a word on it, just be, just do.

To celebrate, let’s take a listen to my second most favorite meditation practice, singing bowls.  And let’s be honest, Goddess of Mindfulness, my first pick is always the metal, but nowhere else can I get those bowls.  They are addictive and the stories you told me on Wednesday left happy traces of puppies and friends and love on my heart.  Bless you.

Please note that these are quartz singing bowls and they have a very special place in my heart.  If you can (after you get through the commercial-ish first section), do take a listen.  Take off your shoes, set your feet on the floor, sit upright, and breathe.  You can do this.  You really can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Can Make It Through Anything, With You

Things have seriously been hectic around here, getting ready for the holidays, making plans, cancelling plans, changing plans, making more plans, plans, plans, plans.  I figure that since everyone is asleep (QoB included, since 8:00 p.m….she must have finally eaten dinner, bwhahaha!), now would be a good time to crank out a post, as I have not done so in a few days.

It looks like it will be a busy week.  We have inventory at the store, DSB’s surgery on the 2nd, and still Christmas to celebrate again, x2.  DSB and I started our own tradition to open presents on Christmas Eve.  He loved his Dixie horn thing-a-ma-jigger for his truck and was proudly wearing his “Don’t Tread On Me” hat today.  I am enjoying some lovely Yankee candles and a new votive holder.  And then QoB and the Big Dawg surprised me with a dishwasher (that is totally going to change my life), which DSB will install as another part of his Christmas gift to me.

I don’t like the saying, “I feel so blessed.”  I really feel like it is overused and cliched to death, although it might state accurately how you’re feeling.  But even though I don’t like the feeling, I see where the emotion comes from.  I truly am very fortunate to have the people in my life that I do.  And, not being a spiritual person, it is odd for this to come out of my mouth, but I truly believe some special force put them in my life for a reason.  I would not be standing today without the three of them and I do thank the universe for them every night.

I was getting stressed out tonight, talking to my mom and DSB, and my mom left the room for a minute.  He looked at me and said, “Rose, you know that everything is really going to be all right.”  He says that all the time, and I guess I don’t listen, but this time I really heard him.  His eyes were looking into mine so intensely, and it is almost like the words reverberated through my very being.  My heart almost broke right in half, because I know, as long as I have him, everything really will be ok.  I’m getting teary just thinking about the conversation.  And I told him that.  That, yes, as long as I had him, things would always be okay.

It is a beautiful thing that lets us believe in a person so strongly, with so little doubt.  I know he will always take care of me and that I will always take care of him.  I know he’s not going anywhere and neither am I.  I know that, through our spats and slight failings in life, we still have each other and we will always push through the bullshit to get to the real root of the problem so it can be fixed.  I truly do believe that, with DSB by my side, I can make it through anything.