The Curse of Never Being Satisfied

Halloween is upon us in just one short day.  I am proud to say that I have purchased no Halloween candy, and have not eaten any Halloween candy, other than one Reese’s PB cup that called my name for days until I gave in.  Candy isn’t really my downfall.  My downfall is biscuits and gravy, cheeseburgers, and anything with cheese.

My Weight Watchers weigh-in is tomorrow and I am interested, but not excited.  I am assuming that these steroids are what is making me feel starved all of the time.  I was just reviewing my progress for the week and, Monday thru Thursday I was super-good.  Friday and Saturday were not so good.  This is how it usually trends.  I think that if I can stay away from beer today and not give into this killer urge to get a DQ Pumpkin Pie Blizzard, then tomorrow will be just fine.  And if not, weight is just a number.  I feel thinner, people are commenting about my weight loss, and my clothes are looser.

So, the title of today’s blog, “The Curse of Never Being Satisfied.”  When I sit down to blog, I have all of these ideas running through my head of what I want to write about.  I’m not an organized blogger, where each post is about one topic.  It’s more of a mish-mash and that’s just how I write.  Words come from my fingers almost faster than I can get them out of my head.  I have the tendency to set my title before I type my blog, so sometimes they don’t match.  I rarely go back and change the titles.

I went to my step-sister’s house today to see my niece and check out her new digs.  It’s a tiny house, but she has it decorated very nicely and, while it is not my style, it is very homey.  She has even decorated for fall, complete with hay bales, pumpkins, scarecrows, and the like.  When I went to her house, I felt jealous that she had everything “just-so” and I still don’t have any pictures hung up.  It was kind of depressing.  I even heard these little whispers that told me that my house didn’t measure up.

Then I came home, and that is SO not true.  My house is way cuter, much bigger, has a better layout, and is super-spacious in comparison.  It just isn’t decorated to the 9’s.  It has great light in every room, and I have a lot of nice antique furniture.  The wall colors are all picked out by me, and I feel at home in every single room.  This is the perfect house for me, on the perfect plot of land, and I really wouldn’t have it any other way.  I will get it all decorated eventually, and until then, it still rocks.

Funny how our mind can trick us.  Just yesterday I felt so good about getting my few “big” purchases made for the weekend (gas, dog food, cigs) and didn’t think I needed another thing.  Today, I feel like I need to go to Walmart and buy a tea kettle because a cup in the microwave just isn’t good enough.  I get silly with money like that, and it is sometimes all I can do not to just spend spend spend.  So, I am not going to any stores today.

I looked at recipes today, thinking that I would really like to do some cooking.  But why would I do that?  I have dinner in the freezer, more QoB leftovers, good as the day they came off the stove.  I have some things I could make out of the groceries I already have, but nothing sounds good, except for ham and beans and cornbread, which I will likely have tomorrow when QoB returns from the lake. Eating leftovers saves me money, saves QoB from throwing out huge quantities of food, and I don’t have to cook (which I love and hate, at the same time).  I think I would feel better about it right now if I had been helping her more lately, but deep inside my brain I know the reason for not helping much has been that I have been sick.  I’m tired of being sick, have I mentioned?

In fact, I’m so tired of it, that I have decided at this very minute, that I am no longer sick.  I’m just done.  I will stifle every cough and sniffle, ignore every headache.  I will not complain anymore.  That’s my new goal for the week.  Acting as if I am well, will make me well.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it, nasty illness.  Just go the eff away.

Sheryl Crow, I Can’t Cry Anymore

 

Making it Click

I must admit, blogging is addictive.  Especially when you have some free time.  I spent the morning changing the appearance of the blog, using a new thing-a-ma-jigger that I found.  I think they’re called templates, but I could be wrong.  I left up the header picture that was on there, because it’s pretty, but not really “me.”  I have this fabulous little digital camera now and I am pretty sure I can get some great fall pics taken in my own backyard.  The trees are starting to turn and it’s gorgeous.

The new house is technically “in-town;” however, just across the street is considered outside the city limits.  There is a big patch of forested area very close to my house, and I have a humongous back yard with lots of trees and other prettiness.  I even have a huge asparagus patch that looks very mature and a stand of concord grapes.  Unfortunately, it seems that my neighbors’ have picked all of the grapes, so I will be putting up a sign because I am SO not sharing my asparagus. 

It has been a rather painful weekend for me.  I had to have a cyst removed on my lower back and have been back to the urgent care clinic three times since Saturday mid-day to have it drained and re-packed.  My fingers are crossed that I don’t have MRSA, but they sent in a sample to be cultured and I should know for sure by Tuesday.  Wonder what work would say if I did have MRSA?  Questions to be answered on Tuesday.

I am really rediscovering blogging here in the past couple of days.  It is something that I have missed doing regularly and never make time for.  I think it is high time that I start again.  Many thanks go out to Pasha for prompting and reminding me what a joy it is.  WordPress has really changed their site, so there may be a few little glitches here and there.  There is now a place where you can “like” a post on FB.  I am not sure I really want that up there, because I don’t want my work friends reading this.  Thinking I will just leave that one alone.

Speaking of FB, I have really been getting out of that scene lately.  I still read it, but find myself posting less frequently.  I get annoyed by people who complain on FB, and I don’t want everyone to know my business, so I generally just end up saying something goofy or replying to others’ goofy posts.  I have put a few pictures of my dogkids up and they seem to be well received.  It seems like that is a lot of what FB is about — showing off your kids/grandkids/etc.

So, as I said in my last post, I am looking for winter projects, doing much better when I have “missions.”  I have a little list going on my home computer and am adding a few more things.  I recently started reading again a blog that a friend of mine puts out.  She blogs religiously and seems to really love it.  She is always doing crafty things with her kids and she reminds me a lot of my mom in that respect.  Much love to you Adriana!

Adriana is another reason I am blogging.  I am interested in keeping up with what old friends are doing, and I would like for some old friends to know what is going on with me.  I am not a hugely social person, don’t go to bars or parties, but like to keep in touch with a few people.  I have a friend who is getting ready to have a baby and I am really excited to be back in touch with her.  We were Rocky and Bullwinkle back in the day, and even now when we get together we’re chatting nonstop, finishing each other’s sentences.

In other news, I started Weight Watchers a little over a month ago.  Prior to that, I was using SparkPeople and tracking what I ate.  Since the beginning of SparkPeople and into Weight Watchers, I have lost almost 25 pounds.  It is amazing how that small amount of weight off can make you feel so wonderful.  I have more energy, my clothes are getting baggy, and I am fitting into things I haven’t work in over a year.  I am more active and feel happier, not guilty all the time and feeling physically ill from eating crap and laying around.  For me, Weight Watchers is easy because you can eat anything you want and you have weekly support and pep-talks.  The website has what is called “E-Tools” and you can do all of your point tracking there, read success stories, build a recipe, search recipes, and read all kinds of interesting articles.  I am really loving it and what it has done for me so far.  I have not set a final goal, but am working on my first five percent.  After that I’ll go for another five percent, and then another and another, and so on.  I have a huge tupperware container and three large boxes of very cute clothes that will be fitting within the next 25 to 50 pounds I lose.  So very exciting!!

I found a great-looking recipe on The Sphors Are Multiplying called Slow Cooker Chicken Chili Verde.  I am making that in the crock-pot tomorrow with a few changes.  I am really loving fall and the idea of having dinner made at the end of the day by dumping a few things in a crock-pot in the morning.  Next up is pork chops in sauerkraut.  Served with a baked potato, it just doesn’t get any better. 

Not really about food, but cute nonetheless…

Kate Nash, Pumpkin Soup

Long Overdue

Well, here I am…appears that I made it through winter without too many glitches.  The last month has seen lots of changes, most for the better.  Since it has been so long since I have posted, and I have so many things on my mind, this could be a long one.

Dr. Love and I broke up about three weeks ago.  It was probably a long time coming and I shouldn’t have been as shocked as I was.  Things hadn’t been bad, but there hadn’t been much happiness, joy, or love.  It had come to the point where we were mostly roommates, forced to share space, both of us being annoyed about it.  The breakup has been for the best, and has really awakened me to some changes I will have to make in my life if I want it to be a long, happy one.

Exactly two days after Dr. Love and I broke up, I rescued a very cute, sweet, terribly skinny and abused female Yorkie from a nearby city.  She had been dumped on a gravel road out in the country, and somehow made it to a farm where she was picked up by the family that lived there and taken temporarily to their sister’s house inside the city.  I found out about her through an email that was sent out by one of my mom’s co-workers and then sent to me.  I knew at once that I had to have her.

She was getting used to me, getting accustomed to Kizzie, and then last weekend I went to visit my sister.  QoB watched Birdie for me, and I anticipated no problems, but she is a very skittish dog.  Everything was going fine at QoB’s with Birdie and mom’s other dogs, when Birdie went walk-about around 8:00 p.m. on Saturday night.  I was heartbroken.  When I hadn’t received a call (she had a tag on and I filed a missing dog report with the local shelter) by Tuesday, I was convinced that she was gone forever.  It had snowed on Sunday night and I just didn’t see how that tiny dog could have made it.  My best hope was that someone picked her up and decided to keep her.

Much to my surprise, I received a call around 9:30 p.m. on Wednesday asking if I had lost my dog.  I was dumbfounded and in shock.  I had really written Birdie off, believing I would never see her again.  I went and picked her up and she was a mess.  She had lost all of the weight I had been able to put on her, and was covered in cockleburrs.  And of course, was filthy dirty.  She was so excited to see me, though, and I was overwhelmed.  I had said that I was going to get rid of her if I got her back, because I couldn’t deal with all of that drama and heartbreak.  When I brought her home, she got into a fight with Kizzie, which strengthened my resolve to find her another home.

By the following evening, after spending about 20 minutes with Birdie and Kizzie together, seeing how happy Birdie was, how happy I was to be around her, and how good it was to see Kizzie so excited, I knew that I was going to keep her and nurse her back to health, physically and emotionally.  This poor dog has been through hell and back.  When she was found, she was over a mile from where she had went missing.  I firmly believed that God wanted me to have this dog.  I don’t care how corny that sounds.  I believe.

With Dr. Love gone, I am trying to figure out what makes me happy. I keep telling everyone, “I’m fine, I’m great,” and maybe in some ways I am.  I feel more free, but I experience terrible loneliness and cry often.  I have spent a lot of time in my life being alone, and doing fine with it — it has been awhile though.  I know it will come in time.  I have to remind myself that I am grieving something that I had always thought would get better and last forever.

One of the things I know I am going to have to do if I want to attain any level of happiness is to stop f’ing with my Cymbalta.  I have taken it, it has worked well, and then I stop.  I just stop and I don’t know why.  Ok, I do know why…I feel better.  I convince myself that it is something other than Cymbalta that makes me feel good, and I just stop.  When the low days hit, I blame it on a lack of sleep or the weather.  It is not the friggin’ weather.  It is a damn chemical imbalance in my brain that can be righted with a small blue and white pill and I am so willful in this area it kills me.

In other “let’s-try-to-be-happy” news, I have been walking, eating right, trying to lose weight.  The progress is slow, and the knees are painful, but I want to live for a very long time and that isn’t going to happen if I don’t get at least some of this weight off.  I want to be more active and not be so restricted by my size.  I know I can get there.

I tried to quit smoking on January 10th and it is a damn uphill battle ever since.  Some days are better than others, some worse.  I just keep trying.  That’s all I can do.

I have been thinking about getting involved in a local church.  I feel that I had forsaken God for years, and find that He has not forsaken me.  I am humbly grateful for all I have and all I can give.  I’m sure there will be more on this topic later, as I try to find a church that I enjoy.  For now, talking to God makes me feel more whole than I can remember.

Jeff Buckley, Hallelujah

This is the song I wanted to put for this blog, but couldn’t find a video I could embed.  Try this link.

What I Need

I realized yesterday that I haven’t done a single mindfulness exercise since I moved into this new house.  Additionally, it seems I have stopped practicing mindfulness all together, here within the past however long.  At least that’s what it feels like.

I have started to notice that I am having a lot of intrusive and obsessive thoughts.  They spiral, they go out of control, they so go there.  And then back again.  And then there.  I have become stuck inside of my own brain.  There is a part of me that wants to get out, and a part of me that would rather just stay there.

I have been doing some evaluating of my health here in the last month or so.  I feel like shit.  My weight has gotten to the point that it is keeping me from doing things I once enjoyed, and also keeping me from things necessary to function.  It’s not pretty.

I am considering Lap-Band surgery.  I have had a weight problem since I was young, and have tried to control that problem since I was in my mid-teens.  I go up and down, up and down.  Off and on Weight Watchers, trying low-carb, joining a gym, buying a Bowflex, taking diet pills, exercising into pain and then relapsing on food.  Nothing has given me the results I desire.  And I don’t desire to be thin.  I just want to be able to function again.  I want to have energy and I want to be healthy for years to come.

It has been quite an experience for me, reading all of the forums and literature about Lap-Band.  It is anxiety-provoking, because I wonder if I can do it, and it is exciting because it is a new possibility.  I would have to radically change how I eat and live.  I would have to do that anyway in order to lose any weight.

If I don’t want to end up dead at 35, I will have to radically change my eating and exercise patterns, whether I get a Lap-Band or not.  I question if I can do it.  I wonder if my overall life pattern of apathy toward improving my health can change.  I am asking the question and not getting an answer.

I am going to a seminar on Saturday about the procedure.  Hopefully that will help me decide if this is something I want to do and something I think I can do.  I want to be sure.  This is serious.

If this blog seems forced, that’s because it is.

Sometimes, I have to practice a little opposite-to-emotion to get through all that willfulness I have churning inside me.

ABC 123

Life has been quite the struggle later.  Between crippling anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, negative tapes, and insecurity, it’s been miserable.  I think I had a real wake-up call when I realized I was spending five to six nights per week at QoB’s house, calling Goddess of Mindfulness frequently, and being told to get a grip by my med doc.  Sometimes you don’t realize how bad it is getting until you’re already there.

So, I made a conscious decision to do things to make myself feel better.  I have started taking my Cymbalta regularly.  I am doing my sunlamp every morning.  I have tried to decrease my dependence on QoB and Big Dog by not going over every night, and instead, getting things done around my house.  Staying busy has been the key.

I know that both Dr. Love and QoB say it is ok to just “hang” but there are so many things that I want to do that I haven’t been doing due to the lack of motivation that depression and anxiety brings, that it is feeling good to get caught up.

I have cleaned the top two levels of my house, and it’s just a matter of time before I get the basement finished.  I’ve tackled some small projects that have been bugging me, and have been working at building mastery by cooking.  I have also really been working on mindfulness, especially in regards to my eating habits.  I find that if I pay attention, I am not really hungry during the times when I was usually eating.

It doesn’t take as much as I think it does to feel satisfied, and the integration of some new-found foods has much helped.  I was really in a rut with eating junk food and am now eating a lot of vegetables and some fruit.  I have also been concentrating on eating whole grains, and limiting sugar and salt.  No more empty carbs!

For example, I have been eating a lot of spinach salads, squash, sweet potatoes, brown rice, chicken breast, and the like.  I am making a meatloaf for dinner tonight that isn’t particularly healthy (covered in bacon), but it’s for Dr. Love and he deserves some good comfort food, taking a break from eating work food.  I fully believe that I can be rational about the meatloaf and just eat a normal portion.  YES I CAN!

Sacred self has also been a big part in feeling better.  I took Kizz for a walk last night and am trying to get into that routine.  I bought myself some new shower stuff and am spending time doing things that I enjoy.  Some of the skills mix together, but it never ceases to amaze me how much they work.  I am not keeping a diary card, but maybe I should be.

Back to basics, baby.  Goddess of Mindfulness and the IOP program gave me the greatest gift — my DBT skills — and they are something I can always bring more focus onto when the going gets rough.  It’s just getting around the willfulness that depression and anxiety create.

Keane, Somewhere Only We Know

Just Like A Grizzly Bear

I am feeling rather pissy this morning.  It may be due to the fact that I slept like crap.  Apparently I was sleeping a little too deeply last night and had drank too many fluids right before bed.  You get the idea.  Bleh.

I’m sitting in my bird room with the two parrots I have quasi-inherited/taken over since Gav has been in the nursing home.  I love these birds and I don’t know if he really gets that.  I hope he does, hope he doesn’t move to Mobile, hope my birdies don’t go away.  I suppose I would come to an understanding if that were the way it would go, but it would make me feel like crap.

This weekend wasn’t terribly remarkable.  We went to a street festival with an amazing fireworks show on Saturday with my step-sister (my new bestest friend) and her husband.  It was fun, but DAMN, it was hot.  It was good to get out, though, even if it did mean that I stayed up way too late two days in a row. 

I am getting a lot out of my Pandora lately and have been featuring songs from it the last couple of posts.  I am actually getting a lot out of blogging, as well.  No promises that I can keep it up, but I’m gonna try.  Just like anything, it’s hard to get into a routine.

I know I’d like to get into an exercise routine.  I was thinking about joining Weight Watchers, but have decided against it.  I have done almost everything possible throughout my lifetime to lose weight.  I’ve done diet pills, drank shakes, done Weight Watchers, and so on and so forth.  Nothing has ever had a lasting effect.  I know when I was feeling my best, I was just watching what I ate (through counting WW points) and walking my dog. 

The plan is to go purchase some points books at WW and get out and walk the dog.  It would be easier if the heat index wasn’t 105 degrees when I got home, but I can come up with another million excuses, too.

It seems like I never have enough time in the morning to do all of the things I want to do, especially on Mondays.  I detest Mondays, although  I know that is a fairly common feeling among most working folks.  But really, really, I detest Mondays.  It is so hard to get back into the swing of things. 

Dr. Love and I are getting along better, trying to work on the whole communication thing.  It is an uphill battle sometimes, but it seems like we are both putting in more effort.  Apparently relationships take hard work.  I know I’ve heard that somewhere, and it appears to be true.  Who would’ve thought?!?

I have been trying to stay more in touch with my family up North.  I would love to go up there for a visit, but can’t ever seem to string any vacation time together.  Maybe in the Spring.  Now that I have more room, I would love for any of them to come here.  Maybe Cousin Carrie and her boyfriend will come, which she has mentioned.  It would be awesome to see them all again.  It sucks living so far away from all that family. 

Regina Spektor, The Calculation

Spreading the Plague

I’m on day five of feeling like crap.  I feel okay when I wake up, but once I start moving around, I get throbbing headaches and feel nauseous all day.  It’s really getting on my nerves and making me feel grumpy.  Dr. Love has been sick, as well, but seems to be feeling better other than a constantly running nose.  Now I just can’t wait to catch the cold that he’s had, and maybe if he’s lucky, he can avoid this stomach bug.

I got up early this morning and cleaned up the house, did some laundry.  I like getting up early, getting some things done, but I generally pay for it later with the lack of sleep.  I think all the sleep I’ve had this week has my tank on at least half-full.  I am sleeping when I get home from work, then going to bed again around 9:00 p.m.  I did, however, stay up a little bit later last night because I was watching the train wreck that is this new show on TLC.  I don’t even remember what it is called, but it’s about “strange obsessessions.”  One of the girls ate chalk, the other was addicted to tanning.  Um, yeah.  Strange.

All is well at work, although I don’t feel like I have really been in the groove this week, due to not feeling well.  It seems like there is a tension in the air in my office, but that’s probably in my head because I don’t feel like really interacting with anyone.  I think my office-mates are leaving me alone because they know I don’t feel well.  At least I am getting my work done and will hopefully be back to my chipper and friendly self here soon.  I think a little bit of my perception of tension at the office has to do with missing work on Monday and leaving early on Tuesday.  Don’t wanna get in trouble, don’t think I am in trouble, but I worry about it all the same.  I have a pretty supportive supervisor and no one really wants me there if I’m sick.

I have an appointment with the pdoc this a.m.  I don’t have much to report to her, other than my new diet and getting on the CPAP.  Likely will just get some refills and get out of there quick, that’s what I’m hoping.  Also hope I don’t get a lecture about quitting DBT, but it’s something I am willing to discuss, just not something I am willing to do again at this point.

Poor Kizzer has really been feeling the effects of Dr. Love and I sleeping our lives away and being sick.  Dr. Love was convinced yesterday that she was sick, too, because she was really lethargic and wimpy.  I told him that he needed to treat her like a dog and she was fine, she just needed some love and attention.  I took her with me when I went to pick up my step-mom from her haircut and then stayed awake all evening, which seemed to help rejuvenate her little doggie spirits.  Other than the ridiculous thunder and lightning, I think she had a pretty good night.

So the diet continues to go well, especially with this whole nausea thing…hahah.  I am finding that I can tolerate my shakes and some soup for dinner, but that’s about it.  Dr. Love keeps saying that he can tell that I am losing, and that support makes me feel even more motivated.  I do think I’m going to have quite a bit of droopy skin, however, and need to start exercising.  I have been parking further and further away from the entrance to my office and have been trying to walk back and forth between compounds when I need to get somewhere, but have not been able to really do that this week, as I feel I am getting ready to die when I even move.

The Ramones, I Wanna Be Sedated

In the Groove

I have had several life-changing events happen since I blogged last.  This blog generally falls by the way-side and is the first thing to be dropped when life gets busy.  I don’t make it a priority to blog, but I do like to catch things up every once in awhile.

Dr. Love has a job!!  He is working for a company that provides housing in a group-home setting.  He is really loving it and it has been SO good for him!  One of the best things is that he has to get up at 6:00 a.m. Monday through Saturday.  He really struggled with it at first, feeling tired all the time, but I think now part of him likes it because he is getting so much done.  He works split-shifts on Thursday and Friday, which means I’m on my own for those two nights.  He has also recently picked up a 7a.m. – 3p.m. shift on Saturdays, which I am starting to get used to.  In a way, it is nice, because it gives me time to take care of all of those things on my to-do list.  I do miss him by Saturday evening and it is true, that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Things are going really well for us and our relationship, it seems, has been developing into something stronger and more wonderful every day.

I also have a new job.  Right after my last post, my employer informed me that they were eliminating my position from their programming.  I was fairly upset about it, but not panicked.  Being the very lucky gal I am (plus all the hard work proving myself as one excellent employee 🙂 ), the state decided to create a position for me.  I was unemployed for two whole days!  I am doing basically the same things with a smaller caseload.  I like it because I feel like I am able to do more for each inmate and it is more case-management oriented, which I really enjoy and have a lot of experience with.  I am also able to get in on the ground level of a new curriculum that is centered around mothers on the inside and will also be doing some program development and starting some trauma groups on my own.  I’m really excited and the potential for career growth and development is HUGE.  Not to mention great benefits and more pay, working for the state.  I really love my co-workers and enjoy going to work every day.  That’s a big change from working for the mental health contractor, where I usually dreaded going to work every day.  The morale is much higher with the state.

More news…I quit my DBT group.  I missed three sessions in a row due to having trainings to go to with the new job, and I didn’t feel like I missed it.  I really just needed a refresher to get back into practicing my skills and I felt like I had it.  I know that if I start struggling again that I can go back to it.  For now, I am working on practicing my skills every day and also am focusing on those skills in therapy, which I still do every other week with Goddess of Mindfulness.

I recently started a Slim-Fast diet.  My eating, and thus my weight, have really spiraled out of control over the past few months and I got to the point where I was so uncomfortable that I really felt like I needed to do something.  I was at the point where just going to work and doing the walking that I have to do in a day’s time was wearing me out, making my body ache, and I really couldn’t do all of the things I wanted to do to be more active.  The diet is going really well and the pounds are coming off.  Having less variety at breakfast and lunch is actually a good thing for me.  I just vary my snacks and my dinners so I don’t get too bored, and alternate shake flavors.  In the mornings, at least on the weekends, I will make myself a smoothie with a shake and frozen fruit, which is always a real treat.  I do not feel deprived at all and am enjoying being able to regulate my eating better.  Plus, I am feeling great, more energy and less achiness.

Something that has truly been life-changing is finally getting a sleep study done and starting to use a CPAP machine.  It has really made all of the difference in the world.  I was diagnosed with “severe, chronic, symptomatic obstructive sleep apnea” and, the very day after my sleep study went to the medical supply company closest to my house and was fitted for a mask and machine.  While it took some getting used to and adjusting, the transition really wasn’t all that hard and it is AMAZING how much better and awake I feel.  I have always really struggled with sleeping and feeling rested, often falling asleep during the day and feeling dazed all the time, and it’s magical how CLEAR I feel now, and how rested I am.

So, I plan to try and blog at least once a week, especially now that I have more “me” time due to Dr. Love working.  It helps me to clear my mind and I like to keep family and friends updated with what I am doing.  I do need to get a new pic for my masthead and if anyone has a great one that symbolizes springtime, feel free to pass it on.  I’ll even give you credit!  🙂

Jack Johnson, Times Like These

My Personal Path to Hot-ness

I’m on day 21 of no junk food.  Other than a small slip at Dairy Queen, with the Blizzard of the Month — it was Girl Scout Thin Mint — I’m not so good as to be able to pass THAT up, especially when it’s a limited time only type of deal.  Let’s just be thankful I have been able to keep my car from going on autopilot through Sonic or McDonalds, my two biggest vices, other than gas stations, where I can find all sorts of terrible things to eat.

And it makes me feel good, both mentally and physically.  I have even taken to measuring my food at home.  Last night I made a mean pot of spaghetti with Italian turkey sausage, and it was seriously amazing.  So seriously amazing that, usually, I would have eaten two helpings, thinking it was one.  But not last night — I measured and actually felt good about eating a healthy dinner with a small salad. 

I am anxious, in a good way, to step onto the scale this week.  My clothes are already fitting better, and I have a lot more energy.  I started taking a new medication for sleep earlier this week, and it has made me sick a few times — has also made me not so hungry.  I don’t think that’s necessarily a good thing, to use it for weight loss, but it helps that it’s not one more medication that makes me eat everything in sight.  I don’t know if I will stay on it, though, because it’s not helping me sleep, which is the point, right?

It helps me sometimes, to find an outfit that I think is really cute that I can hang a dream on, so to speak, for once I have lost some weight.  I am really liking these shrugs from Lane Bryant:

Knit Cocoon Shrug

Knit Cocoon Shrug

Crop Length Shrug
  Crop Length Shrug
Short Sleeve Crop Shrug

Short Sleeve Crop Shrug

So, these are some outfits/styles that I look forward to being able to wear, that I would be COMFORTABLE wearing when I lose some more weight.  And I have a ton of clothes in my closet, as well, that will fit after a little while and I will just be walking around so SUPER-HOT everywhere, that Dr. Love will have to start beating up every guy that tries to hit on me.  😀

Gimme

I am asking, very calmly, for my health back.  I ask this of you, sugar, fat, and nicotine.

Two weeks ago, I stopped eating fast food.  Doesn’t sound too hard, right?  Well, I was eating it every day, usually more than once a day.  Junk food has always been my stress outlet and I’m getting tired of being a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl’s body.  And it’s funny, because after two weeks, I’m not really craving it anymore.  I feel a lot better, with more energy and none of that blood sugar flatline that I was experiencing regularly. 

Oh, and someone at work asked me if I was losing weight (which I have, a tiny bit), which always makes one feel good.

In somewhat related news, I am going to try and quit smoking.  I know, I know.  Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.  I’m feeling really good about this quit, though.  I’ve had a lot of external motivation lately, really in the form of seeing others really struggle with their health.  There has been a lot of cancer in my family, and I have seen the ugliness of emphysema and COPD.  I don’t want that for myself. 

I really think this all started with the death of a family friend.  He passed away about a month ago and he was 39.  He was very overweight and led an extremely unhealthy lifestyle.  I really want to live to have children and see them grow up. 

And I’m tired of being short of breath all of the time, of coughing my fool head off day and night, of having a hard time getting around and doing the things I really WANT to do.  I’m ready to have more energy, feel better, feel healthy.  I know what I need to do to get there, and I will eventually get there.  I have to constantly remind myself that this is a process, not just one small battle and the war is over. 

Fat Bottomed Girls, Queen