w00t w00t!

Nothing like a lack of blogging to make one think.  Or not think, for that matter.  I have spent the last month pretending like my new job is not stressing me out.  Part of me thinks that this job can’t possibly be stressful, because that would mean that I am symptomatic.  Well, that’s just not the case.  Studies indicate that starting a new job is right up there in the top five of the most stressful things in life.  I am not struggling with starting a new job because I am bipolar…I am struggling because I am HUMAN.  Talk about radical acceptance.

I have had a hard time with the concept that my behavior is not always indicative of my mental health.  The way I react to things isn’t always mediated by bipolar disorder — as QoB says, life is more of a factor of age, of being human.  Why this is so hard to accept, I can’t quite put my finger on.  I think it has to do a bit with passing the buck, blaming my imperfections on something that is largely out of my control. 

So, work has been stressing me out.  The jump in hours worked per week, the type of work changing, trying to learn something new, getting to know my co-workers…and coming into a job that hasn’t been done since last October.  There is no wonder that I am feeling the strain from time to time. 

Yesterday was markedly less stressful than the past few weeks have been.  I don’t have any discharges this week, and, after having a few discharges in the last two weeks, I am getting to know what I need to do pre-discharge so that things don’t have to be so last minute.  I did come home yesterday and tell Dr. Love that I must not have worked enough or hard enough because I didn’t feel stressed out.  Sometimes the things that come out of my mouth, out of my head, really boggle the mind.  Of course, he was supportive and reassured me that I am just learning my job, that he was sure I did work hard.  And I did.  I felt slightly guilty for taking off 30 minutes ahead of time, but I was really itching to get home and take Wizzah to the dog park before the weather got bad.  After an hour at the bark park, I was really happy that I did take off early.  And I only have 30 minutes to make up at some point during the week, which is easy as pie. 

It is a truly beautiful thing, what Dr. Love and I have.  We  understand each other so well.  He knows that my little spaz-outs are only that, and does not take them personally, just redirecting me to reality and to the fact that I’m not livid that he hasn’t taken that damn chair down to the basement that I asked him to do two weeks ago, but that I was stressing about the house needing to be picked up.  Our relationship has become so much stronger in the past few weeks, I think mainly because I stopped focusing on his issues and started focusing on my own.  It adds a new dimension to our relationship, one where I am not nagging, obsessing about his job search or whether or not he did something I asked him to do.  Love is bigger than that, and I’m so happy that I found it. 

I have been trying to focus on my physical health, pushing past denial and coming to terms with the fact that I am not getting any younger and my bad habits will take a toll in the long-run.  My biggest problem is portion-control and I am working on that a few different ways.  At lunch, I am taking Lean Cuisines to work (thank you, Adriana) and am packing my breakfast and healthy snacks.  At home, I am trying to measure what I am eating, not worrying so much about WHAT I am eating, but HOW MUCH I am eating.  Sounds simple, but it’s difficult in practice.  As always, a work in progress. 

I’ve been giving thought to quitting smoking, as well.  I think that I am going to give it a go, using Chantix.  I have quit before using the patch but have had absolutely no luck with it the last few times.  I am feeling more ready this time, though, and I think that’s what I really need in order to quit.  Let’s just say that I’m psyching myself up for it. 

Coldplay, Fix You

Falling Off the Face of the Earth

I am fairly out of it this morning…keep that in mind as you are reading and wondering if I am drunk.  🙂

Between starting a new job, tapering off Klonopin, and taking care of an unemployed and depressed Dr. Love, I have failed to blog regularly.  I believe my last blog was almost a month ago.  I believe that not blogging also has to do with being stuck in survival mode. 

I haven’t ever had a real 8-5 job and working 40 hours a week is FUCKING HARD.  I come home exhausted, I wake up feeling energized but somewhat in a fog, only to start all over again.  Add to that the fact that this job has been royally fucked by those who did it before me and that I am basically having to reinvent the wheel.  At least I am being appreciated, though.  I like the people I am working with and am very thankful that my office and most of my contacts are in reentry and not mental health.  I know I haven’t been working there long enough to pass any judgement, but it is tiresome to go over to MH for meetings or whatnot and to hear all the gloom and doom about our contract and the state of the economy. 

The thing is, my job is stable.  They need my position, won’t cut it, and won’t give it to someone else who is already working there because that didn’t work before (hence why I am reinventing the wheel).  And, as QoB tells me, HR plans for the kind of things like layoffs and the economy and they wouldn’t have hired me a couple of weeks ago to cut my position now.  The more I talk to everyone and realize how needed my position is, the more confident I am that it will stay intact.  Even if my company doesn’t sign the contract, mental health and medical services are mandated in state prisons, and another company would just take over our positions.  Even if that meant a cut in pay, I would still rock it out because that would mean I would still have a job. 

I started a Klonopin taper a few weeks ago.  The doctor wanted me to step down every week by  0.5 mg until I was off (I was on 2mg) even though I told him that I didn’t think now was a good time.  So, I stepped from 2 to 1.5 the first week and really had no problems.  then I went from 1.5mg to 1mg and let me tell you, I was pretty sure that things were going to go down the shitter.  I was anxious, had awful muscle twitching, couldn’t sleep, felt fuzzy in the head, and had GI problems.  After having an awful weekend right before the Monday that I was supposed to start work, I knew that I couldn’t continue decreasing at that rate, so I bumped it up to 1.25mg and am feeling much better. 

I think I will be stepping down to 1mg now starting on Monday and am confident that I will be able to do it.  As my body is letting go of the dependence on Klonopin, I am feeling clearer and sleeping fairly soundly.  Well, much sounder than I would like, really.  Because I have been so tired from my job, I have been sleeping clear through the night without getting up to pee, which I normally do two or three times a night.  This means that my body still needs to pee and I am asleep; therefore, I pee the bed.  I know, it’s disgusting.  I have decreased my fluid intake and am fairly worried that I may have the beginnings of diabetes as I have other warning signs.  Again, no primary care physician will take me with my state sponsored insurance.  So, I continue to flail medically. 

I started Weight Watchers two weeks ago and have already lost four pounds.  I have been eating really well and exercising somewhat sporadically, and really enjoy the online system that they have.  There are all kinds of recipes and tools to use that make life easier.  And Dr. Love has said many times how he appreciates having a hot and healthy meal for dinner and good-for-you snacks in the pantry and fridge. 

Dr. Love has seen better days.  He has been fairly depressed lately, although he is still applying for jobs and receiving rejection letter after rejection letter.  Also, there are very few jobs out there to even apply for.  He is finally at a point where  he is applying for almost anything.  We are okay because I can put a roof over my head and food on the table just like I did before he was here, but not working really gets to him.  And I don’t blame him.  I do my best to keep him active, but there is only so much I can do. 

Dido, Don’t Leave Home

She says this is about addiction, not love.  I can see that, but I can see it in many other ways. 

What’s Up, Doc?

After three straight days of minimal sleep, I passed out on the couch last night, watching Medium, that we had DVR’d from earlier in the evening.  DVR is a beautiful thing.  I’m still not used to having a fancy TV or cable, and when I found out that we could set it to automatically record my favorite shows in case I missed them, I went a little wild. 

I am watching the shop today so that the Big Dog can go get a cavity filled.  So far, nothing exciting, but then again, the wind chill outside is -5 degrees.  Why don’t people want to go do outdoor activities in that kind of weather…hrrmmmm.  Somehow the Big Dog manages to stay busy most of the day, though, doing inventory and calling people and making lists and God knows what else.  I know that the big garden and outdoor show is coming up soon, so likely a lot of preparations for that. 

In related news, the boat show is this weekend.  I am really REALLY dying to go, so I need to mention that to QoB and the Big Dog to see if they’re wanting to go.  None of us would be buying a boat (because QoB and the Big Dog already have one), but it’s a fun activity on a cold day.  Plus, there’s popcorn and diet soda.  What more can you really ask for?

I have kept up on my walking.  I’ve walked every day since last Friday and plan to walk again today.  It’s really energizing; especially when Wizzah and I went at 6:00 a.m. yesterday morning and it was chilly and windy and dark.  She was very protective and hyper-vigilant, and when we got home, she immediately started running around the house, barking like crazy, just because all the cold and the wind makes her high, I think. 

I had an appointment with my pdoc yesterday.  It did not go as great as I had planned.  I went in and told him that I am having a hard time sleeping and that I eventually want to taper off Klonopin, but not right at this moment because I am getting ready to start a new job and I don’t want to go off the deep end in the thick of that. 

He stated that my sleep and revved-uppedness in the evenings are related to physical problems and he wants me to go do a sleep study.  He also ordered me to start tapering Klonopin effective that day at a rate much more rapid than I have seen recommended on the Internet.  Because this was not what I wanted to hear, I got pissed.  And stayed pissed pretty much throughout the day. 

Of course, I took it out on Dr. Love, who was also having a crappy day.  We argued a little and then I went to QoB and the Big Dog’s house to vent.  Let’s just say that they threw a little reality back in my face and told me why the doctor was saying it was a physical problem:

1)  I have taken up to three sleeping pills at a time, with no effect on my sleep patterns.

2)  I am overweight and possibly have sleep apnea.  The Big Dog has said that he has seen me sleep, and that it’s not a pretty sight.  Dr. Love pretty much concurs with that.

3)  I have a lot of the warning signs, plus the genetic predisposition for diabetes, which might explain why I wake up on the hour every hour and have to pee. 

4)  Related to #4, sometimes I am so fast asleep and need to pee so badly that I wet the bed a little bit before I can wake up and make it to the bathroom.

So, yes, I suppose it is possible that my problems with sleeping are physical.  Highly probable even.  I am going to call the local hospital today and see if they do sleep studies so the pdoc can make a referral, but need to check first to see if my insurance will pay for such a thing. 

Also, it is becoming increasingly apparent that I need a primary care physician.  It isn’t for lack of trying that I don’t have one.  I am on state-sponsored insurance and there are no doctors in town that are accepting new patients with my type of insurance.  I did have a great PCP and she left for private practice quite some time ago.  Let’s just say that I am well-known at the walk-in clinics. 

Thankfully, I have a gynecologist that will take care of my birth control and antibiotics for acne.  Between him and my pdoc, I am covered as far as the absolutely necessary stuff, but it would probably be good to know if my thyroid is out of whack or if I have developed diabetes. 

In somewhat related news, Dr. Love has agreed to start counseling for depression related to losing his job.  He is somewhat skeptical, but I think it will really help him to figure some things out and to learn some coping skills to help himself feel better.  I do my best to keep him active and give suggestions as to things he could do to make himself feel better and I listen when he talks, but that’s about all I can do. 

I really think he can find himself again if he practices willingness in therapy, which I have been trying to explain to him.  It’s all about willingness.  And I’ll mention for the millionth time that the book Will and Sprit by Gerald May is totally worth reading.  That book saved my life, along with many other things. 

I will have to come back and add a video later, as I am at the shop and there are no speakers around to make sure it will come through.  However, I can tell you that the song that is stuck in my head right now is…

“99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer.  Take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall.”

And for some reason, it’s stuck on skip, the number of bottles of beer never goes down…just 99, 99, 99.  I think it is an obsessive tic that I’m not able to shed right at the moment.  Whatever helps you cope, though, right?  🙂

Okay, home from the shop.  Here ’tis…

Sean Kingston, Beautiful Girls — this is not the original video and only does about 1:30 of the song, but it totally cracks me up.  If you want to hear the full song and see the real video, you can do so here.

P.S.  Big Dog just called.  Dr. Love and I now have VIP passes to the boat show…talk about having a great hook-up guy!

A Healthier Year

There’s nothing like a visit to the doctor (a walk-in clinic, nonetheless) to make one think about the decisions one makes regarding diet, exercise, bad habits, and medication.  After two serious bouts with bronchitis, sinusitis, and laryngitis within a matter of a few weeks, I am thinking about quitting smoking.  I am fairly motivated and am doing the “preparation” steps to make it happen, which will also make me healthier.

Another wake-up call came when I stepped on the scale.  I’ve gained 13 pounds in the last three months.  Winters are always a time for me to pack on the weight, but it has more to do with the fact that I am eating regularly now and not purging…and not exercising. 

I have felt really disconnected from my body for a long, long time.  And when I did feel connected, it was as if my neurons were mis-firing, making me think of only (what I consider to be) my negative physical traits.  But mostly, it has been a feeling of disconnectedness.  My body has felt awkward, like I don’t have any control over how I move or my muscles, even with fine motor skills (except for typing). 

I was talking to Goddess of Mindfulness about this a few weeks ago and her suggestion was to exercise.  I was being fairly willful about it (as I have been for over the last year), and said that I thought I would try meditating and stretching (like I used to do every day).  As it turned out, I didn’t really get into it, I think, because I was scared of what I might find if I reconnected with my body.

As I was saying, after being weighed and being ill twice in a short time period, I thought long and hard about what I am putting my body through, and also what I am not putting it through.  I have had periods in my life where I have lived very healthfully, physically and, to a certain extent, mentally.  Now that my moods are more stable (and I had the doctor’s visits), I am very strongly feeling like I want to make my physical health better, which I have completely and totally neglected for about the last two years.

For the past three days, I have walked.  The first day I walked at a good pace for 30 minutes, the next day 45 minutes, and the following day 60 minutes.  The endorphin rush I get from walking is amazing (I used to walk up to 9 miles a day, usually 6 daily) and I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it and what a self-soothe and sacred self it is for me. 

In addition, Dr. Love set up the BowFlex in the basement, along with free weights, and I worked out on it two out of those three days for about 20-30 minutes each day.  I used to lift weights all through high school and loved it loved it LOVED IT and had really forgotten how much I got out of it.

One other thing that I am doing is my stretching and mindfulness for 20 minutes each day.  It’s great to take a walk, do the Bowflex, and then sit and listen to my Celtic music while I stretch.  SO RELAXING.  Talking about it, I’m really looking forward to more of my routine today! 

Dr. Love joined me in the walking and lifting on two out of the three days, and it turns out that it’s a really great way for us to reconnect at the end of the day.  It’s also a good motivator for me, and for him, as well, as he says he has gained weight since we met and he used to be really physically active and is not so much anymore (other than the occasional martial arts class).  It’s really a huge plus for our relationship.

In the moment, my mind and body are very connected in my head.  I am being mindful of being thirsty and drinking water instead of diet soda, little aches and pains, the difference between actual hunger (I had really truly forgotten what it felt like to be hungry) and emotional eating type of hunger, and basically just feeling every last thing. 

So, life is good.  Now it’s all about fine-tuning, developing a routine, and getting in a healthy rut.  I’ve done it before and know I can do it again.  I really have the confidence and determination and internal motivation to do it now, and I am really looking forward to feeling physically healthy again. 

Workout Mix by Paul  that I found on YouTube.  It’s fairly long, but gives you a good idea of songs to put on a workout mix.  Also, there is some gangsta rap that contains language that some may find offensive. 

And He Said, “Take the Day Off”

Work called me about fifteen minutes ago and told me that they didn’t need me to come in.  WTF?  Since when does Rose get a Saturday off?  Or two days off in a row?  It just doesn’t happen!!  Or hasn’t happened since I started at the orange hell-hole home improvement store.  They said that they overscheduled and needed to let two people off, and they wanted me off because I had the most number of hours.  So, it’s good and bad.  I don’t get paid for a full work-week, but I get the day off.  Since there’s nothing I can really do about it, I’ll just be grateful for the day off.

An extra bonus is that I get to spend the day with Matt, until he has to go to work.  Yay!!  He did mandate that he must sleep until at least 9:30 though.  Big baby.  Who stayed up until 2:00 a.m. playing computer games??  Not me!

Apparently I snore.  A lot.  And apparently it bothers Matt to the point that he wants to wrap my face in duct tape sleep in another room.  So he did.  And has.  It’s kind of funny, in a way.  He will wait until I’m totally asleep and then go to bed in another room.  Kizz was over last night at his place and she slept with him.  Maybe my snoring bothers her, too!  🙂

At any rate, I’m going to make some kind of conscious effort to work on snoring.  Would probably help if I lost some weight, but I’m already working on that.  Quitting smoking is the next step.  Joy. I will probably use the patch again and see how that goes.  That’s how I quit last time (for a year and a half) and am pretty sure I can do it again.  I’ve tried Chantix and it just does nothing for me, although I know several people who has used it with huge success.

I’m on Facebook now and have been re-connecting with all sorts of people from high school and college.  Matt kind of motivated me to get on there and now I’m glad I did.  One of my friends, Kim, has a really interesting blog, which is of no surprise, because she was one of the most interesting people I knew in high school.

And it’s funny…everyone is all grown up and holy crap, mostly looking like serious hotties, and are married and have kids and interesting careers!!  I think I’m pretty much the only one that got fat and less cute as time went by.  Maybe.  Or maybe I’m just being too hard on myself.  Life has not been easy for the last ten years and I’m still pulling myself out of the shit.  I’m almost all of the way out now, but I have some catching up to do!

And I’m totally ready and prepared and on the road for that.  {{QUASHES negative voice in head}}

Sheryl Crow, Soak Up the Sun

Hand Me a Snickers!

I am allowed to wake Matt up in 32 minutes.  He refused to get up with me at 3:00 a.m. and told me I am not normal.  That’s what happens when I go to bed early!  At least Mom had the “self-preservation” talk with him, in regard to sleep.  Basically, the women in our family need little sleep, and the men in our lives just have to go to bed without us when they’re tired.  Or they die.  Proven fact!

Today is Matt’s birthday and I plan on showing him just how great he is.  I’m broke, so I have no really fun present…except me and my sparkling personality!!!  I’m also going to make him breakfast and bake him a lemon cake with vanilla frosting here later in the day.  Hopefully I don’t screw it up!!

So, yes, Matt is great.  He gave me roses last night.  Out of nowhere.  For no reason at all.  No one has ever done that before and it was such a good feeling to know that he was thinking of me and wanted to do something nice for me.  I could get used to that!  I’m feeling very lucky to have him and just hope that I don’t do anything to screw it up.  I’m doing my best!

I have been up since 3:00 a.m., as previously mentioned.  I went to bed last night around 10:00 p.m. and slept like a brick.  Plus I had a nap yesterday.  That’s really all I need is a good solid 5 hours, sometimes more.  I may take a nap after I get off work and I may not.  Just depends on how difficult life is at the home improvement store today.

I was having a little crisis of faith in myself yesterday and called Mom for a pep talk.  I’m worried about being at the home improvement store forever, worried that I won’t get the phlebotomist job (because I really want it!!!), worried that I am just wasting my life.  I snapped out of it pretty quickly.  Sometimes I just need someone to bitchslap me inject a little reality into my life.  Funny how off-track I can get sometimes.

I was totally exhausted last night and realized that the time between dusk and about midnight really bothers me.  But only if I am alone.  Once I got to Matt’s, I was fine.  I think it has to do with too much time to think, to obsess, to ruminate.  I need to be working harder on my distract and self-soothe skills.

I’ve been looking at my diary card and am using the same self-soothe and distract skills over and over.  Part of me wonders if I should try something new, or if I am using the same ones over and over because that’s what works.  I namely use music and reading.  It seems to work pretty well for the most part, but I’d really like to incorporate more exercise and something more active to get my mind off things.  I can only clean so much!

As I said yesterday, I am missing DBT again this week.  ARGHHHH.  I could really use a fix.  At least I am doing my diary card though.  I also got next week figured out, because I was scheduled to work 9-6 and that would have made me miss it again.  I basically told our head cashier that it wasn’t possible for me to do that, so I am getting off at 2:30 and will have just enough time to make it.  I’m really excited to start with my new group!!  Hallelujah, the ex-roommate will not be in it.  That’s one of the main reasons that I changed.  Or maybe is THE main reason.  She really pisses me off and annoys me.

I was having a somewhat grumpy day yesterday.  When I got into work, I was informed that our metrics had come in and that I was using the quantity key at a rate of 18-21%.  Apparently this is bad, and the store average is 5%, while the “ideal” is 4%.  I’ve been told to stop using the quantity key completely until further notice.  This means that when someone shows up with any number of duplicate items, from 2-25, I have to scan each one.  It’s a serious pain in the butt, but I haven’t even worked the pro register yet.  Should be interesting.  “Excuse me, sir.  I need to scan each of those 50 bags of QuikCrete.  Should only take an extra five minutes.”  Yay.  Can hardly wait.

I was also grumpy because I didn’t get the time off for Ab’s party that I had requested.  I found out later that I didn’t request it off early enough, that it has to be requested not two weeks before the date you want off, but two weeks before the schedule comes out.  So, you basically have to request off almost a month ahead of time.  As Mom said, I’m still not used to having someone tell me when to show up to work and for them to really expect me to be there.  Retail shift work sucks!!

I finally snapped out of the grumpiness, with the aid of some food.  I’m not great about eating consistently and sometimes I think my blood sugar just dips too low.  I solved that with a Snickers bar.  🙂  Almost anything can be salvaged, with a Snickers bar in hand, dontcha know?

Matchbox 20, Mad Season

The Bizarre Feeling of Contentment

Tuesday, July 1, 2008  7:47 a.m.

Thursday through Sunday, I was at the bait shop and water garden store, helping out, and it was really busy.  I went home exhausted each night and just ate dinner and went to bed.  I’ve had some really good sleep lately.  Physical exertion can do that to you, apparently.  Who would’ve thought. 

Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I’ve been “on my own.”  The first day that I’ve had to build structure on my own, without any real concrete plans.  I knew what I needed to concentrate on, and I knew that I needed to stay busy all day. 

Other than not getting my lawn mowed (which I am doing here as soon as the neighborhood wakes up a bit), I accomplished everything I set out to do.  I put in job applications at a few places, picked up some paper applications at a few places I want to apply, and went to Walmart (where I had an unreal, fun time…seriously).  Those were the things I had planned.  In addition, I visited Grandma, cleaned and organized the fridge and freezer, the kitchen, and my desk, did some DBT work, talked to my sister for awhile, and baked a lasagna to eat this week. 

I definitely stayed busy all day.  I didn’t sit down to rest until about 8:30 p.m., and even then, I was working on some online stuff.  I like to be busy and active, and am hopeful and really just determined to keep myself that way.  It will be easier to do once I have a job, for sure, but in the meantime I’m going to keep on plugging away and finding stuff to do. 

I know a lot of my time will be spent looking for a job, and when I’m not doing that, there are definitely projects around the house I can do.  I also will be exercising more, especially now that I’ve quit smoking.  I have been walking a bit here and there, and plan to gradually increase until I am walking about 6 miles a day, four days per week.  On two days, I’ll walk three, and then I’ll take one day off. 

I know I can do it…been there before.  It is a great stress reliever, and definitely helps with weight loss.  Plus, Ab and I are going to do a 5K here sometime in August or September.  I want to be able to keep up with her quick pace.  She’s a runner and she walks faster than anyone I know. 

I have been losing weight pretty easily since I’ve been feeling better.  I’ve been eating right and exercising, and simply have been more active.  All of that sleep and laying around doesn’t do much for the figure, dontcha know. 

It is a lot easier, also, to eat better and exercise when I’m not working for the agency…especially the eating better.  At the agency, there was always food in the break room, food at every meeting, FOOD FOOD FOOD.  I find it hard to resist if it’s available.  I also did a lot of junk food and eating fast food for a long time…partly because I was depressed and didn’t care, and partly because it’s almost part of the culture of social service that you eat like crap.  I’m not quite sure how to explain it other than that. 

I did a coaching call last night around 9:00 p.m.  I did it in part because I haven’t done one in so long, and partly because I was having difficulty processing this bizarre feeling of calm and contentment and feeling like everything is okay.  It ended up actually being a really funny phone call, likely because I did it with Ann.  She totally cracks me up.  We were both rolling by the end of the call.  It truly is strange to feel okay.  As Ann said, it is uncharted territory for me, and will take some getting used to.  She also emphasized that I need to keep doing the things that make me feel okay.  It’s called EFFECTIVENESS in DBT terms.  🙂

I continue to put my DBT skills into practice and fill out a diary card every day, which is very helpful to me.  I won’t go on and on about all of the benefits of DBT and how life-changing it has been for me, because I think I’ve been there and done that and posted about it about fifteen times by now, but seriously…

GETCHA SOME…DBT.  😀

So, I’m pretty obsessed with Jack Johnson because it’s such feel-good music and this is a fun little ditty…and an even more fun video. 

Jack Johnson, Do You Remember

Sunday Vow

Today will be a good day…because I WILL it to be so.  I will use my coping skills, I will not take naps, I will be productive, and I will kick ass.  It’s not that I’ve had a string of bad days, because I really haven’t, but the sun is shining and the birds are chirping and I am feeling very manic energized. 

I have been up long before the dawn cleaning and organizing.  My closet was and still is, to some extent, a disaster.  That icky between spring and winter thing going on, with all of the clothes mixed together.  I finally decided to just put all of my winter stuff in my “spare closet” and bring all of my spring/summer clothes that still fit into the closet in my bedroom. 

The positive to organizing the closets is that I was able to see a lot of cute clothes that I can no longer fit into.  My wardrobe, until I can lose about 20 lbs, is going to be fairly limited.  Awww…now I can be like everyone else on the team and wear the same thing OVER AND OVER.  We have a guy who literally has a rotation of four different shirts that he really likes to wear.  It’s pretty hilarious. 

My wardrobe isn’t quite as bad though.  I have four pairs of pants that fit and several skirts.  My problem is that I don’t have many tops to wear.  I may get desperate and have to go to Walmart or Kmart to pick up a few plain ones that will match with anything…if I can scrape up the money to do so.  I really don’t want to buy a bunch of new clothes, because I’m fairly close to fitting into most everything from last year. 

I’ve had a nice weekend so far.  I didn’t do much Friday night.  Just really hung out on my porch and played fetch with the dog.  Talked to Malcom, ate dinner, watched some TV.  Fell asleep on the couch…again.   

Wasn’t as productive as I would have liked yesterday…although I did drive clear to the city (30 minutes) and back because I thought I was supposed to see the Goddess of Mindfulness.  Turns out my appointment was for NEXT week. 

I did go to Mom and DHut’s last night and had a nice evening bonding with them.  I don’t get to see them much, so it’s always nice to be able to spend some time.  That and Kizz really likes to go over and play with Lucy, my mom’s standard poodle. 

Mom fed me a “real” dinner, which is oh-so-appreciated, as I tend to eat lots of sandwiches and soup when it’s just me.  We had brats, HOMEMADE potato salad (perhaps one of my favorite foods), and HOMEMADE baked beans.  Simply to die for. 

We also dyed my hair, which I have been refusing to do for the past three years.  Naturally, it is an ash-blonde color.  We didn’t really change the color much, just brightened it up, and I do have to say that the texture is a lot nicer now and my hair appears thicker…which is nice, because it was getting really thin.  Sexy Fat becomes Sexier Fat.  🙂

I have a lot of “missions” that I would like to accomplish today, including getting my wardrobe straightened out, doing laundry, and going to the grocery store.  It would be nice to clean out the garage, but I don’t think that’s going to happen this weekend. 

DHut:  What’s for dessert?

Mom:  Well, there’s a strawberry cheesecake in the freezer.

DHut:  Is it thawed out?

Hmmmm…we’ll never know when the Alzheimer’s will kick in.  Either that or DHut’s red hair is hiding his true blonde hair.  Who knows?

Getting Off My Sexy Fat Ass

At this point, I am so disappointed in myself.  But it’s almost an ambivalent sort of disappointed, if there is any such thing.  Mostly, I know I need to change some things in my life, but I am ambivalent about doing so.  It’s that external v. internal motivation to change again. 

 I have been doing fairly well with my eating.  Keeping in touch with Malcom makes me accountable, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t eat oatmeal creme pies and ice cream slip sometimes.  I know that only makes me human, but I’m a bit of a perfectionist. 

I still have not been exercising.  I’m just not motivated.  When I weigh the benefits in my head versus the fact that it is painful, hard, and, DAMMIT, hard to do so…I just end up doing other things.  It’s not even that I don’t have the time.  Most days, I do.  But instead, I get home from work and spend a couple of hours screwing around and then watch TV. 

I am starting to become more motivated to walk the dog, however, because she needs to lose her winter weight and I’m not sure she can do it without that extra exercise.  I don’t want her to end up being Spunky Fat, because I know the problems that would cause to her health. 

Hmmm…I care more about my dog’s health than my own.  Muy interesante. 

I am fairly motivated to exercise because none of my cute summer clothes from last year are fitting, and I know that when I move to AZ this summer that I will really need them.  It’s hot down there (DUH) and the pants and tops I have right now may cause me to drop over dead heat stroke, or at the very least, severe sweating.  Gross. 

Bad enough that I will be the new girl…I don’t want to be Stinky Sexy Fat.  Which is uncool…because then I’d become Stinky Gross Fat, and there’s nothing sexy about that. 

I am not going to sit here and list out my goals, because, by now, I’m pretty sure that I’ve made them clear.  All I can do is actively work on them, and I’m pretty sure it’s time to start. 

This cliche annoys me, but…SERIOUSLY, get ‘er done!

Biting the Ears Off Chocolate Bunnies

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), I did not have any chocolate bunnies to deal with this Easter.  I am pretty sure that I have not had an Easter basket for a long time…perhaps not since high school. 

The reason for this?  Easter baskets are for little kids and the only reason we kept getting them through high school is that Ab really likes chocolate and pretty much set out her Easter basket a week previous every year. 

I did go over to Mom and DHut’s house and we had a nice chat and then dinner…ham, twice-baked potatoes, salad, and some kind of strawberry shortcake-ish cake.  Very yummy. 

Mom sent me home with leftovers.  I love it when she does that, and I genuinely think she likes doing it…Mom has always been good about feeding the masses.  🙂

I had a fairly decent weekend, other than sleep issues.  I didn’t get to talk to Malcom as much as I would have liked to, but then again, if I had my way, we would be on the phone 24/7 and wouldn’t get anything done.  It was mostly my fault that we didn’t get to talk much…I did some running around, and when I wasn’t doing stuff, I was trying to sleep (generally unsuccessfully). 

I didn’t get a lot accomplished this weekend, other than cleaning up the house and getting to the grocery store.  That’s ok though, because, as Dad says (this is paraphrased)…”we work with crazy people all week…it’s ok to be lazy on the weekend.”  I totally agree, Dad. 

Back to work today.  SIGH.  I only have a few clients scheduled today because I MUST get caught up on paperwork before I get fired and have to live in a cardboard box under the bridge with my dog.  I’d like to say that my goal is to work eight hours today, but I know that is fairly unrealistic, so I’m going for six. 

P.S.  Ab, if you’re reading, hope you’re having a good time in Germany…eat a brat and drink some beer for me.  🙂