What I Need

I realized yesterday that I haven’t done a single mindfulness exercise since I moved into this new house.  Additionally, it seems I have stopped practicing mindfulness all together, here within the past however long.  At least that’s what it feels like.

I have started to notice that I am having a lot of intrusive and obsessive thoughts.  They spiral, they go out of control, they so go there.  And then back again.  And then there.  I have become stuck inside of my own brain.  There is a part of me that wants to get out, and a part of me that would rather just stay there.

I have been doing some evaluating of my health here in the last month or so.  I feel like shit.  My weight has gotten to the point that it is keeping me from doing things I once enjoyed, and also keeping me from things necessary to function.  It’s not pretty.

I am considering Lap-Band surgery.  I have had a weight problem since I was young, and have tried to control that problem since I was in my mid-teens.  I go up and down, up and down.  Off and on Weight Watchers, trying low-carb, joining a gym, buying a Bowflex, taking diet pills, exercising into pain and then relapsing on food.  Nothing has given me the results I desire.  And I don’t desire to be thin.  I just want to be able to function again.  I want to have energy and I want to be healthy for years to come.

It has been quite an experience for me, reading all of the forums and literature about Lap-Band.  It is anxiety-provoking, because I wonder if I can do it, and it is exciting because it is a new possibility.  I would have to radically change how I eat and live.  I would have to do that anyway in order to lose any weight.

If I don’t want to end up dead at 35, I will have to radically change my eating and exercise patterns, whether I get a Lap-Band or not.  I question if I can do it.  I wonder if my overall life pattern of apathy toward improving my health can change.  I am asking the question and not getting an answer.

I am going to a seminar on Saturday about the procedure.  Hopefully that will help me decide if this is something I want to do and something I think I can do.  I want to be sure.  This is serious.

If this blog seems forced, that’s because it is.

Sometimes, I have to practice a little opposite-to-emotion to get through all that willfulness I have churning inside me.