Crackling Like a Live Wire

You may or may not have noticed, but I dropped out of Reverb.  The prompts were good, the prompts were fine, but there is just so much daily bull shit going on right now that I feel I can barely keep my head above water.

The divorce seems to get more painful and exhausting for my mom as time wears on.  I am doing my best not to get in the middle and they are doing a. good job of not putting me there, but its hard to see her so defeated.  She won’t let me around her, in fact, when she is upset, so I spend a lot of time getting avoided.  I get it, really do.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

My anxiety has been sky high the last several weeks.  It decreased for awhile, but is now back in full force.  I am still not smoking or using lozenges or the patch, and have decided to try and address my problems with binge eating.  I had thought of doing weight loss surgery, but with the habits I have, it would just be dangerous.  My thought is, work on the problem behavior with the thought that maybe someday I can do the surgery.  What I really want, though, is to lose weight in any way possible so that I can stop being that fat girl and move on with my life.

I have a friend I am trying to get back in touch with.  I have been thinking about it a lot lately and went ahead and tried to make contact today.  It was a bit of an awkward situation on my end when we stopped (inadvertently almost) atlking to each other last, and I am hoping that he can look past that and we can be friends again.

Promises that this blog will move onto bigger and better things in the near future — it only seems like there is a lot of bellyaching going on about petty little stuff.  Yep, I know…. I’m sick of it, too.

This and That

I believe I am committing a sort of bloggie faux pas right now.  I have a day’s worth of comments that I have not responded to yet, and I really need to blog, like right now, because I am starting to drift off and must get this daily blog thing in.  One shouldn’t put up a new post before making sure all comments are answered from the previous day, or should they?  I’ve never understood the appropriate protocol.  Please, other bloggers, leave you thoughts on that bit in the comments.  Maybe now we will get some truth!

I had a very nice day at work, hanging out with BlueCat.  We didn’t make a lot of money, but we made it fun, and that’s what matters.  Ok, so money, yes, is important, but we have to realize that we are in a seasonal business and the “fishing season” is over for everyone except the die-hards.  Like BlueCat and Snickers — they will fish until you can’t get a boat out over the ice, usually early January.  And then there are the ice fishermen, and, well, that’s just a whole different kind of man.

Realized today while looking at the odd ticker tape on my dashboard, that I have not smoked for one week, one day, 10 hours, 39 minutes and 7 seconds. 506 cigarettes not smoked, saving $68.39. Life saved: 1 day, 18 hours, 10 minutes.

I mean, if you think about it, 506 cigarettes is a TON of cigarettes.  There toward the end, I was probably smoking a good three packs/day.  That is just grossness…in my mouth and in my lungs.  Another thing about quitting is that you start to get your sense of smell and sense of taste back.  I have bad news folks — coffee is disgusting.  No, I mean it, its foul.  Tried it with my usual creamer, tried it with milk.  Coffee is a no-go.  This makes me sad because I really loved coffee and the zip it gave me, but I am going to bust out the Iced Tea Maker that Mom and the Big Dawg got me for my birthday.  I can’t possibly have lost my taste for iced tea…surely not.

So, on Tuesday I get to swallow a camera.  Yeppers, it’s not sci-fi, it’s my life.  Unfortunately you have to do all the prep work for the procedure, although its not quite as bad as colonoscopy prep.  The bonus of all of this is that I was able to talk myself into buying a couple extra Gatorades since I can’t eat anything tomorrow and can only drink clear fluids (Gatorade totally counts, they just don’t want you to drink any red or purple).  Keep fingers and toes crossed that this whole little episode goes well.

great sisters get promoted to aunt

That’s right…Auntie Rose in the house. 🙂

Astonishing Light

I am lonely, I am anxious, and have had a very different last week.  But, as Goddess of Mindfulness and Dad both pointed out, I rocked it.

The Big Dawg, QoB, and Rock were all out of town this past week at a water garden conference.  Big-time conference, lots of networking, lots of learning, lots of  fun (hopefully).  They left myself and Blue Cat in charge of the two stores, for the most part.

I think Blue Cat and I were fairly nervous for most of the week, especially when it came to dealing with pond customers.  I was better at saying, “we’re really not sure” and explaining the situation and that it would be better to come back next week.  Blue Cat was intent on just “handling” everything.  Sometimes that’s not the best approach, but sometimes it works.  I just hope he didn’t feed any irreversible information to anyone.

It was fairly slow, but we did bring in some money.  I was in charge of deposits, which I am used to, but I am used to someone telling me when to do one, and then just doing it.  I was also in charge of making sure we had enough money  hanging around to make change and therein lies a delicate balance.

So I’ve been beating myself up since Friday that I didn’t go to the bank and get more fives and tens.  My coin situation was fairly fine — I knew there would be a bank run on Monday, but I’m not sure there were enough fives and tens to last through today.  I never heard about it, so I’m assuming all was fine.  What a lot of lonely worrying I spent on that!

I also beat myself up, because I was supposed to not let the cash reserve get too high, and I failed to count Wednesday, and on Thursday we were double over what we are supposed to hold.  I made a frantic bank run on Thursday morning and am just hoping I’m not going to get lectured about my oversight.  All’s well that ends well, right?

These things have been eating me up all week, and I have convinced myself in my head that I am not competent to do the things I was asked to do.  Hold that thought right there, though, Rosa.

This past week:

1) I didn’t complain.  Not about working longer hours or about helping out with chores at Mom’s.  Did I somewhat dread doing chores because I made jokes about spilling entire gallons of water onto myself?  Yes.  Did I complain?  No.  When people are away, they need to hear that everything is fine.  And it was.  Completely.

2) I kept the dogs a little bit of company off and on throughout the week.  In my mind, that would help them be less neurotic when the folks got home, and hopefully it worked to a degree.  As Mom said, I had a little “staycation” in which I got to drink crushed ice and water from the fridge and put my feet up for a little while before doing chores.  It was actually quite nice to be away from the ensuing mess at home.

3) Speaking of the ensuing mess at home, I didn’t let myself get too bothered by it.  I knew I would get the chance to address it, but when I got home from doing work and chores, I was exhausted.  There is nothing wrong with ignoring a small pile of dishes or a mounting hill of laundry (as long as you still have clean underwear).

4) Today I got some feedback from Mom and as she says, if something got really messed up, we’ll deal with the fallout later.  I have been freaked out all week that we’re almost out of goldfish.  Talk about things that you can’t control.

5) I managed to get my colonoscopy and upper GI done on Friday, while Snickers and Blue Cat held down the fort.  I felt sick all day, so didn’t do much other than animal chores (which Dad helped with, hallelujah!) but I was ok with that.  I know I need to get better, physically.

So after typing this all out, and affirming that my mental health is intact (other than anxiety which is an all-the-time-thing ), I have to stop and say to myself:

Rosa — practice some self-compassion and you will get there.

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Collection of Thoughts, Tobacco-Free Edition

collection of thoughts

1) Started my first month’s free subscription to  Netflix today.  I don’t have cable and I like movies.  There are a lot of movies I would like to have seen, but DSB was not interested in much what I was.  Netflix also has back-episodes of shows I have always wanted to see (that again, DSB did not).  I am pleased to report that it is streaming well on my POS computer, so was pleasantly surprised, there.  I might keep it, might not.  I have a month to decide, so there’s the beauty!

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2) Day One of smoking cessation has me on my ass.  I remembered it as being easier, but I have been quite grumpy today and just very uncomfortable in my own skin.  I didn’t do anything wrong or bitch anyone out, but the Big Dawg let me leave 90 minutes early today.  I think he was worried that I WOULD end up bitching someone out.  Or he just felt sorry for me.  Either way, I was glad to come home to a nice air-conditioned house.  That reeks of smoke.  I’ll get it out, one way or another.  May I just say, though, that nicotine lozenges TOGETHER with the patch makes all the difference.  I remembered that from last time, so I made sure I had both.  ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

lozenge-packshot

 

3) I think it is possible that my dad and I have gone from not communicating to over-communicating.  Ya know, there’s some things I don’t need to know, things that just make me feel bad.  I know he’s trying to be helpful, but it’s not.  I haven’t told him yet, still might not.   Undecided.

qt-quiet

 

4)  I always feel a little bit bad when I do it, but I unsubscribe emails from bloggers who do not answer comments.  As in, EVER.  I’m not unf0llowing.  There is a slight chance in hell I might come across them in Reader.  I just feel like, if someone leaves you a comment, then you should probably respond.  Even just a “thanks” will do it.  What do you think about this issue?  Leave it in the comments, I’d really like to know.  (and I’m not talking about being tardy with comments — I’m saying NEVER responding)

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5) And my brain power is pretty much gone.  I am eating salmon and lima beans for dinner (my most favorite dinner ever) to treat myself to a day gone without smoking, so there’s some brain food.  Here’s hoping you are having a stress-free day full of Cheezits, the third  most perfect food (below salmon and lima beans, of course).

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Mother’s Day Eve Fish Fry 2014

It’s Mother’s Day Eve and QoD had to have herself a fish-fry.  I know, I know, I wasn’t going to go.  I had 12 hours of sleep last night, and woke up feeling very groggy.  I missed the breakfast I was supposed to have with Dad and his wife.  I barely made it to work on time.  But by 10:15, MAN, was I perky!

So I decided this morning that I was going to go to the fish fry.  I just felt so GOOD and life is AMAZING and whomp-whomp-whomp.  I can’t decide if I’m genuinely feeling just that good, or if this is still some hypomania trailing around.  Probably a little of both.  Twelve hours of sleep will do amazing things if you haven’t had much in the past month.

We had a little rain, so the cooking didn’t even start until around 7:30, which is way too late to start a fish fry, if you’ve ever been to one.  We didn’t have any food until 8:30 and no fish until 9:00.  That’s ok though because I had a great time chatting with everyone.

Everybody was there, Blue Cat and Rock and Tall Tale and QoB and the Big Dawg.  Even Snickers, who used to work at the store until he had some medical problems that put him on disability, was there.  I think a good time was had by all.  The evening mostly consisted of re-telling funny shop stories and everyone giving each other shit.

Blue Cat gave me the most shit of all.  He claims he’s going to “hook me up” with Snickers (who is also his best friend).  I just don’t know about that.  I’m definitely not wanting to be hooked up with anyone period, but Snickers is also a lot older than I am and has a lot of health problems.  I hope Blue Cat is just pulling my chain, but he kept saying about it and swore he was being serious.  I wouldn’t mind hanging out and having fun, but not on a relationship level, at all.

Speaking of getting hooked up, it is feeling really good to be single.  To come home to a house that has only a dog in it.  To not have messes cropping up everywhere.  To not have to be somewhere at a certain time or worry about what he is going to say about something or to not have to cook a dinner how he would like it.  Freedom!  It feels amazing.

You know what else is amazing?  I bought a container of bacon bits at the grocery store on Thursday, and they are still in the pantry, unopened.  That has been unheard of in this house for the last two years.  It’s little things like that, which make me oh-so-happy and grateful he is gone.  I can honestly say that, so far, I don’t really miss him or Rascal.  All I get is this huge sense of relief.

I think Kizzie feels relieved, too.  While she probably misses the playing, Rascal was aggressive about food, territory, and people.  Ok, everything.  And he was the most neurotic dog ever, just SO high strung.  He demanded everyone’s 110% attention, all the time.  Now she’s just Momma’s little puppy again and it seems like she’s really, really happy.  That might be me projecting my happiness onto her, but she sure does SEEM happier.

I probably stayed out a little too late tonight and was definitely almost three hours past taking my meds on time (yikes!) but I took them and the extra olanzapine about 30 minutes ago.  I’m going to take another olanzapine and then one of these new flurazepams and go lie in bed and read.  I will probably pay for all of this tomorrow, but right now I don’t care.  I had fun tonight for the first time in quite awhile, and I wouldn’t take it back.

Kizzie Tells it Like it Is

It's a dog's life

It’s a dog’s life

 

1) I am a dog and am not qualified to do this shit.

2) Mom spent the last three days at work, plus doing a bunch of other stuff, and she seems tired.  I think she’s even snoring a little.

3) TToT will have to wait until tomorrow, because, like I said, the woman is dead on her feet.

4) Mom did manage to get one months full of medi-sets put together, so there’s a good chance she won’t mess up and double-dose herself, or skip them.  That’s good for all of us creatures in the house, Daddy included.

5) Daddy plans to put the pool up tomorrow, but Mom doesn’t know.  It’s supposed to be a surprise!

6) Back to normally scheduled broadcasting manana.  xoxo  The Kizz

 

I Just Want Your Time

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My DSB is finally home.  He actually came home yesterday.  He’s not fixed, but he’s better.  And he’s a little better today than he was yesterday.  Hopefully that trend continues.

Being without my normal DSB time this past week has really thrown me off.  I didn’t sleep.  My eating was more messed up than normal.  I took more PRN’s than usual.  I didn’t feel myself.

DSB and I make it a point to connect, spend time together, be together, be in the same room as each other as much as possible.  Depending on when we wake up and go to bed, even on the days I work and have appointments and other stuff going on, we probably get five or six hours of face time every day.  Maybe more.

I thought that was normal.  I did some asking around, and it’s not.

And it made me realize that DSB and I are not normal.  Of course, we  have the benefit of me working part-time and DSB working when he has a project to do.  It’s like, by being on disability, we are rewarded by having more time for each other.  I don’t know what it would be like if we both worked full-time.

Wait, yes I do.  I’d be crazy and DSB would be in traction, hooked up to oxygen and a heart monitor.

Whatever the reasons are, any amount of time you can spend with your significant other is worthwhile time.  I don’t think it even particularly matters what you’re doing.  Get that face time in, even if you can only manage an hour.  When you don’t, things can get out of whack in a hurry.

When DSB and I first got together, I was in a habit of being very selfish and never making time to spend together.  One day, he played me this song, and he said, “Rose, this is what I’ve been trying to say.”  And I got it, just like that.