Forever Starting What I Don’t Finish — Except This Time

Cheers to all of the NaBloPoMo bloggers out there!  Blogging every day in the month of November is no small feat, and one I have accomplished only once in my long, but not illustrious stint on the blog-circuit.  I did make an attempt last year, but it was quite pitiful, and, as the title of this post suggest, was left unfinished.

Rather than vowing to blog every day this November for NaBloPoMo, I think I am going to change it up a little and do it Rosa-style.  Knowing that this part of the year can be rife with painful bipolar cycling and ventures to the dark-side of things, I think I will pledge instead to simply blog as much as I can handle.  Because if for nothing else, it makes me feel better, even for a short bit.

My physical at-my-desk space for blogging has greatly improved, and my mood is currently *mostly* stable.  Surely, with those two things in hand, I can hit “publish” semi-regularly.  In addition, I have several people I follow who are participating in NaBloPoMo, and they are all fantastic writers and I’m sure they will leave me feeling inspired, if not just plain itchy to write my thoughts down.

And in gearing myself up for this time of accelerated and enhanced writing, I read back through the last several entries I had made.  I am pleased that, even in times of great sorrow and despair, I didn’t appear to wring my hands and “oh-poor-me” it…it seemed that I often had a solution that I was working on, or at least something of a game plan.

What I realized when I was reading all of these back-entries, is that, without writing, I generally make very little game plan as to how to handle my current mood or situation or circumstance.  Of course, I talk to myself in my head, but it does seem that goals get carried further when they are down on “paper.”  Of course, the other beauty of having things written down is that I can go back and look through these ideas and see patterns, which is ever-helpful in changing how I think and how I behave and how I *do*, in general.

So yes, a bit more writing is in order, because as I have been reminded, dark days of winter are a’coming, and they can be downright tricky.  Whatever I can do to help myself feel better and to help myself figure things out, is what I need to be doing.

For anyone reading, I wonder…have you ever taken a somewhat-extended hiatus or period of inconsistency from blogging, only to come back to it successfully?  I would really love to know, so I can direct myself through this most efficiently and effectively!

 

Scream Along With Me if You Want

Yesterday,  hoped that today would be much much better.  Unfortunately, I was up all night and then sick all day, barely able to get out of bed.  So much for my thoughts on getting some massive cleaning done.  Very most basic things taken care of — shower, feed Kizzie, drink something.  Other than that, nada.  So I thought I would post because, even though here at 6:34P, I feel better, I don’t feel better to the point where I can start sweeping and vacuuming and throwing laundry around.

As I sit here blogging, I find myself browsing YouTube.  It’s something my mom really likes to do and she always finds the most interesting, upbeat songs.  All I find are 80’s songs.  Because that’s what YouTube recommends for me.  Sad and peppy and good memory and bad memory 80’s songs.  Mr. Big anyone?

Mom was kind enough to bring me some ginger ale and I am smart enough to not drink the entire 2-L in one setting.  Because I am tempted, but I am done with getting sick.  I’d really like to sleep all night through, but I don’t know how likely that is, considering I was laying in bed all day.  I plan on just doing some reading later, so hopefully my brain won’t be hopped up on whatever it is that comes out of electronics that is so bad for  you.

Not smoking today was a small miracle.  I was idle, sick, and nothing sounded better than a cigarette, although on the other hand, when I really did think about it, my stomach lurched around inside my body.  How can I want something so badly and be so repulsed by it at the same time?  It makes no sense to me.

Over this latest funk, I have not been commenting and liking and reading as much, but trust that I still pop over and see what you’re up to.  Sometimes I just don’t have it in me to leave a decent comment, so there’s only a like.  One of these days, I’ll get back to my normal self and things will go on as usual.  I can’t help wondering waiting wishing dreaming and screaming about when that might be.  Scream along with me if you want.

Building Rome, Revisited

It has been since my birthday on August 11th since I have participated in Building Rome (which is brought to us by Green Embers, and you can get started here).  Building Rome focuses on small goals that lead to big goals, and I must admit, I have been lacking in the goal department here lately.  Sure, there are things to do, but they all seem so big and insurmountable.  I thought it might do me some good to spell things out every week again, in a relaxed and simple manner.

I won’t be reporting on the last week’s goals, because I am looking for a clean start.  They were too complex, too big, too whatever.  Instead, I’m going to review my top “Do or Die” goals and then end with new goals.

Rosa’s Do or Die Goals:

1) Take care of all  Kizzie’s needs, including play with Kizzie every day for at least 30 minutes.   I am failing horribly at this one, especially at the playing with Kizzie card.  That, and she went one 12-hour period without food, because I just didn’t notice.  Story of my life at this point.

2) Hygiene/Self-Care.  I am struggling with this.  Instead of showering every day, I am showering when I know I really need to.  I am, however, keeping my hair clean on a daily basis.  I have some very rough patches on my feet that really should be taken care of, and I am not using lotion like I should, and that really drags me down.  I do need to take better care of my body — its almost like I feel I don’t deserve it.

3) Take all medications as prescribed.  To a “T.”

 4) Eat healthfully.  Some days are better than others, but mostly, I just suck.

Rosa’s Goals Week of 9/1/2014

1) Keep taking Wellbutrin in attempt to quit smoking September 13th.  Continue cutting back and doing what I can to minimize the fallout when I actually do quit.

2) Get back to reading again.  Even if it is just 15/min per day, that would be better than nothing.

3) Do one nice self-care thing for myself every day, no matter how much I think I don’t deserve it.

4) Blog more regularly.  I have been blogging about once a week and really do miss it.  I need to stop flailing and start doing.

Ten Things of Thankful

As I start this post, I have my fingers crossed that it will go as well as the one I did two weeks ago.  I had a record-high comment count for that day!  I think I’m getting the hang of photos and I’ve got all sorts of things to be grateful for, so let’s begin!

1) As mentioned above, I was blown away last time by all of the TToT team members comments. The bloggers who sponsor this link-up are amazing, and, when I did this two weeks ago, made me feel more welcomed in their space than I ever thought possible in a link-up.  That being said, they make an obvious choice to lead off Ten Things of Thankful.  I am thankful I found the linkup and I am thankful for the TToT team’s big welcome.

via Mohit Mago

 

2)  Feeling a whole lot of thankful for our main employee (like, other than those in the fam) and my dad for saving my cookies on a big order today.  My back is feeling better, but I’m not up to hand-selecting 40 extra-large goldfish and dishing up 12 dozen minnows.  They must have sensed my panic when the guy placed his order, standing by the bait tanks.  I was able to pass the task off to them easily and go do what’s more my thing — bullshitting and ringing up happy customers.  😀

No, not that kind of goldfish. Don’t I wish! As a side note, these are special recipe goldfish crackers, called piranha goldfish. Go check them out at That Darned Dad; the recipe looks delish and oh-so-easy!

 

3) Last TToT, I gave thanks for the ever useful, much needed hair tie.  Well, now I have to say I am ever so grateful for my hairbrush.  A lot like hair ties, when one loses their hairbrush, bad things can happen.  Try sleeping on wet-from-the-shower hair without brushing it first.  Good thing I had a hair tie (and a found hairbrush) the next morning!  Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

It was actually a little worse than this. Picture hair about that big, but much more curly and frizzy.
The originators of this picture actually have some good tips on how to repair frizziness. Check them out here!

 

4) My mom’s BFF, Glo.  She is an amazing woman, known best for her authentic Mexican cooking and looking perfectly dressed and accessorized for every occasion.  I’m actually not sure if I’ve ever seen her without earrings or at least some form of makeup on.  Glo has been taking me to church with her and helping me on my journey to perhaps become Catholic.  Glo is about the sweetest woman I’ve ever known.  She would do (and does) do anything for anyone.  I feel very blessed to have her in my life.  She is my mom’s best friend, and my good friend by proxy.

See more of these here

 

5) I am thankful that my friend and fellow blogger, Marilyn Armstrong, made it through serious cardiac surgery without much of a hitch and is now resting at home.  She can now hang out with her beloved dogs and amazing husband Garry Armstrong.  Marilyn has been a good bloggie friend to me now for months, commenting on my posts and exchanging emails.  She is one of the wisest women I know and I cherish our friendship.  In addition to friendship, her book, 12-Foot Teepee, sparked the desire to start getting in better touch with my God.  I am very thankful for Marilyn and am excited to see the day when we can email and chitchat back and forth again.

via

6) On a related note, I am very thankful that my friend has her husband, Garry Armstrong, to rely on while she is resting.  He was so very faithful to her blog while she was in the hospital, giving daily update posts.  Garry was a world-renowned TV news reporter back in his heyday, and you could see it come through in his posts.  He, of course, had to put aside his fears and worries as a  husband for a bit, and let all of Marilyn’s bloggie friends (and there are many) know how she was.  He is actually still making the posts and I know that Marilyn is leaning on him in her recovery.  He’s just an all-around good guy, as far as I can tell, and I enjoy the conversations I have with him as well.

7)  I am thankful for my parents’ dog, Miss Kitty, for putting Rascal’s fur shedding into perspective.  The only difference is that Miss Kitty lives outside, and Rascal is very much an inside pup.  While I still haven’t (and may never) get over the incessant shedding and continuous sweeping and vacuuming, I can take it as it comes and realize, as with most things, it could be worse.

I unfortunately don’t have a picture of Rascal, but this one looks a lot like him. He is a Lab/Pitt/Spaniel mix. He sheds like a mother.

 

8) I am thankful for my mom loaning me her digital camera, after DSB broke mine.  I need to test it out, get it going, get used to it.  I was shocked to find I have no pictures of Rascal, and no current pictures of Kizzie.  This just will not do, because they will probably be gracing my TToT more than once.  Supposedly it’s just a point-and-shoot camera, and any idiot can use it.  We’ll see — I’ve never had much luck before.

This is just about exactly the camera I’ll be working with. Suggestions and tips and advice are welcome in the comments section or by email!

 

9) I am thankful for DSB.  I am always thankful for DSB, actually, but I don’t always mention it.  When I hurt my back, he took one for the team several times and helped me out around the house.  He really isn’t doing very well medically, so that made it all the more special that he directed what little stamina or energy he does have into helping me.  We celebrated our two year anniversary on March 27th, and actually celebrated-celebrated last week, when we had a little extra money.  I bought him a filet knife, knife sharpener, and fishing license and made him banana pudding.  He didn’t buy a present, but gifts aren’t all material things.  He showed me, in his own way, how much he loves me.  I hope this is a love that is meant to last forever, I really do.  Sometimes I have doubts, but then we spend five hours together just talking and bullshitting and joking around, and those five hours feel like five minutes, and I think — how could this  NOT be the love of my life?

 

 

 

10) I am thankful to many blog friends out there, too many to name.  You consistently read and comment, you email, we chat back and forth in the comments section.  You know who you are and I want you to know that you mean the world to me.  I’ve never had friends before like I have friends now, and I never want to go back.  All of the connections I have made, the wonderful and witty and new and inspiring writing and thoughts I have been made privy to, the sense of community.  Love.  Love.  Love.

via

Crisis of Confidence

I hurt my back about a week and a half ago, and wasn’t able to do much other than watch TV or read for a good week of that time.  I’m feeling better now; not perfect, but better.  I only mention this, because it feels like, during that time I was down, my self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, whatever you want to call it, took a serious nose dive.

Everything is going as it should be in my life right now, or rather, as I want it to be.  DSB is starting to feel better and is working up in the shop again.  I’m liking my job, feel useful, have a pretty good time.  My house is all sorts of trashed out from being down a week, but it’s fixable.  Overall, I should be feeling pretty good.

But I’m not.  And that is the bitch that is bipolar disorder.  Screwy chemicals in my brain and past environmental influence telling me that life is not what it appears.  That there is no hope of having a better life, of being a better person.  That things will always be the way they are now and I will never move forward into a happier place.  That I’m a failure when it comes to keeping my house clean and taking care of daily responsibilities.

While my heart knows this not to be true, it’s still ringing in my ears.  And it’s convincing, not that I’ve ever needed a lot of  help to convince myself that everything about me is shit.  I am having a serious crisis in confidence.

To counter-act that crisis, I have been trying to put my DBT skills to use.  The main skill I have been using to build my confidence is called “building mastery.”  Building mastery is basically challenging yourself to learn and try new (and old) things that can help you in feeling better about yourself.

For example, something I do for “building mastery” is take on something in the kitchen that I have never tried before.  For others, it might be being direct with someone when it really matters or learning a new game/sport.  It can really be anything that you learn to do or that increases your skillset, making you feel better about yourself.

Building mastery has been improving things for me, but not at the rate I would like to see them improve.  I am still going to work, feeling good, doing well, and then coming home and feeling like life is hopeless.  My moods have been very up and down, I have no confidence in myself, and my approach to life at this point has become very passive.

That’s not me, I realize.  That’s not who I am.  That is a mood disorder speaking and I need to tell it to shut the hell up.  How many times can I tell it to shut up before it will listen?  I haven’t found out yet.

I think part of the issue is that we have been having very gloomy weather, and even when it has been nice, I have been inside.  I need to do more to be 0utside more.

I’m also having a bit of a crisis of confidence in blogging.  It seemed like I was doing really well there for a little bit, and now all I can come up with is stuff that I deem “unpublishable” and what I do publish, it seems like extremely few people read it.  The decrease in foot traffic on my stats page is somewhat alarming.  While I’m not doing this solely for other people to read what I write, I still DO want people to read it.

I need to find some prompts that I like, because it seems like I always do well with that, because no one wants to read the ramblings of someone who feels like shit and is bemoaning that fact in every paragraph.  The Daily Post has a Daily Prompt, but I often feel they don’t apply to me.

What I’m thinking of doing is joining “postaday” and posting every day for the rest of the year, or as close to that as I can maintain.  Is it okay to jump in mid-way through?  I don’t know, and I don’t really care.  I know that, when I was doing NaBloPoMo in November, posting every day, I had more to write about and felt more creative and productive.

On a day that I don’t post, I don’t feel very good about that.  I guess you could say that, for me, postaday would satisfy the “building mastery”  component of DBT, as well as the “building structure” component.  And probably some other components as well.

So there you have it, I’m going to do postaday (I think) and hope for better feelings about this blog and myself in general.

Any comment or suggestion for prompts or post inspiration is appreciated!

Jumping in Mid-Week — Reverb 13

I found a blog today that really impressed me.  Janie found me first by leaving an awesomely supportive comment on a no-smoking post, within which she slapped me in the face.  Now that’s support.  I hopped over to her blog to find that she has some interesting things to say and she says them in an interesting way.  I also learned of a “new-to-me” thing called “Reverb.”  I’m going to copy/paste a little bit of what it’s about, so you can see the next project I’m jumping into:

The month of December is the perfect time to reflect on the year that has passed and start to manifest your dreams for the new year.

What is Reverb?

Reverb is a reflective writing challenge held in December every year. It provides a sacred space for participants to celebrate the successes and honour the challenges of the year that’s passing, as well as plant the seeds for a rich and rewarding new year.

Reverb was started by Gwen Bell in 2009 as a writing challenge for bloggers to consider the reverberations they sent out into the universe. Gwen passed the challenge on to individuals to host in 2011 and a number of bloggers around the world have since taken up the baton. This makes for a pretty exciting and festive time, and it’s not unusual for bloggers to participate in multiple Reverbs at once!

I think I am going to go the way of Janie and linkup to Kat McNally, who is hosting a Reverb challenge this year.  I am still really not in-the-know on the details yet, but I’ve sent off my email to Kat and am hoping to receive my first prompt soon.  There is some further information about Reverb  on Kat’s website that I linked to above.

Slow (But Not Silent) Sunday

Back in the midst of NaBloPoMo, I did a “Silent Sunday” post and put up pictures of my pup.  It was well received, because, hey, who doesn’t love cute puppy pics.  My intent was that every Sunday, I would put up pictures that I personally  had taken of well, whatever.  It just seemed like an easy Sunday thing to do, because I try not to work too hard at anything on Sundays.

It turns out that even the nicest digital camera won’t bring out great images if you just point and click on the auto setting, or at least mine won’t.  I have bloggie friends who are great photographers, using even greater equipment, and I honestly would buy a many of their prints if they were selling.  They have an eye.  I have another friend that claims to just have a cheapie digital camera that she uses on auto, and she takes amazing photos.  What is a girl to do?  I decided something last Sunday that I’m just now up to admitting this Sunday:

I can’t take pictures, decent pictures, pictures that are blog-worthy, with the skills and equipment I currently have.  And I don’t know that I will ever be able to, because I really just don’t have that eye.  I can greatly appreciate what others do with their cameras, but I don’t think I have it in me to do it myself.  So, there will be no further Silent Sundays.  Period.

And while we’re on that track, let me remind myself that my mother pointed out to me when I started this silly “Silent Sunday” and “Thoughtful Tuesday” thing, that something worth writing might really come about on one of those days, and then what?  Am I pigeonholed into putting up my thoughtful quote or my terribly-taken picture?  The answer to that was to get snappy with her and I don’t remember what else, but the bottom line is that I really didn’t know.

And now I know.  I’ve already cranked out a blog post, earlier this morning, and here we are 2:15pm and I’m doing another one.  It’s like my thoughts can’t get out fast enough.  I worry I’m talking too much, which I tend to do.  And then I remember…Rosa, this blog is for YOU.

And Rosa doesn’t care if Rosa talks to much.  The issue at hand is that Rosa is lonely, yet chatty, and is putting off a few projects.  Rosa would really like someone to come over for tea and butter cookies, but there is no “someone” to call.  DSB is otherwise engaged, and Sundays are the days that Big Dawg and QoB spend together.  I’ve talked to my dad on the phone, and while he’s in a great mood, it is also my stepmom’s day off and they are few and far between.

So, no one really to call to speak of.  Just thought I’d put a shout-out to the future Rosa here on the interwebitudes and remind her that Sundays are slow.  And when Sundays are slow, Rosa needs to plan more activities.  And not plan awful activities like sorting through last years clothes and trying to figure out what still fits and what doesn’t.  And making piles to donate.  And feeling fat because some stuff doesn’t fit anymore.

It’s not really a task you should do by yourself, which is why I’m here blogging again, reminding myself to pre-book next Sunday with something fun.  Something fun and something to do with other people.  Sometimes I get peopled out, but this is not one of those times.

Less Pressure, But Still Obsessed

Wellpers, as  you all know, NaBloPoMo is over.  When I first started, I kinda thought, after the dust had cleared, that I’d take a long blogging break.  What I didn’t realize is how ADDICTIVE writing and reading other posts and making new bloggie friends would be.  Putting my thoughts on paper every day gives me a great way to track how I’m doing and to see where I need to modify my behavior, for better or worse, to come out smellin’ like roses.

Thanksgiving week was pure hell (and it’s not over, because I don’t count Sunday as the first day of the week), and I think most of that had to do with DSB’s refusal (up to the bitter end) of Thanksgiving festivities, and the fact that I had just quit smoking.  And I have learned a lot about both of those things here within the past week.

What I have learned about DSB’s refusal of Thanksgiving is that he genuinely doesn’t like attending.  He doesn’t like all the people and he doesn’t like the family dynamic.  Even my fairly “normal” family (as in, we generally get along) bothered him, although it is altogether possible that some people were being bigger assholes than usual.  It’s the hormones, the lack of nicotine, the protectiveness…it’s all of that and it’s ugly when you throw it in the mixing bowl and stir.

I’m not sure if DSB will “do” Christmas yet or not.  I hope he does, because it means a lot to me, and selfishly so, I hope he would just sacrifice and go anyway.  Good gawd that sounds terrible, but it’s what I wish for and no one said what I wish for had to be nice.  What I truly wish is that DSB could get caught up in the beauty of the season and forget all that little petty BS.

Now let’s take the quitting smoking.  It has been rough and bumpy, but is overall going quite well.  Yes, I have slipped a few times and had a cigarette, so my quit hasn’t been perfect, but I still think that’s pretty good.  I’ve gone from smoking three packs a day down to maybe 1.25 cigarettes a day, and some days none.  I think I have to give myself props for that even though there are a lot of naysayers out there.

And to them, I really just want to say, “Eff you.”  Because seriously, you have no idea how  hard this is.  You have no idea what I am going through right now and I hope you never have to wean yourself off what is perhaps the most powerfully addictive substance on the planet.  Studies indicate nicotine is more powerful than heroin, crack, and meth.  And how many people succeed in getting off those things?  Not tons, folks.

So, what I ask of those people, is to cut me a little slack.  Be extra kind to me.  Go out of your way to avoid me if you can’t say something nice and encouraging.  Even the most well-meaning people can be complete dicks when it comes to something like this.  Don’t tell me I’m not doing this right when you can’t even manage to quit your Oreo cookie habit.  Don’t tell me I’m not doing this right when you can’t even manage to go a day without drinking.  And don’t tell me I’m not doing this right if you haven’t done it before.

Well, now that I’m all wound up, I think I’ll go throw some dishes around and hope they shatter on the floor.  Now THAT would be good stress relief (if only DSB would clean up the mess).  😀

Well, What Now?

Wellpers, it’s Day 30 of NaBloPoMo, and I made it!  Woot woot!  I blogged all 30 days and it was both easier and harder than I thought it was going to be.  I should really send a big thank you to DSB, who was quite patient while I had to make time every day to write, and sometimes it was a lot of time, because of, ya know, writer’s block and answering comments and commenting on other blogs.

That’s something I didn’t do near enough of during the month…comment on blogs.  I’m usually much more up on it, and I vow to get back to it now that the month is over.  I also have some new blogs to add to my reading list, with my rowmies at the top of that list.  Who could forget Marcy, who is bravely tackling her fears one at a time?  Or Marilyn, who puts out more posts in a day than I could do in three, but each one being very high-quality, with beautiful photographs?  Or Dream, with her fun poems and tales from her classroom?  Not forgetting Rarasaur, who is one of the most hardworking dinosaur bloggers out there?

If you haven’t seen their work, go check them out in your spare time.  I know I will be keeping up with them even though NaBloPoMo is over!

Now, as far as my own blog goes, I think I started out the month pretty great, but things went downhill as Thanksgiving angst started to pour in, I quit smoking, and all the stuff hit the fan.  It’s calming down, so hopefully I can do some posts with some more thought in them, instead of a stream-of-consciousness thing.  I like those posts just as much, but I know they can be annoying to read.

I’m going to spend the next couple of weeks sorting through the 200+ new follows I have gained this month, seeing who is worth following, all that jazz.  I am sure at least some of them have to be spam, because I just don’t think I’m all that popular, or good for that matter.  I am also going to celebrate soon, because this blog is getting spectacularly close to 400 posts and I think I’m going to throw a party, complete with sparkling apple cider and party hats.

For those of you reading, thanks for hanging in there with me.  For Mom and DSB, you can breathe a sigh of relief, and it is possible I won’t be quite as obsessed with blogging.  Please note that I said possible, not likely.  😀

Am I Doing This Wrong?

And does it really matter?  I started this blog almost six years ago, because I read Dooce and I thought she was cool, and wouldn’t it be cool to put my life online so that I can look back at it and wonder at the choices I had made.  A short time later, it became as such that I used it as a tool to record the ups and downs of my bipolar disorder.  I could spot trends and patterns, and learn from myself.

I am still mostly doing this as a tool to  help myself spot trends and patterns, but what I’ve found since starting NaBloPoMo, is that I really enjoy JUST WRITING.  Not necessarily about my mental health or the day’s ups and downs.  Writing for the sake of writing.  Writing because I have a thought in my head that I itch to expand upon.  Writing because I want to get down in words just how a specific situation or person makes me feel.  To immortalize relationship nuances and happy times and key moments in my life.  You know, to write for writing’s sake.

As I said before, this blog is six years old.  That’s old for a blog!  I’ve given it up a time or two, but I’ve always come back.  Sometimes I’m not sure anyone is reading it, but my quote button at the top of the dashboard keeps turning from black to orange and telling me I have more followers.  The question is, does how many followers I have, or likes a post gets, or comments made really matter?

I think in a way it does, and in a way it doesn’t.  There’s a part of me that talks to other bloggers and hears wowza stats from them.  I don’t get wowza stats and I wonder sometimes why.  And when I ask myself, “Rose, are you doing this wrong?” I feel silly.  Because I’m not really doing it for anyone other than myself.  I think it’s cool if someone can relate, or it helps someone, but I’m mostly doing this to keep my head on straight and so I can express myself.

I’m going to keep on blogging, regardless, even if only my mom is reading.  Because, for the most part, I do it for me and to capture my thoughts and my world.  This is something that can’t be taken away from me easily.  This is something I will always have.  These words.  Six years worth of words, all my own creating.