I Can’t Get Myself to Go Away

Today has been exceptionally difficult.  I was discharged from my partial hospital program today.  While I am relieved, I am now also at a loss because that created such structure, even if I hated every second of it.  It didn’t help that I am just now getting comfortable enough to start sharing some of my issues.

We talked today about how I have a hard time telling people “no” and about how I don’t ask for help.  I don’t really know what to say about those two things right now, so I’ll just say that I also shot around the basketball a bit and that was pleasant.

I was done by around noon today and was just exhausted.  I have not been sleeping well and I decided it was time to indulge in a nap.  I slept from almost 1:00pm – 5:00pm and I still think I could sleep some more.

I am terrified that I am not going back to work.  So much of my self-esteem (maybe all of it) came from there.  As was said in group today, I can’t hear a positive without turning it into a negative.  So, here I am, taking something that could be positive…not having the stress of work…and dwelling on the negative.

I think if it were just me, I would go lie in bed and never get up.  That’s what I feel like now.  Not tired, just not wanting to exist or think or have to deal with anything.  It is some very real determination that has me doing anything other than the minimum required, and quite frankly I am not in some areas doing the minimum required even.

I don’t want to talk with my friends or family, play with my dog, read, or do anything.  I want to not feel this hurting feeling so badly, that its like I think if I sit still and quiet enough, that it will leave my body.  I wish it worked that way.

The tape in my head is very negative and I am thinking of myself in the harshest of terms right now.  My thinking is becoming a bit disjointed now, too, and that doesn’t make it any better because I am constantly mis-perceiving what others are saying and doing.  Just expect the worst.  The worst.

Matchbox Twenty, Long Day

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2 thoughts on “I Can’t Get Myself to Go Away

  1. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Two months ago, I found myself crying feeling like you do right now. (I have bipolar1, or complex partial seizures, most likely both.) And many years before that. I have been pressured immensely to go back to work by my ex and my financial obligations, and I tried. It was who I was! It’s a long story, it’s all intertwined in my blogs.

    My illness caused me to lose everything except for a small disability paycheck and health insurance from my workplace. (Thank God.) I have to file bankruptcy, lost my car, and can’t even drive anyway because of epilepsy. Why am I telling you this? Because it’s the BEST thing that could have happened to me. I hope this encourages you. I hope you give yourself some grace and allow yourself to take the time off that you need to get better. I was fortunate that I wasn’t married or had kids, and had a very positive and loving family take me in during this time. (My aunt and uncle.)

    It took me about three weeks to be functional again after I moved in. It’s ok if you’re not functional right now. But the pain really stinks. I am staying away from people who feed my illness for now, and definitely have eliminated abusive people from my life, am eating very healthy and exercising. I feel so much better, and I think it’s a mixture of all of it.

    But give yourself time. If I may ask, how long have you been dealing with this? I’ve been dealing with it for sixteen years.

    Blessings.

    Like

    • Thank you for commenting, Singer. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I at 16 years old, and have been dealing with it ever since. I am trying to do as you say (and as everyone else says) and give myself time and patience to get better. Now that I am “retired” (hahah…that is what my Dad calls it), I’ll have more time and I’ll stop by your blog and check it out.

      Like

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