Today has been exceptionally difficult. I was discharged from my partial hospital program today. While I am relieved, I am now also at a loss because that created such structure, even if I hated every second of it. It didn’t help that I am just now getting comfortable enough to start sharing some of my issues.
We talked today about how I have a hard time telling people “no” and about how I don’t ask for help. I don’t really know what to say about those two things right now, so I’ll just say that I also shot around the basketball a bit and that was pleasant.
I was done by around noon today and was just exhausted. I have not been sleeping well and I decided it was time to indulge in a nap. I slept from almost 1:00pm – 5:00pm and I still think I could sleep some more.
I am terrified that I am not going back to work. So much of my self-esteem (maybe all of it) came from there. As was said in group today, I can’t hear a positive without turning it into a negative. So, here I am, taking something that could be positive…not having the stress of work…and dwelling on the negative.
I think if it were just me, I would go lie in bed and never get up. That’s what I feel like now. Not tired, just not wanting to exist or think or have to deal with anything. It is some very real determination that has me doing anything other than the minimum required, and quite frankly I am not in some areas doing the minimum required even.
I don’t want to talk with my friends or family, play with my dog, read, or do anything. I want to not feel this hurting feeling so badly, that its like I think if I sit still and quiet enough, that it will leave my body. I wish it worked that way.
The tape in my head is very negative and I am thinking of myself in the harshest of terms right now. My thinking is becoming a bit disjointed now, too, and that doesn’t make it any better because I am constantly mis-perceiving what others are saying and doing. Just expect the worst. The worst.