It has been nearly a week before Thanksgiving that I last blogged, and I am working really hard on not being sorry about that. So much has happened in that space of time, and so much has remained the same. I have had some people suggest to me that I shut down this blog, just as people have in the past when I have gone walkabout for longer than a few weeks, and maybe, in all fairness to everyone else that might be the thing to do. For me, however, I have decided time and time again that shutting this blog down is simply not an option.
Because this blog is for me. It’s my place to vent and think things through and scratch that writing itch and have a record (for myself, for the future Rosa, something for me to ponder light years from now when I am old and grey, when I get this world figured out a little more). I don’t think it hurts anyone for me to blog infrequently, although maybe it is an annoyance to others at times, but I can always be reached here.
So the blog will stay, and I might write often and I might not, and some weeks I might stay up on my reading and some weeks/months may go by before I show up around your blog. Life is not so predictable, and I’m not sure anyone would really want it to be, even though I know sometimes we wish for things to be slightly more predictable.
The crippling depression that plagued most of 2016 has mostly lifted, mostly after I was chastised for not using my sun lamp by my medication provider and ended up with a new lamp because the older one was so outdated. And, whew boy, did it ever provide some ramped up rays, because I was feeling amazing, in no time, and before you knew it I had tripped into a hypomanic state, well on my way to mania.
So, for the last few weeks, almost a month, I have been trying to quiet down my brain while stimulating it constantly, because that was the only thing that was comforting. The hypomanic episode slid into me deciding to:
- Give up caffeine completely, cold-turkey
- Give up Xanax, cold-turkey
- Quit smoking, aided by nicotine patch
- Reorganize and de-clutter several areas of my house
- Drastically change my eating habits in an attempt to lose weight
- Move more, in general, than I have in the past year combined
So far, I have stuck with all six of these things. I went through most of the last month feeling like I had a severe case of the flu or maybe lithium poisoning, but it turns out that it was just withdrawal. It’s over for the most part now, but my body is still adjusting and every day is a new challenge.
In addition to this, I have decided to actually start working on real issues in therapy, instead of the same crap every week. I told my therapist last week that I thought maybe I was finally ready to do something about my PTSD, because it is giving me such trouble, increasingly so within the last few months.
I was referred almost a month ago into a medically supervised weight loss program, and yesterday had my initial meeting with the supervising doctor. Just on my own, I have lost 18 pounds from December 15th of last year to now, and am excited (and slightly overwhelmed) about the plans for weight loss we made yesterday and will continue to work on. I really like the doctor — she was very understanding and seemed quite empathetic. She also at some point wants me to work on my emotional/mental issues with food and body image and exercise, and, as she says, I am not currently being treated by the mental health center for my eating disorder and I need to talk to someone about it if I am ever going to have sustained weight loss and a more healthy relationship with food.
I’ve honestly been doing quite a bit of ignoring everyone in my life except a few people, and that is how I have been coping with all of the depression of last year and the mania recently, and because it is honestly just easier that way sometimes, but I have a feeling that once some of the PTSD issues are alleviated somewhat, that maybe I will be better about reconnecting with people, even though it has never been a strength of mine.
Change and more changes. With the six things I mention earlier having been accomplished and/or continuing to work on, I finally feel like I have a chance at a much higher quality of life, and I haven’t felt that way for an extended period since long ago.