Because I Don’t Feel Like it, Ok?

As I have mentioned before, if I don’t get a good night’s sleep and quickly into my morning routine, ugly things happen.  Last night was one of those nights where I couldn’t fall asleep, and then I couldn’t stay asleep.  I had nightmares, which used to occur frequently, but not so much anymore, so I was doubly sucker-punched when I had probably one of the worst nightmares I have had in over a year.

It was one for the record books.  And I was not prepared for it.  How do you really prepare for something that terrifying, anyway?  Well, first of all, you don’t let your guard down.

You don’t fall asleep with your entire collection of “The Wallflowers” playing, because you just wanted to listen to that one song.  You know, the one you played on repeat for years when you were sad and that made you cry uncontrollably, the one you wanted to hear just to “test” to see what would happen?  You stupid fuck.

You don’t drink a Pepsi at 6pm and you don’t start a new, very graphic memoir about a borderline woman and her steps towards recovery (although it is a very good book) at bedtime.  You don’t skip taking that Klonopin PRN when you really needed it after being set off, yet again, about why you will never let yourself have children.

There are all these things you DON’T do in the course of the day to prevent these nightmares from happening, and I DID DO many of them.  I didn’t go through my bedtime routine, I didn’t allow myself enough hugs and kisses from DSB before turning in, and I didn’t deal with the day’s mess like I should have.  That and the aforementioned are why the super-bad nightmare snuck up on me.

And really, I know better.  I know better than to do x, y, and z and I know better than to make sure I do a, b, and c.  This has been a recurring problem (sleep, nightmares, etc) and I am just pissed at myself because I DO know better.

And the lack of sleep created an issue this morning, because DSB told me to go back to bed at 6:00 a.m. because it was clear to him (although not as much to me) that I wouldn’t make it through my day without doing so.  But knowing that DSB sometimes knows me better than I do myself, I went back to bed without a fight and woke up at 10:30 a.m., feeling much more awake, somewhat more positive, and very much more pissed at myself that I had squandered away productive time.

I could have done a lot of things today, and there were a lot of things that needed doing.  Instead, I took a mental health day.  I did a few errands with DSB, did a lot of reading, went through and caught up on all the blogs I follow, and am now blogging.  I didn’t get anything major accomplished, although it’s possible I will throw together dinner and maybe do some dishes.

But really, I just didn’t feel like it, ok?