I Need Ear Plugs

I’d just about give up my left big-toe right now to have a little silence.  I’m even thinking of going and sitting in my car.  Between DSB and his obsession with the TV, and the dogs going sideways because the neighbors happen to be hanging out in the driveway, and DSB’s phone ringing incessantly, and my blood thumping in my ears, I’m about to go a little haywire.

It’s been a busy week, a busy weekend, and I am still running on a sleep deficit.  I don’t feel very good physically, due to the lack of sleep, and the neighbors are about to not feel very good physically get an earful if they don’t get out of my yard.  I’m starting to feel more than a little cranky around the edges.

Really, why must there be such noise?

I almost took a nap today, but QoB called and I ripped off the ol’ CPAP, invited her over, and went off to find some pants.  It really turned out to be a good thing that she came over, because we got quite a bit done.  Or rather, QoB cleaned like the madwoman that she is and I helped do a few things, but otherwise sat around feeling ill and guilty for not helping much.

And I have ants.  Hopefully we took care of them, but mercy, there were quite a few.  When I told DSB, he was unimpressed and told me that he had advised me of such over a week ago.  Somehow I doubt that, but we must choose our battles, so I said, “Ok, hon,” and went back to doing dishes.  I really did do a lot of dishes today.  That I know as concrete fact, whereas it is remotely possible that DSB had already advised me of the ants a week ago.  Like I said, you pick your battles.

Another battle that I did not end up picking with DSB was that of the “miscellaneous computer crap” that has been piling up in my dining room over the last month.  QoB nipped that one in the bud and tucked it all away, nice and neat.  On a not-so-lovely note, DSB did not notice that it was all gone when he came inside.  Apparently chaos only drives ME insane.

My apologies that this post is all over the place.  I am suffering severe brain fog that I am hoping will remit, say, tomorrow, because I am positive I am going to get a good night’s sleep.  Cross your fingers and toes on that one.  I know I am.


Because I Don’t Feel Like it, Ok?

As I have mentioned before, if I don’t get a good night’s sleep and quickly into my morning routine, ugly things happen.  Last night was one of those nights where I couldn’t fall asleep, and then I couldn’t stay asleep.  I had nightmares, which used to occur frequently, but not so much anymore, so I was doubly sucker-punched when I had probably one of the worst nightmares I have had in over a year.

It was one for the record books.  And I was not prepared for it.  How do you really prepare for something that terrifying, anyway?  Well, first of all, you don’t let your guard down.

You don’t fall asleep with your entire collection of “The Wallflowers” playing, because you just wanted to listen to that one song.  You know, the one you played on repeat for years when you were sad and that made you cry uncontrollably, the one you wanted to hear just to “test” to see what would happen?  You stupid fuck.

You don’t drink a Pepsi at 6pm and you don’t start a new, very graphic memoir about a borderline woman and her steps towards recovery (although it is a very good book) at bedtime.  You don’t skip taking that Klonopin PRN when you really needed it after being set off, yet again, about why you will never let yourself have children.

There are all these things you DON’T do in the course of the day to prevent these nightmares from happening, and I DID DO many of them.  I didn’t go through my bedtime routine, I didn’t allow myself enough hugs and kisses from DSB before turning in, and I didn’t deal with the day’s mess like I should have.  That and the aforementioned are why the super-bad nightmare snuck up on me.

And really, I know better.  I know better than to do x, y, and z and I know better than to make sure I do a, b, and c.  This has been a recurring problem (sleep, nightmares, etc) and I am just pissed at myself because I DO know better.

And the lack of sleep created an issue this morning, because DSB told me to go back to bed at 6:00 a.m. because it was clear to him (although not as much to me) that I wouldn’t make it through my day without doing so.  But knowing that DSB sometimes knows me better than I do myself, I went back to bed without a fight and woke up at 10:30 a.m., feeling much more awake, somewhat more positive, and very much more pissed at myself that I had squandered away productive time.

I could have done a lot of things today, and there were a lot of things that needed doing.  Instead, I took a mental health day.  I did a few errands with DSB, did a lot of reading, went through and caught up on all the blogs I follow, and am now blogging.  I didn’t get anything major accomplished, although it’s possible I will throw together dinner and maybe do some dishes.

But really, I just didn’t feel like it, ok?