The Ten Things I Can’t Seem to Admit to in Therapy

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This will end up being a list post, but I want to first interject that it is hard as hell living with mental illness and every good day should be celebrated.  Don’t get me wrong, there HAVE been good days, and there will be more.  Right now, what I am trying to purge from my system is all the negative stuff that I can’t seem to talk about in the place where I need to the most:

1) My nightmares have come to the point again where I am terrified of sleep, terrified of bed.

2) The stuff of nightmares keeps me from wanting to leave the house…like, ever

3)  I have not seen the inside of any type of store, including even a convenience store, in over two months.  I have not even tried.  There are people in there, you realize.

4)  I have been hiding my crying spells.  From my therapist, my med doc, my art therapist, LarBear, my mom, my dad.  I know what crying spells mean, and I don’t want anyone to know it is happening at an alarming rate at this point in time.

5)  I absolutely cannot manage without Klonopin at scheduled times throughout the day.  I keep trying to skip it, and I keep having breakdowns and am told to take my Klonopin.

6)  I am stuck with my jewelry.  It’s not fun to make, to plan, to do.  I feel absolutely defeated by the lack of activity on my Facebook page for it, and I end up giving it away because I don’t think it is good enough, anyway, to sell, and neither, apparently, does anyone else.

7)  I am very close to giving up on some various people in my life.  I decided a while back to no longer be in contact with my ex-step-father.  I am very close to that in a few other relationships.  I am tired of caring and not getting caring back.

8)  I don’t feel like there is a safe place for me to go whenever (if) home begins to feel unsafe.  They use the crisis house as an overflow for social detox — the award for fuckhead of the year goes to whoever made that decision, because if I am sick enough to be there, I am too sick to not be taken advantage by one of those addicts.

9)  My weight is at an all-time high, and I am not sure what else to do.  Sure, I need to move more, but I eat quite healthfully and smaller-size portions, and Seroquel (my psychiatrists guess) or the tides of the moon or terrible chemistry makes me gain ten pounds if I so much as look at a cheeseburger.  I have completely stopped bingeing, and I am gaining weight.  There seems little fairness in that.

10)  I get tired of feeling depressed constantly, so I often put on that mask that says everything is fine.   Dear Mental Health Gods:  I am really, really tired of having to do that.  Most things in my life are going swimmingly right now, can I please catch a break?

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12 thoughts on “The Ten Things I Can’t Seem to Admit to in Therapy

  1. At a point in my life when I was horribly depressed … while everything in my life was not merely fine, but great … I talked to a therapist with whom I was working on an entirely different issue. He said: “Depressions can become a habit. You are used to being depressed. You know how to feel depressed and it feels comfortable. Natural. Sometimes, what you need to do is try to break the depression habit.”

    It helped. Because I had no reason to be depressed and eventually I worked my way out of it. Not overnight and little bitty steps.

    As for weight, you’ve been dieting for so long, you probably have no metabolism. That’s why I ultimately opted for surgery. Because I would diet, lose three pounds and gain five. We beat ourselves up with endless diets until our bodies are permanently on “famine” mode. This isn’t just my opinion. It has become accepted fact. Your shrink is probably not the best doctor to consult about your weight. I don’t think the problem is psychological. It’s physical.

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    • I agree that depression can become a habit. It is definitely a hard one to break out of. Maybe I will get there, someday.

      I have consulted many people about my weight, and really do not feel like the surgery option is the best for me, even though that is what keeps getting recommended. I just feel like I can really make enough changes, I dunno, I may change my mind.

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      • I understand your reluctance. You might want to at least talk to someone about it. Without making a committment. Because it is possible that your really can’t do it without help. I couldn’t. Many people can’t. There are groups where you can talk with other people about how it worked — or didn’t work — for them. Good and bad experiences.

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  2. We all have to be afraid in order to be brave. And there is a measure of courage in sharing, even anonymously. It is a small victory, but a victory none the less. It is in you, and I believe you can build on that little by little. : )

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  3. Hang on, Rosa. I have faith in you, I have been struggling with the weight thing too. It’s probably the number one thing that’s been on my mind for the past several days. The agoraphobic thing too. I have specific things I need to get done today, and they likely aren’t since I don’t think I can get in the shower, much less out the door.

    Try not to see the big picture, That’s probably overwhelming. Try to look at each item on the list one at a time. I know it’s not easy, but it can make a big difference.

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    • Thank you, Bradley. The weight thing is just SO overwhelming, as I know you know. I have been trying to make small lists of things that need doing, rather than looking at the big picture. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

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  4. Are you just venting or would you like suggestions for some of this? I want to respect your right to vent but if you’re looking for input I want to give it. Just let me know honey. You know I love you either way. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      • Alrighty… First, try not to hide the crying and hurting from the people who love you. They can’t help if they don’t know how bad it is. That’s hard, I know, because you want them to think you’re strong. But it’s totally ok to not be strong all the time. Really. Let them know what’s really going on so that they can help you. And I would encourage you to not feel bad about any of that, including needing the Klonopin on a schedule. You have mental illnesses that require treatment. This is no different than any other long term illness like diabetes or high blood pressure. You treat it.

        If making jewelry isn’t fun anymore, don’t make it. I go through phases with my creative stuff, too. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away from it for awhile.

        Seroquel can be a serious bitch. The guy is fighting with that right now, too. If there’s a way to increase your activity a little, like taking walks with LarBear, that might help. I know you want to get back in the pool and that would help, too. Would you be able to see a nutritionist and see if maybe there are other things you could be doing with what you eat that might help?

        I’ll say it again sweetie, if there is anything I can do to help, you just let me know. I hate to see you struggling like this.

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