Work in Progress

Things have definitely been looking up for me.  For the most part, the depression is gone.  I am having a lot of problems with anxiety, feeling like it has almost replaced the depression as my worst enemy, but through DBT skills like mindfulness and interpersonal communication (DEAR MAN, FAST, GIVE) I am giving it my best shot.  There’s a saying in DBT that says, “You’re doing the best you can, and you can do better.”

I feel like this really describes where I’m at right now.  I am doing a lot of things that I wasn’t able to do before, but I need to keep challenging myself with new things.  Or maybe not even new things, just things that I haven’t been able to do for awhile.  I am hopeful to see a good friend of mine this weekend that I haven’t really communicated with since March when this really came to a head.  Most of me looks forward to the opportunity, but I am also anxious about it.  There’s nothing I can do about that anxiety so I just sit with it and try to let it go.

My intensive outpatient program has an end in sight.  I have tomorrow and then next week full-time for sure, and then they are talking about transitioning me to part-time (three days per week) for a couple of weeks.  After that it is weekly DBT, weekly therapy, and possibly weekly clinical case management.  My DBT therapist (not Goddess of Mindfulness) thinks that I need the case manager to have extra support but I’m just not sure how that would work out.

The only person in group that I have confided in about having worked most of my life in mental health said something today that really hit me wrong.  She said, “You can really see your training standing out.”  I think she was trying to pay me a compliment, but I quickly said I hoped that wasn’t true.  Why do I wish it wasn’t true?  I want to move away from that person because I can’t do that work anymore.  And as I type this, that doesn’t make sense.  Whether I am working in the field or not, I am always going to know a lot about mental health.  Numero uno, because I am LIVING with a mental illness.

I don’t really like to think of myself as having a mental illness and dislike even more to think of it in the “recovery” model.  Does someone “recover” from having bipolar disorder?  No, it is something they will have to work through their entire life.  Do I expect to fully “recover” and create an all-new life for myself?  No.  I expect and am reshaping my life to make it what it can realistically be.

Some parts of it suck, and some parts of it don’t.  I am really worried about what I will do for building structure once I am out my intensive outpatient program.  That program takes five hours each day, if you count travel time.  That’s a big chunk of time to fill up with something else.  I am hopeful that I will have my shit together enough that I can work at the shop or do something for my parents during that time.  I’m unsure right now of how that will all play out.

Like I said before, there is the DBT saying, “You are doing the best you can, and you can do better.”  I’m trying to figure out what I can do “better.”  I have been working really hard this week at participating more and being helpful in group.  That was my “you can do better” for this week.  I suppose I will have to constantly seek what it is that I can do better, and maybe this is something that all people do.  I really don’t know.

Normal Like You, Everclear

4 thoughts on “Work in Progress

  1. “I suppose I will have to constantly seek what it is that I can do better, and maybe this is something that all people do. I really don’t know.”

    Most assuredly, all of us constantly seek things we can do… better. Or just plain old “do.” Having the thought process of wanting to continue on… well, that’s just f’g priceless. ’tis the best of starts.

    Everyone, yes, everyone, usually looks back thru’ a day and wonders… how’d I do today? Enough? not Enough? You, my beloved, just take it more to heart than most of us. I’m glad I’m my own worst critic… because if you were my worst critic, I’d have given up a long time ago.

    Consider giving yourself credit, when due. … XOXO

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  2. I say concentrate on doing the best you can. You want to be able to do that much of the time. For now put aside “you can do better”. If things do not go well you can then find yourself slipping back into the world of the “Can’t’s”.

    I have always hated the word “Recovery”. I look at it a bit differently. What I want is to be able to live a normal life. Ups and downs are part of everyday life. What we do not know how to do is to bounce back. Something hits is and we get slammed. We do not have the deflectors that most people have. When you are flat on your back it is a lot harder to get up then when you stagger. At least then you are still on your feet.

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    • Yes, Pasha… there’s a significant different, and fine line, between best ya can, and doin’ better. Truly, Rosa, there’s a significant difference between the two, and it’s a hella good point.

      In my opinion, the next day always has the potential to be another day to do the best one can. Anything “better” than the best one can… I think of it as a day for celebration and bonus.

      As ya know… Bein’ ready to get ready is always my motto. …XOXO

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  3. PS I truly love the scotch-taped princess venue. For me, would love to find that same roll, only thicker, and call it the Duct-taped Queen. :D…. gotta love duct tape.

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