Creating Fictions

 

I know now, my family saw right through him.  My excuses for why I couldn’t do something, be somewhere.  The reason was DSB.  I spent hours and hours and hours creating, in my head, this lovely relationship we had together.  Sure, it did have it’s high points.  He helped get me through one of the roughest bipolar patches I have ever had.  Does that mean that I owed him what he put me through after?

Surely not, but I can’t help but beat myself up that I went along with it for so long.  He never had money for groceries or to put gas in my car (that he used frequently).  This year, I tried to celebrate Valentine’s Day and our two year anniversary, buying him well-planned gifts.  I didn’t so much as receive a card.  Or even an acknowledgement.

He kept me from my family.  He badtalked them and tried to turn me against them.  At times it was almost as if he had succeeded.  I grew more distant from them, went to fewer family dinners, but bore the brunt of things when I decided to do things my way.  This IS my life, is it not?

I can understand couples wanting to do things tomorrow, but I will never, and I mean NEVER totally lose myself to a man, ever again.  I won’t give up what I believe in, I won’t forsake my family, and I will not allow myself to be bullied into doing any of the above.  I won’t take anymore emotional, psychological, or verbal abuse.  I will paint the picture as it is, and not hide all the desperately bad things from the people who know me best.

They’re not fooled anyway.  Only I was.  I was deluding myself into thinking we had something great.  We did have a deep connection, but it was all based on me doing exactly what he wanted me to do.  Things had to be a certain way.

The only person that has been allowed inside my house in the last two years, other than my mom, (and my dad once), is myself, Kizzie, Rascal, and him.  He isolated me and I am only seeing that now.  I am just so damn mad and disappointed in myself.

How many abusive relationships am I going to go through, year on end, until I learn my lesson?  Until I learn that being a couple d0esn’t mean I have to lose myself or what I believe in?  That there is doing nice things for your partner, and being your partner’s slave?  When will I get that?  I don’t know.

My hope is that I’m going to shake off the MEH soon and get started with building my life again.  I went to dinner at my mom’s tonight and just got home around 9:00.  DSB would never have allowed that.  But here I am, and I’m FUCKING FINE.  I’ll still get up in time for work tomorrow, still do my evening routine, still do the things I need to do to stay sane.

I was looking through “wallowing” in Google Images, and so much of it was things like, “Quit being a bitch and stop wallowing.”  Well, I’m not wallowing.  I’m thinking right now.  I’m thinking of what I want my life to be like, how I want things to go.  I’ve come up with three things that I am going to start implementing on a regular basis:

1) Walk Kizzie every day, even if it’s just around the property and back

2) Pay more attention to how I spend my free time and dedicate more time to meaningful activities.

3)  Say yes.  Say yes to invitations to do something.  Say yes when normally I would say no.  Just say yes.  Get out there, do something, be something.

I don’t feel super-positive right now.  I feel sad and angry and lost.  I feel confused.  What I don’t particularly feel is anxious, which is a big change from the last several months.  I feel like I am putting on a brave face when in fact my entire world is crumbling.

Because, ya know, IT IS.  The way I’ve lived the last two years of my life was not healthy.  And there was a structure and a rhyme and a reason to it.  And now I have to break through all of that and learn to be Rose again.  Rosa, Rose, Rosie…she needs to come back, through all of this bullshit.  A phoenix rising from the ashes, if you will.  There is a little tug at the back of my brain begging, “just come back, just come back.”  I’ve been single and  perfectly happy and healthy before.  I know I can do it.  What I have to do is to do it on MY terms.