Reasons I Might Be Losing My Mind

With the exception of “Dear God: You Forgot to Mention the Bad Parts” (which was one of my favorite posts of recent, but that received almost no attention…go look!), I have mostly been doing challenges for my post updates.  Lots of list posts, goal posts, thankful posts.  That’s all well and good, but I don’t want to be THAT blogger.  I started this blog to put it all out there and to process and to be reminded that I am flawed, but human.  I haven’t been putting it all out there.

I know we’re all tired of Rosa saying what crap 2014 has been (but it has), and it’s safe to say that my mental health has taken a nosedive once again.  There are reasons, though, this time.  There were triggers to the nosedive and I am going to say like I say on my tagline and “tell it like it is.”

Firstly, I have been going through a family struggle.  It’s something that everyone wants to keep private for very good reason, but it’s really been bringing me down.  I don’t know how many tears I have cried over this, and I don’t know when or if it will get better.  It weighs on my mind heavily, maybe more so than it should.

Then, there’s all the med changes.  No more Zyprexa and no tapering off the 10mg I took three times a day.  No more sleeping pill (a benzo) after a very short taper.  And remember the Geodon decrease and the Abilify upswing.  All 0f this within the last little while.  The no more sleeping  pill thing has probably been the worst and I haven’t slept in days.  I did, however, get a reprieve and was prescribed a small dose of Trazadone that I am hoping will work wonders.  I want to sleep, I don’t want to be comatose.  Hence getting off the other sleeping pill (plus, the sleep-driving just wasn’t a good thing).

The pressures to change my lifestyle.  Quit smoking AND lose weight.  Start exercising.  Eat healthier.  Taper down your smoking.  All at once, all coming at me from family, friends, doctors.  Everyone means well, I know, but I can’t do it all at once.  Goddess of Mindfulness told me today the same thing:  Rose, you can’t do it all at once.  She thinks this is a terrible time to quit smoking, even though I have been amping up for it for almost two weeks now.  She says I need to let my meds even out, start sleeping again.

Goddess of Mindfulness also thinks I need to focus on healthy eating.  She thinks it will make me feel better overall.  My dad really wants me to join a gym, after I mentioned that I might at some point want to do water aerobics.  The doctors are telling me no help for me until I quit smoking.  Everyone else just looks at me and my growing size and horrible cough and tries to recommend something.  Or just looks at me.

Something has to give.  Right now, in this very moment, my eating is out of control and I have to fix that.  Weight loss surgery somewhere down the line?  Maybe.  For right now, though, there has to be a change within my brain.  This is something I can do anytime.

Quitting smoking?  I will continue to cut back.  I will quit within the next month or so.  Can I do it all at once?  No.

Exercising.  I do want to do the water aerobics classes, but money prevents it, and right now I am so out of breath to do anything, that continuing smoking prevents it.

And all 0f the aforementioned squirrels just run around my mind chattering, and I am overwhelmed, and I feel like I’m losing it.  Something has GOT to give.

25 thoughts on “Reasons I Might Be Losing My Mind

  1. Thank goodness for the goddess of mindfulness. She is very wise. I know it is tough, but you need to be kind to yourself during all this transition.

    Sending you hugs… I know it isn’t easy, but you aren’t alone in this. Some of may be distant, location wise, but we’re here for you. .

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, Goddess of Mindfulness is a lifesaver. She is the voice of reason, it seems. I keep getting the advice to be kind to myself — easier said than done, as you well know.

      I appreciate the hugs and I feel comforted by my friends, even if y’all are in different time zones. 🙂


    • She’s right, you’re right. The first thing to go MUST be the smoking, no doubt about it. Just waiting until I can get on that even keel before I make the attempt.


  2. Listen to your pdoc, she’s sending you on the right path. Looking at that giant heap of things that “must” get done is terrifying. You are great, Rose, but you are just Rose – a wonderfully talented flawed human being that can’t take on the entire world at once.

    You’ve been going through so much. Allow yourself the same expectations that you would have of others. Big hugs, my friend

    Liked by 1 person

    • The same expectations as others…but I thought I was WonderWoman or some such nonsense! :)\

      I know you’re right, but the temptation to just give it all a shot at once is definitely there, even though I know I would be setting myself up for failure. Appreciate the hugs! 🙂


  3. Rosie, my blogger friend: the fact that you’re writing is a good thing. Because you are SUCH a brave and terrific writer. Sorry if I keep saying the same thing – you just are.
    The letter to God was one of the finest posts I’ve read for a while. Sharp, edgy, witty, and brilliant. Girl, you got it going on with your writing.
    i’m so glad to read your posts. Even in the tough times. You’re a unique being.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cynthia — you are too kind and those words mean the world to me, considering what high esteem I hold you in as a writer. You believe in my writing more than I do, and it is nice to be reminded every once in awhile that I’m not just putting drivel out there. Thank you for that!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. And totally inappropriate me is now humming “One Day At a Time Sweet Jesus” under my breath. Sorry.

    But really, just tackle one thing at a time – that’s going to be the only way to have success with any of it. If you tried to do it all at once you’d fail with all of it, all at once. You know that.

    I will tell you that of all the numerous forms of exercise I’ve done, water aerobics was my favorite. I quit due to costs as well. If you take it slow, walking Kizzie around on a leash might be a good thing.

    As for the sleeping, you know all of the hygiene stuff to try – so just do it. You could check with your doc and see if some of the pieces I take – the melatonin and the benadryl – would be acceptable for you. They might not do anything, but they might help, and it’s worth asking at least.

    Keep at it, girlfriend. We’ll get there eventually. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do have the sleep hygiene thing down. I’m doing what I’m “supposed to” and sleep IS coming. The low dose of Trazadone is working wonders. I have tried benadryl and melatonin before and they only work for short periods (like a couple weeks), but like I said, the Trazadone IS working. Hooray for that! 🙂

      I would so love to do water aerobics. It’s possible I’ll get the money together, not sure. I feel the need to move, but in a way that won’t hurt, if that makes any sense.

      And yes, eventually, WE will both get there! ((hugs!)) ❤


    • You are such a huge support, I don’t think you even realize. It’s tough, but it will get better. It HAS to. And I know I have a lot of people in my corner — probably more than I realize. 🙂


  5. Not gonna hit the ol’ “like” button because it seems weird to do so.

    Yer putting way too much focus on the “family” thang, sez your Madre.

    You were not told to quit losing weight AND quit smoking in order to perhaps need surgery… three months from now. You were told to attempt to slow down and attempt to quit smoking over a period of time.

    You are writing some most excellent blog posts. And is this a race, or what? When ya have something to say, say it. If ya don’t, don’t pet the sweaty stuff.

    In my most not-so-humble opinion, you are catastrophising. and may want to look at why. In the meanwhile, I’ll see ya for supper tomorrow. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  6. PS… and you had several writers who gave you most excellent reviews on your “God” post. How many likes or excellent or brilliant comments does it take for it to be a “successful” post?
    I believe most writers write because they must, not for the kudos that follow. Remember? That is what ’tis all about. Don’t get caught up in numbers..that’s a WP thang, not a writer’s thang. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh Rose! *hugs*

    That sucks. I mean, it’s kinda nice that everyone wants to help you, but it sucks that they don’t meet you where you are instead choosing to throw advice at you from a distance 😦

    Here’s sending you a whole bundle of ‘thanks, I’ll file that away until I can use it’ replies. You are welcome to distribute them as you feel appropriate 😉 Or hide them under the bed. Your call.


    • I love the idea of the replies. Right now they are in the glovebox of my car, just waiting to be winged at someone. 🙂 And that’s the thing — not meeting me where I am at — that is perhaps the most frustrating part of all. Thank you, m’dear, for “getting it.” 🙂


  8. I’m really new to all this and I don’t react normally to most meds. I don’t really have any advice for you since we all travel our own roads and they are paved differently. Just try to hang in there and know that you have a new person thinking about you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey BP guy, I am so glad you stopped by! And do appreciate the support. I will hop over and check out your blog here in the very near future (like tomorrow, when I am more awake). 😀 I have been very lucky in the med department, other than sleeping pills. I guess that’s just one blessing I can mark down in my book. 🙂


    • Fredrik! I feel like I haven’t seen you in a month of Sundays! So glad to see a blog notification pop up from you! I appreciate the hugs…can always use more of those! Yes, small steps, that’s what I’m trying now. 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s