Slightly better times are here, but not in permanent way. I am still experiencing a tremendous amount of hopelessness, suicidality, despair, depression, overwhelming sadness, non-stop crying spells, mind-blowing anxiety. What I have now that is different, is each day I can sometimes find a little pocket of time that is not destroyed or taken over by the monsters in my mind.
If I am really careful, I can stretch that little pocket of time upwards of an hour before the lows inside of my head start to drag me back down. The past week, I have been able to get lost in some jewelry projects, good quality time with LarBear, entertaining online chats, Kizzie snuggles, and some magic in the kitchen.
Now that I have these pockets of positive time, it almost make things worse. It’s like a tease — oh, here, you can feel semi-decent for an hour, but then it will be snatched right out of our hands and you will be back to fearing your own shadow and crying off all the makeup you so carefully applied and choking back sobs until you feel like you could vomit.
So I have my hour here and there, and I force myself to do things, creative things, hands-on things, fun things, in those short stretches of time. Because they aren’t long pockets of time, the don’t always come everyday, and I may jump back and forth out of a “good pocket” several times in the course of one day.
I am lacking in the area of my brain where hope is created, and really do feel like this is probably going last half past forever. Or really, that it will change, but only change inasmuch that it will be just a different version of Hell. So, I posted the HOPE sign at the top, because that’s what I’m clinging on to with my shredded fingernails.
Pain ends, pain ends, pain ends. I repeat it to myself over and over. I don’t buy in, I don’t believe it, but I repeat, repeat, repeat. Because deep down inside, there is hope that things will be better, and that itty bitty, tiny shred of REAL hope is all I have to hang on to, as far as thinking my mental health will some day ever be in “recovery” or “remission.”
Because really, I just don’t believe it. I don’t think “recovery” or “remission” can be applied words to what is happening to my brain, and I’ve never been able to understand the use of those words on this particular disease.