True to Self

Being true to who we are, being who we are, may be difficult if we are concerned that our true selves will disappoint another person.  In the past, I spent quite a bit of time weaving tales so that those around me wouldn’t see who I truly was, and be disappointed.

We know what is expected of us from a young age, or at least a certain amount of us do.  We know the basics, the “norms” of our family and culture.  We, to a degree, know what our parents expect from us, even perhaps those things they won’t readily admit to expecting.  Behaviors and events and reactions paint a picture, and often it is all too clear just what that parent expects.

And as our world moves away from our nuclear unit, perhaps even our culture, we begin to see what “society” expects, what relationships expect, what our boss, our roommate, our out-of-town boyfriends expect.

I learned early into my venture, that what I wanted was simply not possible.  The life I wanted to lead, not possible, living with out-of-control bipolar disorder.  And I did a lot of crazy things, made a lot of bad decisions, but always told a lie that did not coincide with who I was at the core to spare the disappointment of people I loved.

Not, that is to say, that they didn’t see right through me.  Here we are over ten years later, and sometimes, when I start to get sick, I start telling those lies again, or I stay silent.  And often, when I am just in a space of feeling bad, which can last for days or can be intermittent throughout the day like a dying lightbulb, I am likely to gloss it over and not talk about what is bothering me.  “I’m fine!”

I tell fewer lies about the real truth of myself now, than I ever have.  I think I’m becoming more comfortable with me, but I think also, that I am beginning to learn that I can’t compromise who I am for the comfort of someone I care about.  I may disappoint, I may hurt, but I am me.

Honest Scrap

A blog award has been bestowed upon me by a high-school girlfriend that I truly admire.  Adriana has become a wife, a mom, and a much younger, hipper Martha Stewart-ish icon in the blogging community.  And, just like she always has, she tells it like it is, which is likely why she gave me the “Honest Scrap” award and likely while we initially avoided each other and then finally came together toward our senior year.  I miss you girl!

So the rules are that you tell 10 very honest, incredibly interesting things about yourself and then tag other bloggers.  Adriana has already tagged a couple of mine, so I have fewer than seven. 

1)  I do not like to wash my hands.  My skin is very dry and itchy and the thought of hot water and soap makes me cringe.  I wash when I absolutely have to, when Matt tells me I have to, and pre-cooking/serving.  I figure this will change when I have children and become a little more obsessed with germs.  And yes, I do realize this is gross.

2)  For about a year in college and a year afterward, I had what you could consider a drinking problem.  I got drunk more nights than not.  I had a credit card that I used solely for drinking and never paid anything but the minimum until I maxed it out.   After my parents moved me back home, I quit drinking and joined AA.  I never felt like I fit in.  I have been drunk maybe twice in the last five years, and enjoy an occasional drink at home or at my Mom’s.  I never have more than a couple and am often pouring half to three-fourths of a glass or beer bottle out.  I just don’t have that need to self-medicate with alcohol anymore. 

3)  I have lived with an eating disorder since age 16.  I grew up being overweight and discovered bulimia when I was in high school.  I still battle it from time and time and I would call my relationship with food anything but normal.  More like I’m always striving for it to be a little more normal.

4)  In a related note, I worked as a mental health technician on an inpatient eating disorders unit during a time when my mental health was very poor.  Those were not good times.

5)  I am on Facebook but rarely write on anyone’s wall.  I’m never really sure what to say, and, to be honest, a lot of my high school memories are so blurred I don’t remember details.  I attribute this to meds and too much pot and alcohol in college.  I do find it interesting to see what people are up to.  I just know that I’m very different yet very similar to the person I was in high school and I’m not quite sure what people expect, and I guess I’m just self-conscious about looking stupid.

6)  I am strongly pro-choice, although I think the system is broken.  The closer I get to an age where I want children, however, the more unsure I am.

7)  I told everyone I did, but I did not go to the polls and vote for President.  It was something I was conflicted about and now I sound like an asshole. 

8)  I tell everyone I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, because I think I’m supposed to have some grand answer.  The truth is that I have little to no career ambition.  I want to have a job that I like and that pays decent money.  Other than that, I want to be a good wife and mother.  It sounds very 1950’s on paper, but it doesn’t in my heart.

9)  I have no regrets about anything I have done or said in my life.  Everything before me has brought me to where I am today and there is no where else I would rather be.  I am grateful for my struggles, just as I am grateful for my triumphs.

10)  This list has been very therapeutic for me.  Thank you, Adriana.

I award the Honest Scrap Blog to:

~ mysteryo’riley — I’m not sure there’s anyone more deserving of this word than you, Linda.  You amaze me, every word. 

~ bipolarlife  — A lot of times I read and think, “I wish I had the balls to say that.”

~ poetreearborist — I read it obsessively and do not comment because I am just in awe.