Treading Water, Full Speed Ahead

**TW FOR SUICIDAL IDEATION**

Stuck in time-space travel, living too far into the future, no focus, hyper-focused, zero attention span.  Do not care.  About that (although a little troublesome) or about much.  I’ve let most things I love and care about drop around my feet slowly, starting in August of last year, when my world was given the big smack-down and everything changed.

I’ve cycled through some hypomania and have as of late been mired in depression and super-fun mixed episodes, with a bit of giddy mania sandwiched in.  I have dropped blogging, family, friends, personal hygiene, my TV shows, my music, my books, my sanity, and the smoking and weight loss kick to find myself with a new boyfriend and far too much change and far too much crying, several times a day, every day.  Something is not right.

I feel as if I am living in a different world.  I don’t do the things that ground me.  I am trying new things and they sometimes make me quite miserable.  Cutting off ties to certain people leaves my belly churning and my chest tight.  On the flip of that, I am deliriously happy, ecstatic even at times.  And in the middle, irritable, wounded, striking out.  I am all and I am none.

I am eating Hamburger Helper and Ramen noodles and instant mashed potatoes, even though I can cook, and do cook well.  My body is so parched for moisture from a lack of self-care, that my feet are cracked, my skin rough, my hair thinning.  I do not recognize myself in a mirror.  I have important phone calls to make to set up appointments for my health and should try and see family more, but all I really want to do is stay up all night being whacked or lying in bed all day, broken.

I want to retain the good parts of my life and explore the new, rid myself of the negative or unhelpful, but I can’t make myself care enough to do anything about it.  I probably look fine, even good on the outside, like I am doing well.  But in mind and heart I have gone away.

I sometimes think about throwing myself on the mercy of the psychiatric hospital, or the local crisis services, but I don’t, because that only burdens everyone.  I stay safe because I keep boyfriend Larry at my side as much as I can.  There is only so much one can do, though, and he will get tired.  As with any other relationship, I am probably wrecking this one already with my craziness.

No real worries, friends.  I will keep on keeping myself safe.  These are only thoughts and feelings.  Reality is that there is love in my life and I would never do anything to hurt or abandon anyone in that fashion.

 

 

 

 

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21 thoughts on “Treading Water, Full Speed Ahead

  1. You sound like me. Painfully much like me, right down to the cracked skin and thinning hair. WEN cleansing conditioner helps a LOT with the hair, if you give it a chance … I can’t believe what a difference it has made, but you need to give it a chance to work and it is very expensive. As for the dry, cracking skin, I think I’ve given up the fight. Every once in a while, I moisturize everything and it feels like human (rather than lizard) skin for a short while (minutes?) and then it goes back to unbelievably dry. Maybe it’s the drugs? Age? Winter? Illness? Whatever it is, it came and it stayed.

    The rest of it? I don’t know what normal people act like because I doubt I’ve ever known one. Or been one. Everyone I know is whacked one way or another. Many of us are also physically challenged.

    Are you in love? Love makes us crazy. It’s not unusual for women to dump almost everything but the guy in their lives, at least for a while. Eventually, you get back to the rest of your life, or at least most of it … though it is never the same when there’s a man in your life than when there isn’t. Maybe it shouldn’t change us so much, but it does, usually.

    You judge yourself awfully harshly. If I judged myself that way, I don’t think I’d come out very well. In fact, I doubt I’d come out as well as you do. Maybe the biggest difference is I do the best I can and don’t drive myself crazy trying to be something else or thinking of my limitations as failures. I’m much happier than I used to be, even though I’m not healthier. I suspect the difference is recognizing I’ll never be that perfect shadow woman who used to follow me around, nagging me to be just like her.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am going to look into the WEN cleansing conditioner. I have been looking for a new hair shampoo/conditioner and have been quite unsatisfied with what I find at Walgreens.

      Love. Yes, I am in love. I hadn’t looked at that as being a reason why my focus had shifted, but altogether possible. I read your post on how to survive, and can say that I really need to not put so much on the other person. Larry is very sweet and helpful, but I can’t burden him with the entirety of it.

      Judging myself harshly…yep, been a lifelong thing. Sometimes I am better than others but mostly I am just mean inward.

      Many thanks for your kind advice and thoughts, my friend!

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      • You can find the WEN online. If you have very curly hair and it’s more coarse than fine (mine is very fine and fragile), you need to find a formula for your kind of hair. It took me awhile to find the right formula.

        NOTHING makes us crazier than a new relationship. It unhinges us, derails us, makes us high and anxious and happy and scared all at the same time. I think it was Oscar Wilde who said “It’s a pity there are only two sexes and they are incompatible …”

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Jeepers it sounds hellish, I just can’t imagine. You express it through your writing so well, it’s so raw and eloquently jumbled. Does it help to write it out? If so, write it out more, you can decide whether to publish it or not each time, but get it out.

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    • Yes it does help to write it out, do hope I can push myself back into it. It is not the publishing that is generally the problem, it is making myself get upright and dusting my brain off. 🙂

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  3. ((hugs))

    I ditto what was said above. “Burdening” people to get the help you need is much better than the alternative.

    Think about it : what would you tell a friend who told you they were going through the same emotions/cycles?

    Liked by 1 person

    • ((hugs))

      I know what I would tell a friend if they were going through the same emotions and cycles, just as I have advised friends about it now. It is hard to take our own advice sometimes. I just see so many things that I fear wouldn’t be taken care of if I was laid up in a hospital for awhile.

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  4. Hospital, outpatient program, crisis center – call someone, just call. You know, KNOW, that you’re going to need psychiatric help to get yourself back on track. Unfortunately that’s just the way it works with us. And the longer you wait to ask for help the worse it’s going to be and the longer it will take to get back to being Rosa again.

    So seriously, make the call. Think about Larry and how much you care about him and want to have a good long while to be with him. You can’t do that if you hurt yourself, right?

    And listen to Sheena – think about what you’d tell me if I told you that I was going through this. You’d tell me to get some help. I love you sweetie, don’t make me drive down there and kick you in the tail feathers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I do know. I know, I know, I know. Knowing and doing, of course, are two different things. I have a vague thought that if I am still feeling this way tomorrow when I have a meeting with my case manager (another something new) then maybe I will seek out a bit more help. I am in the midst of a med change which helps nothing and a therapist change as well. Boo to all of that, it is stressful shit. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. So sorry to hear that you are in the shits!! But I am super-happy for you that you have love in your life. Try to do just *one* thing every day that is good for you. Make a list. You know you can do one thing….. I will be thinking of you ❤

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  6. I can only echo the people above – I’m not here to reinvent the wheel.
    You’ve had a ridiculously tough last year, so just take it one step at a time. If you happen to take a step or two back, then that’s OK. You’ll move forward again, it’s just that these things take time.

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