The Payback of “Too Much Happy”

TRIGGER WARNING: talk of suicide

Just when I thought I had things figured out, or close to it, my fragile balance erupted and the lack of good sleep I had been experiencing turned into a total lack of sleep, overall.

Irritability, flights of fancy and grandeur, and 2:00 am drives around town, as I debated just what I could run my car into that would kill me and not just hurt me enough to make me a vegetable, a further burden to my family. These thoughts, they concerned me very little.

What was really weighing on my mind were the really sharp knives in the kitchen. That would be easier somehow, maybe less messy, with a smaller chance of collateral damage. I was plotting my demise rather thoughtful of others, or so it seemed.

After trying to see my med provider yesterday, she sent me directly to the crisis house, where I am sitting now, anxious and not sleeping but at least there are no sharp objects and I don’t have access to a vehicle.