I like to blog more often than a month worth of every 10 days or so, but life is getting in the way. Not necessarily in a good way. In short words, my parents are getting a divorce.
Longer words, current circumstances are stressful, interpersonal relationships are either weakened or strengthened. I find myself crying a lot and screaming, “I can’t do this” in my head (and sometimes, out-loud, usually in my car), even though I’m not sure exactly what “this” is.
And sometimes, actually, it’s more like mostly, it hurts so much and its so badly stressful because you see your parents, people you have known your entire life, who have loved you and protected you and sang silly songs to you and called you out on your curfew, well, you see them suffering.
Suffering and crying and being angry and being sad. Having to make really hard, life-changing decisions. It is very difficult, as a grown woman, for the first time after 30-some years of living life together, that you see your dad cry. Not able to talk to you because he is so upset. Absolutely heartbreaking.
All the people around you, who so clearly don’t see your position and obviously think you are an idiot, tell you it’s not your fault (of course it’s not!) and that it is between them and there is nothing you can do to make it better (well, YES, no kidding, really?). I spent the first bit trying to get them back together, of course, which is a natural human response, I believe. But then I realized, this is not my battle to fight. There is absolutely not one single thing I can do that will “fix” this or make it better.
I am hoping I am going to turn the corner from being extremely stressed out and upset and crying and going on to some sort of acceptance. I am working on it, is all I can say. Maybe do a little more of what Mr. Merton says:
You do not need to know precisely what is happening,
or exactly where it is all going.
What you need is to recognize the possibilities
and challenges offered by the present moment,
and to embrace them with courage.
A quick note…
I have been very behind reading, liking, and commenting on other blogs. If you haven’t seen me stop by in awhile, my emotional turmoil and all the stress is what is keeping me away. I hope to return to the blogosphere with much enthusiasm in November for NaBloPoMo and plan to be doing a lot of reading of blogs I have followed forever and hopefully some new blogs starting very soon.