Choosing To Not Give In

It seems that I have had a string of not-so-great days.  It is odd, because my stress should actually be decreasing, instead of skyrocketing.  I now have hot water, a working septic, and central air conditioning…which I hadn’t had for about a month.  Those little “daily tasks” which were made so difficult by lack of those things, have been made much easier, but my mood has begun to plummet into darkish places, and I’m running in place, trying to stop that downward trend.

In other news that should be reducing my stress level, QoB has decided to stay put right where she’s at, no moving hours away, and one would think THAT would make me feel better.  It doesn’t.  To further decrease my stress level, we don’t have to move into a rental, but she is finding a house that we can afford to buy and I have great credit, such to the point that I can get a mortgage in my name.  Her goal is for us to save money from the point we are paying out right now, in the new place, and still own.  So, it sounds perfect, does it not?  It sounds like all of my really big, fat, ugly stress problems should be gone, doesn’t it?

I know.  Shit.  That’s just not the case.  If anything, my anxiety is more pronounced, and I hate to say this, but my mood is going downhill.  Towards depressed, with increasing agitation and annoyance and irritation and flustery-blustery-yuck.  I don’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, deal with anyone.  I am able to handle LarBear and the dogs, and that’s about it, other than brief interludes here and there.

I have no desire to do anything for the 4th of July, and if I were going to be frank about it, I’d say that, really, actually, I can’t stand the 4th of July.  Everyone drinking, small fires and explosions everywhere, I hate being outside in the dark, heck, I don’t like being away from home when it is dark outside.  I am afraid of the dark, at 34 years old.  The whole holiday seems entirely too much about alcohol and blowing things up and eating picnic food.  No, thanks.  I am officially done pretending that I like anything about the 4th of July celebrations.  I don’t even want a freaking sparkler or those poppers that you throw on the ground.

In trying to pinpoint where this increase in depressive symptoms, anxiety, and irritability comes from, I have made little progress.  I talked about it with my therapist today, and we think it could just be a cute little bipolar cycle.  Ya know, bipolar, making it’s rounds, duck-duck-duck-GOOSE!  The fact that changes are ahead doesn’t help, but at least they are more manageable changes than what they were going to be.  I mean, yes, LB and I will be moving, but the circumstances are better.  Other than that, much else stays the same.

So, like I said at the beginning, a few bad days does not make a bad life, and a few bad days doesn’t even make a bad episode.  I’m a few days away from this being an actual episode, and maybe I can calm it with enough DBT and Klonopin and ice cream, that it keeps from becoming an actual episode.  I certainly hope so.  I think, what is most disappointing to me, is that I almost had myself convinced that I had this disease whupped, as in, permanently, as in recovery = permanence.

I will keep choosing, every minute if necessary, to not have this rule my life:

 

 

Advertisements

Ten Things of Thankful, Home-Life Edition

**Just a word to the wise, there is not currently a link-up for Ten Things of Thankful, but you CAN find them on Facebook.  It’s a closed group, but just type Ten Things of Thankful into your search bar and you can request to be added.  I am not sure how much longer there were cease to be a linkup, but you can get more information there.

10thankful-banner

 

Another week down, another whole bunch of things to be thankful for.  I like to try and do TToT “themes” each week, and this week is no different.  I am a person who prefers to be at home, or to at least be feeling that “at home” feeling even when not at home.  I can get that at my house, and a select few other places.  This past week, I’ve really tried to be “out” more, and it makes me appreciate the weekend and nowhere I really have to be (today), that much more.

When I was in the crisis residence, I was surrounded by people who are currently homeless and some who had been homeless for very long periods.  It’s never happened to me, but it’s not impossible to think it would ever happen, albeit it’s unlikely if I keep up with my mental health treatment and continue to have family around that cares.  A house and a home are two things that I never take for granted, though, and so I’d like to dedicate this week’s TToT to all of the home-related things that I am thankful for:

  1. A fenced-in backyard.  For my dogs, for my sanity.  I really enjoy being outside, and I am thankful to QoB for making sure that every home I have ever lived in has had a pleasant outdoor space.
  2. The current house I live in has a very nice, large front porch.  It is very nice and cool in the afternoons, and breezy yet warm in the mornings.  Recently, my mom came and trimmed up all of the rosebushes (of which there are several,  VERY large) and laid mulch.  The porch was swept off and all that is on it are a few comfortable chairs and a footrest/table.  I have been loving sitting out there with company, and with LarBear.  It is also a good way to get a break from life, in general, by myself, with just my thoughts and a cold drink.
  3. A house as opposed to an apartment.  This is my personal preference, and I have been exceptionally lucky to do very little apartment-living (save from college years).  Houses are so much quieter, so much more private, and are what I am used to.  I feel almost spoiled by this one.
  4. Hardwood floors, with a few nice area rugs.  I really detest wall-to-wall carpet, and I think that is just because I was raised with hardwood floors and area rugs.  I really don’t like to vacuum, and I don’t like all the dust and dirt and grime and (potential) messiness of carpets.
  5. My kitchen has a large closet that has been converted to a pantry.  I didn’t have a pantry in the last two places I lived, and it seemed like I always had things stacked up everywhere.  With a pantry, you can put everything away and you can stock up on things without worrying about having the room to put it.
  6. I absolutely love that I have a driveway of my own to park in.  I have lived in places where I had to park in the street or in a large parking lot, and I hated it.  In the town I live in, it is pretty typical that most houses have a driveway and more often than not, there is also usually a garage (at least in this neighborhood).  I do have a garage, but I choose not to really use it for various reasons, some of it being sheer laziness.
  7. Being able to choose the colors of my walls has always been important to me.  I am not a fan of neutral, and really appreciate my yellow kitchen and lavender bedroom and green bathroom.  It makes it more homey to me.
  8. All of the Rose of Sharon bushes, Crepe Myrtles, and other various bushes that my mom planted on the west side of my house, in front of windows when I moved into this house.  They are grown up now, and it is lovely when they are leafed out, because I can keep the curtains open day and night and no one sees in, and they are also very pretty to look at.
  9. For the past few years, I have had an inflatable kiddie pool in my backyard.  I am spoiled by it now, and fully expect to put one up again this year.  You can get them for about $30 to $40, and as long as you keep chlorine in it, and sweep out the bugs/leaves/debris, they stay nice all summer.  There is nothing better than sitting in your own backyard in 30″ of water.
  10. I grew up in a house warmed (partially) by a woodstove and with no central air until I was well into high school.  I didn’t really think anything of it at the time, but I must say, I am very, very grateful for central air and heat.

A State Called Home

Clouds and sunset near Hoyt, Kansas.  Photo credit goes to an old high school pal who just left the Navy and moved (with wife and several kids) from California back home to Kansas, to give his kids the childhood he had.  James has traveled all over the world, by himself and with his family, doing the Navy thing proud, making me proud to know him, to see through the computer and talks with his mom just how much he has improved his life.  All the places he has lived, seen, experienced — he told all of Facebook the other day, that there is no place better than Kansas to live.  This is home.  Probably a lot of us feel like there is one place on Earth that has the memories, the beauty, the magic and love to be considered home base.  I’m with James — born and raised, Kansas proud.

10175967_10202833989280929_2503426682262067839_n (2)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tumblr: My New Addiction

So, of course Sheena had to go and tell me that the best place to find pictures was on Tumblr.  I’ve been over Facebook for about a year and was looking for something new (because I don’t have enough Internet things to do, I guess, nevertheless all the real life things that need attending to).  At any rate, I checked it out a little last night and looking through today, there are some really amazing things on it.

I wasn’t going to post tonight.  I watched an episode of “The Good Wife” and it’s now 9:00pm, my usual gettin’-in-bed-time.  But, I committed to posting every day, so that’s what I’ll do.  Tumblr’s gonna give me a little help, though, because I’m not feeling too chatty.

A few days ago, I wrote about an old college friend.  The only friend from school I have ever stayed in touch with, and how it had managed to escape her that she knows nothing of my bipolarity over the past two years, and how I am now on SSDI and working part-time at a bait shop.  She finally did return the email, and she said nice things.  But it stops there.  We have nothing in common, and I think all we used to have in common was psychology classes and a love of sushi and vodka tonics.  That’s ok.  I’m going to let it go.

 

 

Ok, so these people obviously aren’t fishing in Kansas.  I think they’re actually in the Phillipines.  But ya know, it doesn’t matter.  Because fishing is fishing is fishing is fishing.  Things are starting to heat up down at the bait store, crappie will be running within a couple weeks.  DSB and his buddy are headed out bright and early tomorrow morning, and will hopefully bring me home some dinner.  I’m not much to fish, but I do like to sit in a chair in the sun and look out over the water.

And that’s about all I want to say about my day today.  Every day just keeps getting better and better, as long as I stay positive.  There were some serious things going on today that could have pushed me over the edge (hello ants, in the kitchen, for the millionth time) but I just keep trudging on.  I have two more days of work and then off for two.  Other than getting to see DSB, I’d rather be at work than at home doing chores and taking care of business.  That might be a little sad, but that’s the way it is.  For now.